I 


I 


CX5 
C~> 


THE  QEORae  E.  LASK  COLLECTION 


A  FULL  HOUSE 


A  Farce  in  Three  Acts 


2013983 


CAST 


PARKS An  English  Servant 

SUSIE From  Sioux  City,  a  Maid 

OTTILIE  HOWELL A  Bride 

Miss  WINNECKER From  Yonkers,  the  Aunt 

DAPHNE  CHARTERS Ottilie's  Sister 

NICHOLAS  KING A  Stranger 

NED  PEMBROKE,  JR An  Only  Son 

GEORGE  HOWELL A  Bridegroom 

DOUGHERTY .A   Police   Sergeant 

JIM  MOONEY A  Policeman 

CLANCY ' Another 

MRS.  FLEMING Who  Owns  the  Apartment 

VERA  VERNON A  Show  Girl 

MRS.  PEMBROKE.  .  ....  .From  Boston 


The  play  is  in  three  acts :  The  scene  represents  the 
drawing-room  of  Mrs.  Fleming's  apartment  on  Riverside 
Drive,  New  York  City;  early  spring  this  year. 


A   FULL    HOUSE 


ACT  I 

SCENE  :  When  the  curtain  is  half  way  up  the  door-bell 
rings.  Parks  enters  R  I,  crossing  front  of  desk  to  R  C, 
then  up  toward  door  L  C.  When  he  reaches  a  position  near 
upstage  end  of  sofa,  the  door-bell  stops  ringing  and  'phone 
on  desk  rings.  He  turns  sharply  and  goes  toward  'phone. 
When  he  is  nearly  to  desk  R  C,  'phone  ceases — door-bell 
rings.  This  business  is  repeated  three  times.  Parks  grow- 
ing more  and  more  confused,  he  finally  takes  coin  from 
pocket  and  flips  it.  Indicates  that  door-bell  wins,  goes  to 
door.  When  Parks  flips  coin,  door-bell  stops.  During 
above  coo-coo  and  clock  ring  fire  off  R  j. 

i 

Voice  (outside).     Paper! 

(Parks  opens  door,  takes  paper.  Parks  crosses  with 
paper  to  desk,  lifts  receiver  of  telephone.) 

Parks — Are  you  there? — Well?  What  is  it? — No,  sir, 
this  is  the  apartment  of  Mrs.  Fleming.  It's  her  apartment, 
but  Mr.  Howell  lives  here.  No — with  'is  own  wife!  Mrs. 
Fleming  lives  'ere  when  she's  home  but  she's  not  'ome.  Mr. 
Howell  is  living  here,  now,  but  he's  not  home.  We  expect 
him  in  any  minute,  and  I'm  the  butler.  What  do  you  mean 
you  are  sorry  you  woke  me  up?  I've  been  up!  From 
Boston.  No,  I'm  not  from  Boston.  No.  I'm  from  London. 

Ottily  (calls  from  off  stage  upsteps  R  3) — Parks!  Oh, 
Parks ! 

Parks — Yes,  mum? 

Ottily— Was  that  Mr.  Howell? 

Parks — No,  mum.  It  was  someone  wanting  Mr.  Howell, 
mum.  'E  wouldn't  leave  'is  name. 

Ottily  (wailing) — Oh,  dear,  oh,  dear! 

Parks — You'd  think  he  had  been  away  for  a  year. 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

(Takes  newspaper   from  desk.     Enter   Susie  R  I  with 
time-table.) 

Parks — Hello,  Susan.     Where  you  going? 

Susie  (Xing  to  C) — Sioux  City. 

Parks  (comes  to  L  of  desk) — No,  no.  I  mean  now. 
What  you  doing  with  that  time-table  again? 

Susie  (X  to  sofa) — I  just  found  a  quarter  and  I  want 
to  see  how  far  that'll  take  me.  It's  eighteen  dollars  to 
Chicago.  It's  six  seventy-five  to  Burlington.  It's — 

Parks  (bored) — Yes,  yes,  yes,  I  know.  You  told  me  all 
that  before. 

Susie — Well,  I  like  to  talk  about  it. 

Parks — Oh,  Crikey,  talk  about  something  else.  You've 
talked  of  nothing  but  Sioux  City  since  you  came  'ere. 

Susie — It's  a  grand  town. 

Parks  (L  of  desk,  R  C) — 7  never  heard  of  it!  (Sit  L 
of  desk.) 

Susie  (on  sofa) — Well,  you  have  to  get  close  to  it  to  do 
that.  It's  a  quiet  town. 

Parks — Must  be  since  you  left  it.  Oh,  I  say,  now.  That 
was  a  good  one.  Ha,  ha  !  wasn't  it  ?  What  ?  I  am  picking 
up  a  lot  of  these  American  things  over  'ere. 

Susie  (crosses  to  him) — You'd  better  pick  up  your  feet 
and  go  home  and  join  the  army. 

Parks — Susan ! 

Susie — What  are  you  doing?  Reading  the  morning  paper? 

Parks — The  afternoon  edition — just  come. 

Susie — Find  out  where  the  "Perils  of  Pauline"  is  playing. 

Parks— What's  that? 

Susie  (go  L  to  L  C) — Moving  pictures.  The  pickled 
drama. 

Parks — Oh,  Crickey!  A  dreadful  wreck  on  the  New 
Haven  and  Hartford. 

Susie — Read  the  news.     I  read  that  last  week! 

Parks — This  is  another  one !     Wreck. 

Susie  (on  sofa) — They  never  have  anything  like  that  on 
the  C.  B.  and  Q.  (Looks  at  time-table.) 

Parks— The  C.  B.  and  Q.  ? 

Susie  (slip  time-table  under  cushioned  seat  of  sofa) — 
Chicago,  Burlington  and  Quincy — the  Come — Back — Quick  ! 
route.  You  change  cars — 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk) — Missouri  Valley.  I  could  go 
there  in  my  sleep. 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Susie — Oh,  you  better  wait  till  you  get  there  for  that. 

Parks — Big  robbery  in  Boston  ! 

Susie  (cross  to  him) — How  many  killed? 

Parks  (X  front  of  desk  to  R) — No  one  was  killed. 

Susie — Then  there  wasn't  any  robbery.  They  never  give 
it  up  in  Boston  unless  you  kill  them.  I  know.  I've  worked 
there.  (Go  L  to  L  C). 

Parks  (R) — Mrs.  John  Pembroke's  famous  ruby  neck- 
lace stolen ! 

Susie  (at  sofa) — Mrs.  John  Pembroke? 

Parks — Mrs.  John  Pembroke.  Why,  that's  the  mother  of 
the  young  man  who  comes  here ! 

Susie  (X  to  him) — Mr.  Ned — oh,  yes.  He  said  I  could 
get  a  scalped  ticket  from — 

Parks  (R  of  desk) — The  jewels  were  purchased  from  a 
celebrated  Indian  potentate  who  had  lost  his  private  fortune 
at  Monte  Carlo. 

Susie — Where  ? 

Parks  (R  of  desk) — Monte  Carlo! 

Susie  (L  of  desk) — I've  been  there! 

Parks — Monte  Carlo? 

Susie  (L  of  desk) — Oh,  I  thought  you  said  Montreal. 

Parks  (R  of  desk) — Where  on  earth  is  that? 

Susie — It  ain't  on  earth.     It's  in  IOWA. 

Parks — They  were  presented  to  Mrs.  Pembroke  and  are 
valued  at  thirty  thousand  dollars ! 

Susie — My  Gawd,  and  I  only  need  twenty-two  fifty! 
(Sit  L  of  desk). 

Parks  (drop  down  a  little) — Thirty  thousand  dollars — 
six  thousand  pounds. 

Susie — Pounds  of  what? 

Parks — Not  pounds  of  what.  Money — money — English 
money ! 

Susie — No  good  in  Sioux  City. 

Parks  (up  to  R  of  desk) — Good  anywhere  the  sun  shines. 

Susie  —  Then  how  can  they  spend  it  in  London  ? 
(Laughs.)  I  read  in  a  book — 

Parks  (sits  R  of  desk)- — I  don't  care  what  you  read  in 
a  book.  Listen  to  this:  Mrs.  Pembroke  ( seated "j^of  desk) 
had  worn  the  jewels  to  the  DeLancey  ball.  On  her  return 
she  placed  it  on  her  dressing-table  in  a  red  leather  case. 
A  few  hours  later,  she  awakened  to  find  a  man  in  her 
room — 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Susie  (rise) — Oh,  joy! 

Parks  (rise,  drop  down  R) — Susie!  (Reading.)  She 
screamed  and  although  several  servants  came  to  her  aid, 
the  thief  managed  to  make  his  escape  carrying  the  neck- 
lace with  him.  Mrs.  Pembroke  is  prostrated. 

Susie — What's  that? 

Parks — Indisposed — neurasthetically  inclined. 

Susie— Besides  being  robbed  ? — Terrible ! 

Parks — The  set  originally  consisted  of  a  tiara,  ear-rings, 
necklace,  bracelets  and  a  stomacher. 

Susie — What?     They  stole  her  stomach? 

Parks — No!    A  stomacher! 

Susie — What's  a  stomacher? 

Parks — Oh,  the  ignorance  of  our  allies !  A  stomacher  is 
a  jewelled  ornament  worn  here! 

Susie  (L  of  desk) — She  wears  ornaments  on  her  stom- 
ach? Hanging  up  and  down  and  dangling  like? 

Parks  (down  R) — Exactly. 

Susie — What  kind  of  party  was  she  at? 

Parks — I  don't  know!  It  doesn't  say.  Meanwhile  Mrs. 
Pembroke  offers  a  thousand  dollars  reward!  (To  R  of 
desk  lay  paper  down.) 

Susie  (L  of  desk  drop  down) — A  thousand  dollars? 

Parks — A  cool  thousand.  If  you  had  that  much,  Susan, 
you  could  go  home  in  a  jolly  rush ! 

Susie — If  I  had  that  much,  I  wouldn't  rush!  I'd  stop 
off  at  Des  Moines.  (Cross  to  L  C.)  (Puts  time-table  under 
cushion.) 

Parks  (cross  front  of  desk  to  Susie)  (Mysteriously)  — 
Do  you  know,  Susan,  I  think  this  Mr.  Howell  has  been 
acting  very  strangely.  I  heard  him  promise  'er  (beckoning 
with  thumb)  'ed  be  home  last  night.  He  promised  faith- 
ful! 

Susie  (L  C) — I  know.  If  I  had  a  husband  that'd  go  away 
and  leave  me  the  day  after  the  wedding,  I  know  what  I'd  do. 

Parks  (C) — If  you  had  a  husband,  Susie,  he  wouldn't  go 
away  and  leave  you  the  day  after  the  wedding! 

Susie  (L  C)— No? 

Parks  (C) — 'ed  go  on  the  day  before!  (Cross  to  R  C 
front  of  chair  L  of  desk.) 

Susie — Well,  you  don't  catch  Mr.  Howell  doing  what's 
wrong.  He's  a  lawyer. 

8 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Parks  (to  her  L  C) — They're  the  worst  kind.  They 
know  just  'ow  far  to  go.  Lawyers  are  so  technical ! 

Susie — What's  that — take-a-nickel  ? 

Parks — Not  take  a  nickel,  Susie !  Technical.  Technical 
is — I  mean  to  say — technical — !  Oh,  you  don't  have  to 
know  what  it  means ! 

Susie  (L  C) — Parks,  I  hope  you  don't  use  no  language 
in  my  presence  what  you  can't  explain  to  me  the  usage ! 

(Ottily  enters  down  steps  worried,  anxious.) 

Ottily  (as  she  .comes  down,  Parks  goes  up  to  C,  L  of  stairs 
and  comes  down  to  above  chair  L  of  desk  after  Ottily  has 
passed  him.  Susie  at  up  stage  end  of  sofa  during  this. 
Ottily  crosses  front  of  table — to  sofa — sits  on  down  stage 
end) — Any  word  from  Mr.  Howell? 

Susie — No,  ma'am.     (Ready  'phone.) 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — Something  must  have  happened  to  him ! 

Susie — He'll  turn  up,  ma'am.     Men  always  do ! 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — He  was  to  have  been  here  last  night. 
No  word  from  him  this  morning  and  here  it  is  afternoon! 

Parks  (R  C  above  desk) — So  it  is,  ma'am!  (Glances  at 
window,  unconsciously  puts  right  hand  on  'phone.) 

Susie  (L  C) — Now,  ma'am,  don't  take  on  so.  You're 
all  excited.  Calm  yourself  ! 

Ottily — Oh,  Susie,  I'm  sure  something  has  happened  to 
him.  I  had  an  awful  dream ! 

Susie — A  dream,  ma'am? 

Ottily — There  was  a  train-wreck  and  Mr.  Howell  was 
killed.  It  was  as  plain  as  it  could  be!  I  thought  I  was 
sitting  here  on  this  couch  and  suddenly  the  'phone  rang 
an —  ('Phone  rings.  'Phone.)  (All  start.  Parks 

snatches  hand  from  'phone.)  My  God!  My  dream!  He's 
been  killed  !  I  knew  it !  I  knew  it ! 

Parks — Perhaps  it  would  be  as  well  to  find  out,  ma'am. 
Shall  I  answer  it?  (Ready  bell.) 

Ottily— Yes.  (Bell.)  No!  (Stop.)  Yes.  (Bell.)  No! 
(Stop.)  Yes.  (Bell.)  But  I  don't  want  to  hear  it !  (She 
covers  her  ears.) 

Parks  (R  C  at  'phone) — Are  you  there? 

Susie  (L  C) — Where  do  you  think  he  is?    Brooklyn? 

Parks  (R  C  aside  to  Susie)— Shut  up!  Well?  What  r 
Who  ?  Eh  ?  Oh  !  It's  your  aunt,  ma'am. 

Susie — Is  she  killed? 

Parks— No. 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Susie — That's  too  bad. 

Ottily  (rises,  goes  to  L  of  desk) — Thank  God!  My 
Aunt?  Are  you  sure? 

Parks  (crosses  to  door  L  C) — Yes,  mum.  She's  on  her 
way  up!  (Bell.) 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — My  aunt?  What  would  bring  her 
here. 

Susie  (L  up  R  C) — Calm  yourself,  ma'am.  Things  could 
be  worse ! 

(Daphne  and  Auntie  enter.  Aunt  first  L  C.)  (Daphne 
carries  a  black  traveling  bag.  Auntie  carries  news- 
paper.) 

Ottily  (R  C)— Auntie! 

Auntie  (C) — My  dear  child!  (They  embrace  C.) 
Daphne  (up  L  C  near  door,  handing  bag  to  Parks)  — 
Parks!  (Parks  crosses  to  C  from  L  C,  hands  bag  to  Susie, 
who  takes  it  off  R  I  and  comes  immediately  back  to  R  of 
desk,  Parks  to  window  L  opens  curtains ;  all  this  business 
is  simultaneous.)  (Daphne  X  to  C.)  Sister! 

Ottily  (X  to  C)— And  Daphne!  (They  kiss.)  What 
has  brought  you  all  the  way  from  Yonkers  ?  You  didn't  say 
a  word  about  coming  yesterday. 

Auntie — No,  but  I  was  worried  even  then. 
Ottily  (C)  — (Startled.)     Worried? 

Auntie  (L  of  desk.  Lays  paper  on  desk.  Looking 
about) — Of  course  George  is  at  business? 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — Oh — oh — ye-es,  of  course!  (Susie 
snorts.)  Susan — Parks — that  will  do! 

Parks  (starts  towards  R  I,  stops  up  R  C) — Very  good, 
mum. 

Susie  (R  of  desk) — Oh!  For  the  love  of  Mike!  I've 
lost  it! 

(This  line  must  arrest  attention  of  audience.  The  line 
"I  lost  it — it's  lost"  must  be  repeated  often  during  the 
following  business.  Susie  dashes  to  desk  R  side,  search- 
ing madly  on  it  for  something.  Circles  above  desk  to 
L — side  searches  on  desk — books  under  cushion  of 
chair  L  of  desk;  then  dashes,  to  sofa,  tumble  pillows 
about,  lift  up  seat  cushion  of  sofa,  finally  discovers 
C.  B.  &  Q.  time-table  under  cushion  of  sofa  where 
she  put  it  earlier  in  act.  Having  found  time-table,  her 
excitement  subsides  instantly.  She  crosses  to  door 
R  I  and  exits  reading  time-table.  During  the  above 

10 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

business  Daphne  is  down  L  below  piano.  Ottily  up 
L  C  near  up  stage  end  of  sofa.  Auntie  down  C  cross- 
ing R  as  Susie  circles  to  L  of  desk.  Aunt  taking  posi- 
tion R  of  desk.  As  Susie  starts  to  circle  above  desk 
in  working  to  left  of  same.  Parks  letting  her  pass  in 
front  of  him,  moves  down  R — keeping  above  door  to 
give  Susie  a  clean  exit.  All  feed  the  scene  with  Ad  lib. 
business.)  (Bus.  looking  for  schedule.) 

Parks — She  thinks  she's  in  the  subway !  Stand  on  your 
dignity,  Susan ! 

Auntie  (down  R  C) — What  ails  the  girl? 

Ottily— Susie  !     (Etc.  ad  lib.) 

Susie  (finds  the  schedule)— My  C.  B.  &  Q ! 

Auntie  (comes  down  R  of  desk) — What's  the  matter  with 
Susie?  Has  she  lost  her  mind? 

Parks — No,  ma'am,  she's  lost  her  schedule.     (Exit  R  I.) 

Ottily  (to  sofa,  sit) — Never  mind  her,  tell  me  what 
brought  you  here,  auntie? 

Auntie  (to  R  of  desk  sit) — Well,  if  you  want  the  truth, 
I've  been  worried  sick  about  you. 

Ottily— About  me?     Why? 

Auntie — For  many  reasons  !  I  never  slept  a  wink  on  your 
wedding  night. 

Ottily — Why,  Auntie,  what  kept  you  awake? 

Auntie — I  was  uneasy.  I  couldn't  help  it.  Your  husband 
may  be  all  right,  my  dear.  I've  no  proof  that  he's  not. 

Ottily — Why,  Auntie,  what  do  you  mean? 

Auntie — Remember,  Ottily,  you  only  knew  this  man  two 
weeks  before  you  married  him!  Think  of  it {  Two  iveeks! 

Ottily — You  can  learn  a  lot  of  things  in  two  weeks. 

Auntie — Yes  !     That's  why  I'm  still  single  ! 

Daphne — Goodness,  Auntie,  single  all  these  years !  What 
an  awful  time  you've  had  getting  acquainted  with  men! 

Auntie — Daphne ! 

Ottily — Well,  I  have  George,  that's  all  I  care  to  know. 

Auntie — Suppose  he  had  another  wife  somewhere. 

Ottily — Oh,  Auntie,  how  ridiculous  ! 

Auntie — Oh,  suppose  he  took  fits  ? 

Ottily  and  Daphne — Fits,  Aunty? 

Auntie  (circle  above  desk  to  Ottily  C) — Fits!  My  cousin 
Sallie  in  Mount  Kisco  married  a  man  she'd  known  a  month 
— a  handsome  fellow — a  real-estate,  man!  He  was  just  as 
gentlemanly  as  anyone  you  ever  saw.  You  couldn't  see  a 

ii 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

thing  wrong  with  him !  But  three  days  after  the  wedding 
he  took  a  fit  and  chased  her  out  into  the  hall  of  the  hotel 
with  nothing  on  but  a  bath-towel — and  a  very  small  bath- 
towel  at  that! 

Daphne — How  terrible  if  she'd  met  anybody  she  knew ! 
(At  end  of  sofa.)  Yes,  they  might  have  recognized  her. 

Ottily — George  would  never  do  anything  like  that.  It's 
perfectly  ridiculous  of  you  to  think  of  such  things. 

Auntie  (embracing  her) — I  can't  help  it!  After  all,  I 
brought  you  up.  You're  just  the  same  as  my  own  child 
and  I'm  worried  about  your  living  here  with  a  perfect 
stranger ! 

Ottily — Stranger!    But  he's  my  husband,  Auntie! 

Auntie — Even  so ! 

Ottily — He  was  meant  to  be  my  husband  !  We  fell  in  love 
with  each  other  at  first  sight  and  neither  of  us  had  ever 
looked  at  anyone  else.  It  was  Destiny  made  me  marry  him. 
It  was  Fate  that  brought  him  to  Yonkers. 

-Daphne — Coming  to  Yonkers  isn't  Fate.  It's  a  calamity. 
(Sits  on  sofa  and  leaves  vanity  case  on  sofa  down  stage 
end.) 

Auntie  (goes  to  R,  sits  on  bench) — I  told  Daphne  I  could 
not  draw  another  easy  breath  until  I  had  been  here  to  see 
for  myself  that  you  were  all  right ! 

Daphne  (rise  to  Ottily) — You  are  all  right,  aren't  you? 

Ottily  (C)— -You  can't  imagine  how  wildly,  madly,  glori- 
ously happy  I  am — or  rather — how  happy  I  was — 

Daphne  (L  C)—Was? 

Ottily  (C) — Until  George  went  away! 

Auntie  (goes  to  her,  R  C)—WHAT? 

Daphne    (L  C) — George — went — away? 

Ottily  (C,  to  Daphne) — He — he — had  to  go — on — on — 
Wednesday ! 

Auntie  (R  C) — The  day  after  your  wedding? 

Daphne  (L  C) — Why,  ivhat  do  you  mean? 

Auntie  (R  C) — Your  husband  deserted  you  the  day  after 
your  wedding? 

Ottily  (C  to  Auntie) — Don't  say  deserted,  Aunty.  He 
was  called  away  to  Cleveland  on  business. 

Auntie  (crowding  Ottily  L  a  little) — George  Howell  went 
off  on  a  business  trip  the  day  after  your  wedding? 

Ottily — Yes. 

12 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Auntie  (to  R  C  a  step) — There's  something  wrong  about 
that  man ! 

Ottily  (follow) — But  I  told  him  to  go!  It  meant  money, 
and  when  you  are  married,  you've  got  to  think  of  such 
things ! 

Auntie  (turns  on  her) — I  suppose  that's  what  HE  told 
you? 

Ottily  (hesitates) — Yes. 

Auntie  (R  C) — And  what  WAS  this  important  business, 
I  should  like  to  know? 

Ottily  (C) — It  was  something  concerning  a  client.  (Go 
L  and  turns.)  He  couldn't  reveal  it  to  anyone!  (Go  L.) 

Auntie  (follow  a  step) — Not  even  to  you,  his  wife? 

Ottily — That's  what  he  said. 

Auntie  (to  R  of  desk) — Daphne,  I  don't  like  the  look 
of  this  at  all.  Not  at  all!  He  hasn't  acted  as  if  he  were 
very  glad  to  be  with  you ! 

Daphne  (goes  L) — I  should  think  he  would  have  made 
any  sacrifice  to  have  his  honey-moon  in  peace ! 

(Ottily  is  alone  C.) 

Ottily  (to  L  of  desk) — But  we  are  going  to  be  together 
all  the  rest  of  our  lives  and — and  he  was  only  going  to  be 
gone  for  two  days ! 

Auntie  (leaning  over  desk — R  of  it) — Two  days?  But 
he's  been  away  four  already! 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — He  intended  to  come  back  last  night. 
I'll  surely  hear  from  him  to-day.  (Goes  C.) 

Auntie  (circle  below  desk  to  Ottily  C) — You  haven't  even 
heard  from  him  since  he's  been  away? 

Ottily  (C) — N-n-no,  not — y-yet! 

Daphne  (to  Ottily  L  C) — Well,  that  is  rather  strange! 

Ottily  (C) — No.  He  told  me  he  wouldn't  be  able  to 
write. 

Auntie — Ha ! 

Ottily — For  business  reasons. 

Auntie  (R  C) — Well,  isn't  he  friendly  with  the  Western 
Union  ? 

Daphne  (L  C) — How  do  you  know  he  even  zvent  to 
Cleveland  ? 

Auntie  (crowding  Ottily  L  a  little) — Did  you  see  his 
ticket  ? 

Ottily  (just  L  of  C) — Of  course  not. 

13 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Auntie  (C) — Cleveland!  (Jumping  up.)  I  just  remem- 
bered. Where  is  that  paper  I  brought  in  with  me? 

(X  R  to  desk.  Daphne  X  quickly  front  of  Ottily  to 
Aunt.) 

Ottily  (C) — What's  the  matter,  Auntie? 

Daphne  (R  C) — Parks,  the  paper. 

Auntie  (at  desk  R  of  Daphne) — There  was  something 
in  it  about  an  awful  wreck  somewhere.  (Parks  enters  R  I 
and  steps  down  R.  She  takes  paper  from  desk.)  Pve  got 
it.  Yes— here  it  is.  BOSTON  FLIER  WRECKED 
NEAR  HARTFORD. 

Ottily  (sinks  on  sofa.  Aunt  drops  paper  C.  Aunt  and 
Daphne  rush  to  comfort  her.  Aunt  sits  above  her.  Daphne 
below  her  on  sofa) — O,  I  knew  it!  I  dreamed  it! 

Auntie — Perhaps  it's  for  the  best,  my  dear. 

Parks  (comes  to  C,  picks  up  paper) — If  you'll  pardon 
me,  mum,  I  thought  Mr.  Howell  went  to  Cleveland? 

Ottily  (on  sofa)— He  did!     He  did! 

Parks  (C) — Well,  mum,  I've  been  long  enough  in  the 
country  to  know  that  the  Boston  Flier  don't  go  anywhere 
near  Cleveland,  mum. 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — No? 

Parks  (C) — Oh,  no,  mum.  Cleveland  is  in  Dakota — 
while  Boston  is  in  Rhode  Island.  Opposite  directions,  mum  ! 

Auntie  (she  sees  Parks  with  paper,  X  to  him  C  and  takes 
paper  from  him) — Parks!  I'll  take  my  paper  if  you  have 
quite  finished!  (Sits  L  of  desk — reading  paper.) 

Parks  (goes  up  C  a  little) — Beg  pardon,  mum.  I  was 
interested  in  the  robbery. 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — Robbery?     I  thought  it  was  a  wreck? 

Parks  (up  C) — Yes,  mum,  both,  mum.  A  robbery  in 
Boston.  Mrs.  Pembroke's  rubies  stolen. 

Daphne  (rise  to  him) — Mrs.  Pembroke?  Mrs.  John 
Pembroke  ? 

(Ready  bell.) 

Parks  (C)— Yes,  Miss. 
Ottily  (on  sofa) — Robbed,  you  say? 

Parks — Yes,  mum.  (Bending  over  Auntie's  shoulder, 
reading.) 

Daphne  (to  Ottily) — My  goodness!     Ned's  mother! 

(Parks  is  bending  over  Auntie  so  that  his  face  is  very 
near  her's  though  a  little  back  of  her.  On  the  line 
"Look,  dear !"  she  puts  her  left  arm  up  and  around  his 

14 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

face,  drawing  his  head  down  to  hers,  not  realizing  he 
is  not  Daphne  until  their  faces  touch.    The  three  gasp. 
Parks  jumps  away  embarrassed  and  starts  toward  R  I, 
circling  above  desk,  and  making  exit  R   I  just  after 
Ottily's  line  "Parks,  I  think  we'd  like  some  tea.") 
Auntie  (bus.) — So  it  is!     Look,  dear! 
Ottily — Parks  !     I  think  we'll  have  some  tea ! 
Parks  (down  R) — Very  good,  mum.     (Exit  R  I.) 
Daphne  (quickly  to  Aunt  bends  reading) — Jewels  valued 
at  thirty  thousand  dollars !     Think  of  it !     Came  right  into 
her  bedroom  and  took  them  from  her  dressing-table ! 
Auntie  (L  of  desk) — A  thousand  dollars  reward! 
Daphne   (C,  turns  to  Ottily) — Imagine  a  man's  getting 
into  her  bedchamber  at  night ! 
(Enter  Parks  R  with  tea.) 

Auntie — What  desperate  chances  some  men  take! 
Parks — The  tea,  mum  ! 

(Parks  and  Auntie  exchange  looks.  Parks  places  tea 
on  desk — BELL  RINGS.  Parks  Xes  above  desk  to 
up  R  C.)  BELL. 

Ottily  (rising  gladly) — That  must  be  George!     (Rushes 
to  door,  peeps  out,  closes  door  and  comes  to  down  C  fright- 
ened.)    An  awful  looking  man. 
Auntie  (rising) — Don't  let  him  in. 

(Auntie  and  Daphne  cross  quickly  to  R  and  exit  R  I. 

Pause.)  BELL. 

Parks  (above  desk) — Leave  him  to  me,  ma'am.       BELL. 

Ottily    (going   toward    door   R    I) — Yes,    Parks.      You 

answer  it.     I'm  so  nervous — ad  lib. 

(Exit  R  I.     Parks  to  door,  hesitates,  opens  door.    King 
brushes  past  him  and  comes  C.     Parks  follows.     King 
carries  a  large  tan  leather  travelling  bag.) 
Parks  (down  to  C,  R  of  King) — May  I  awsk  your  busi- 
ness, sir? 

King   (L  C,  drops  grip  on  sofa,  end  with  G.  H.  on  it 
toward  audience) — You  may  awsk,  but  I  may  not  tell  you. 
Parks  (C)  —  Then  let  me  tell  you,  sir,  you've  been  most 
rude,  sir,  in — 

King  (L  C) — Wait — my  dream  is  out.    Been!    Now  I've 
got  you.    You're  the  gink  I  had  on  the  telephone  a  moment 
ago.     (Parks  glares  at  him  C.)     Ain't  you  the  guy? 
Parks  (C) — No,  sir;  I'm  the  butler. 

15 


A     FULL    HO  USE 

King  (L  C) — Well,  I  want  to  see  the  owner  of  this  apart- 
ment. 

Parks  (C) — He's  in  Europe,  sir. 

King  (L  C) — Don't  lie  to  me.  On  the  telephone  you 
said  he  was  expected  any  minute. 

Parks  (C) — Oh,  you  mean  the  man  who  lives  here. 

King  (L  C) — Wake  up!  Yes,  yes< — use  your  noodle! 
Use  your  noodle ! 

Parks  (C) — Mr.  Fleming  owns  the  apartment;  he's  my 
master  and  he's  traveling  in  Europe.  We've  sublet  the 
apartment  to  Mr.  'Owell ! 

King — Owell.  Yes,  that's  the  bird  I  want.  Owl.  Trot 
him  out. 

Parks  (C) — Oh,  'ees  in  Cleveland! 

King  (L  C) — Cleveland  nothing.  I  saw  him  in  Boston 
yesterday,  I  was  on  the  train  with  him  this  morning.  Don't 
lie  to  me.  Trot  him  out. 

Parks  (C) — I  tell  you  'ees  not  'ome  yet. 

King  (L  C) — What's  keeping  him. 

Parks  (pointedly) — That's  what  his  wife  would  like  to 
know,  sir. 

King — So  that's  his  game?  A  hen  at  home  and  chickens 
in  Boston. 

Parks — No,  sir;  'ees  a  lawyer;  'ees  not  in  the  poultry 
business. 

King  (to  L  a  step) — Heaven  keep  my  hands  off  this  man. 

Parks  (starts,  looking  at  bag  on  sofa) — Oh,  I  see  you 
brought  his  bag,  sir. 

King— What? 

Parks — Isn't  that  Mr.  'Owells?  Why,  of  course  it  is. 
Those  are  his  initials.  G.  H.  Shall  I  take  it,  sir?  (Starts 
to  do  so.) 

King  (pushes  him  away  and  grabs  bag) — Over  my  dead 
body.  He'll  get  his  when  I  get  mine.  There  is  just  one 
way  he  can  come  in 

Parks  (C) — Of  course — this  way!  (Indicates  door  up 
L  C.) 

King  (goes  up  to  door  C,  opens  it,  Parks  follows  Xes 
to  L  of  King,  holding  door  open.  Ottily  enter  R  I) — All 
right.  Fl  wait  outside  for  him,  then.  If  I  don't  see  him, 
I'll  be  back  and  you  can  tell  him  for  me  that  I  got  to  see 
him  soon — and  it's  important.  You  tell  him  to  wait  here 
in  case  I  don't  catch  him  outside — see? 

16 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Parks— Yes,  I'll  tell  him. 

Ottily  (X  to  below  desk) — Will  you  leave  your  name? 

King — No,  thank  you,  ma'am ;  I  may  want  to  use  it  again. 
(Exit  L  C.) 

Auntie  (and  Daphne  enter  R  I  and  stand  down  R)  — 
Who  was  it,  Parks?  (Comes  to  R  of  desk.) 

Parks  (closes  door  and  comes  C) — As  you  say  in  Ameri- 
can, ma'am — a  tough  looking  mug. 

Aunt  and  Ottily — Mug! 

Parks  (C) — He's  brought  Mr.  Howell's  grip. 

Ottily  (frightened,  R  C  of  desk) — Something's  happened. 
SOMETHING'S  HAPPENED  TO  GEORGE !  OH  ! 

Auntie  (R  of  desk,  Daphne  R  of  auntie) — Did  he  say 
where  he  got  it  ? 

Parks — No,  ma'am,  but  he  said  he  would  wait  and  catch 
Mr.  Howell  there. 

Auntie — Catch  him?    Maybe  he's  a  detective! 

Parks  (circles  above  desk  to  R  I) — No,  ma'am.  I  don't 
think  he's  a  detective.  He  looked  more  like  a  third  story 
man.  A  verandah  climber. 

All— Verandah  climber !     (BELL.} 

Daphne  (R,  up  stage  a  little) — Now  who  is  that? 

Ottily  (going  to  door.  Auntie  to  L  of  desk) — I  hope  he 
hasn't  come  back.  (Opens  door  fearfully.)  Why,  Ned 
Pembroke ! 

(At  above  line,  Daphne  starts  gladly  up  R  towards  Ned. 
Auntie  waves  her  back  and  turns  toward  L  C.  Daphne 
sneaks  to  above  desk.  Ned  Pembroke  enters.) 

Ned — Good  afternoon,  Mrs.  Howell.    Is  George  here? 

Ottily  (by  door  L  of  Ned) — Why — no — not  yet.  I  ex- 
pect him  any  moment,  though.  He's  been  out  of  town,  you 
know ! 

Ned  (up  L)— Yes,  /  know.  .  .  .  May  I  wait?  (Ned 
puts  hat  on  table  by  door.) 

Ottily  (up  L)— Surely. 

Daphne  (rushes  to  him  C) — NED! 

Ned  (comes  to  her  C)— DAPHNE! 

Auntie — Daphne!  (Ottily  crosses  to  R  of  desk,  pours 
tea.) 

Ned  (Xes  to  Auntie  to  L  of  desk.  Daphne  to  sofa — 
sits) — Oh,  Miss  Winnacker — how  do  you  do? 

Auntie  (coldly) — Quite  well,  thank  you! 

Ned — Chilly  weather  we're  having.     (Go  to  C.) 

17 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ottily — Won't  you  join  us,  Ned?  (Crosses  to  him  and 
hands  him  two  cups  of  tea.) 

Daphne — Tea  ? 

Ned  (to  Daphne) — What  have  /  done? 

Auntie  (seated  L  of  desk) — Mr.  Pembroke,  what  is  this 
story  in  the  papers  this  morning  about  your  mother's  rubies  ? 
Did  she  REALLY  lose  them? 

Ned  (stands  awkwardly  C,  holding  cups) — I  hope  so. 

The  Women — What ! 

Ned — I  hope  even  mother  wouldn't  go  that  far  to  get  her 
name  in  the  papers.  Losing  jewels  was  a  stale  press  story 
when  you  were  a  girl.  Oh,  I  didn't  mean  that !  What  do 
I  do  with  these  ?  Juggle  'em ! 

Daphne  (rises,  takes  one  cup,  sits  again.  Ottily  sits  R 
of  desk) — You  drink  that! 

Ned  (sits  on  upstage  arm  of  sofa) — Oh! 

Daphne  (on  sofa) — I  don't  see  how  you  can  jest  about 
such  a  dreadful  loss.  $30,000,  the  papers  said. 

Ned — It's  a  good  lesson  to  her.  The  idea  of  tying  up  all 
that  real  money  in  red  stones.  Isn't  it  the  limit,  honestly? 

Auntie — You  are  quite  right  for  once.  It  COULD  be 
used  to  better  advantage. 

Ned — Thirty  thousand!  Of  course  it  could,  and  I'm  the 
little  fellow  that  could  use  it — if  I  could  get  hold  of  it ! 

Auntie — If  you  could  get  hold  of  it? 

Ned— If  I  could  borrow  it,  or  STEAL  it! 

Ottily— Steal  it— oh,  Ned ! 

Daphne — Have  they  really  a  clue  to  the  thief? 

Ned  (sits  by  Daphne  on  sofa,  arm  around  her) — I  be- 
lieve so.  I  wasn't  in  Boston  last  night  when  it  happened, 
but  I  had  the  house  on  the  long  distance  this  morning  and 
mother's  secretary  said  the  whole  Boston  police  force  is  on 
the  job.  She's  on  her  way  here  now. 

Auntie — Daphne!  (They  separate.)  That's  better. 
(Ned  strangles  trying  to  drink  tea.) 

Daphne  (amused)— He  LOVES  it! 

Ottily  (rising) — He  doesn't  have  to  drink  it.  It's  cold 
any  way.  Come  into  the  dining-room,  Ned,  and  I'll  find 
something  more  to  your  liking.  (To  door  R  I  and  exit.) 

Auntie  (rises — Daphne  rises  and  Xes  to  her) — Yes,  I'd 
like  to  have  something  warm  myself.  (X  to  door  R  I. 
Ned  puts  his  cup  and  Daphne's  on  desk.) 

Daphne  (at  door  R  C) — Auntie,  you  don't  mean — 

18 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Auntie — Tea!     (Exit  door  R  I.) 

Daphne  (to  door  R  I) — Aren't  you  coming,  Ned? 
('PHONE.) 

Ned — I'll  answer  the  'phone.  (Exit  Daphne  R  I.  Ned 
goes  to 'phone  L  of  desk.)  Hello!  Hello,  George !  Where 
are  you?  At  the  doctor's?  What's  the  matter?  What — 
the  wreck?  Are  you  hurt?  Only  a  scratch?  Good.  Oh, 
I  say,  George — George,  did  you  get  what  you  went  after? 
The  letters  I  wrote  to  Vera  Vernon?  Did  you  get  them 
back?  All  of -them?  Good!  Vera  can't  make  any  more 
trouble!  I  can  propose  to  Daphne!  Good!  I'll  go  right 
to  it.  (Hangs  up  receiver.  Hesitates,  goes  to  door  R  I. 
Opens  it.)  Daphne! 

Daphne — Yes?  (Enters  R  I.  Ned  returns  to  C.  Daphne 
comes  to  him.) 

Ned  (to  C) — Come  here  a  moment,  I've  got  something 
to  say  to  you. 

Daphne— Well  ? 

Ned  (at  a  loss) — May  I  smoke? 

Daphne — Yes,  if  you  like.  (Ned  takes  out  cigarette  case. 
She  comes  below  desk.)  Oh,  what  a  pretty  cigarette  case! 
(Ned  startled,  tries  to  hide  case.  Daphne  goes  to  him  and 
takes  case.)  Mayn't  I  see  it? 

Ned  (reluctantly) — Of  course,  if  you  like. 

Daphne  (goes  L  to  L  C) — Who  gave  it  to  you? 

Ned  (C  to  R  C) — A  girl  I  used  to  knew  a  LONG  time 
ago! 

Daphne  (cross  to  sofa,  L  C,  examining  case — reads:)  — 
From  Vera  to  NIPPERS  -  -  February  ;th,  1915.  A 
long  time  ago,  eh? 

Ned  (at  R  C)— Well,  it  SEEMS  a  long  time  ago. 
(Comes  to  her.) 

Daphne  (L  C  at  sofa,  still  examining  case) — And  you 
carry  it,  I  suppose,  because  you  were  so  very  fond  of  her? 

Ned  (following,  a  little  above  her,  takes  case  from  her 
and  puts  it  in  his  pocket) — I  carry  it  because  it  holds  two 
dozen  cigarettes. 

Daphne  (acidly) — I've  always  liked  the  name  of  Vera. 
(On  sofa  down.) 

Ned — I  think  Daphne's  the  prettiest  name  there  is. 

Daphne  (delighted) — Do  you  really? 

Ned  (C) — Yes.  Daphne,  I've  got  something  to  say  to 
you. 

19 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Daphne  (fixes  herself  comfortably) — Yes? — Yes?  Well, 
I'm  listening. 

Ned  (C,  a  little  nervous,  but  frankly) — I — I'm  trying  to 
think  of  a  good  way  to  begin ! 

Daphne  (on  sofa) — Does  it  matter  how  you  begin? 

Ned — It's  not  so  much  how  I  begin  as  how  I  finish. 

Daphne  (rise  to  him.  Rising  anxiously) — It  isn't  bad 
news  you  are  trying  to  break  ? 

Ned  (C)— Oh,  Lord  no!  It's  GOOD  news— I— THINK! 

Daphne  (backing  him  toward  desk) — You  think?  Aren't 
you  sure  ? 

Ned  (backing  toward  desk) — No.  You  see,  everything 
depends  on  you. 

Daphne — Me  ? 

Ned — If  you  will,  it'll  be  great — but  if  you  won't,  it'll 
be  AWFUL. 

Daphne  (backing  him  toward  desk) — If  I  will — what? 

Ned  (bump  into  desk  and  sits  on  it) — Do  what  I'm  try- 
ing to  ask  you  ? 

Daphne  (guessing) — Ned  Pembroke,  you're  not  trying 
to  propose  to  me,  are  you? 

Ned  (sitting  on  desk — eagerly) — YES! 

Daphne  (sits  in  chair  L  of  desk) — Why — Ned! 

Ned — I  need  a  little  practice,  but  I've  got  the  right  idea. 
(Daphne  keeps  her  face  turned  from  him.)  Well — will 
you? 

Daphne— WILL  I  WHAT? 

Ned— Will  you  marry  me? 

Daphne — Do  you  want  me  to? 

Ned — You  don't  think  I'm  doing  this  for  the  fun  I  get 
out  of  it? 

Daphne  (in  chair,  L  of  desk) — Do  you  want  me  very 
much? 

Ned  (on  desk) — You  bet  I  do! 

Daphne  (rise  to  C) — Then — I  will. 

Ned  (rise  to  her) — Hurrah!  I'm  glad  that's  off  my 
chest.  (Produces  ring.)  Which  finger  does  it  go  on? 
(Puts  ring  on  her  finger.) 

Daphne  (holding  it  up  facing  L) — Oh!     How  beautiful. 
It's  a  dear! 

Ned — What  comes  next?     (Kisses  her.) 

Daphne  (drawing  away  to  L) — I'll  bet  you  have  kissed 
every  other  girl  you  ever  met. 

20 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Ned  (rattled) — Not  everyone.     Some  got  away. 

Daphne  (L  C) — That  was  positively  the  worst  proposal 
I  ever  had. 

Ned  (C.  Rattled) — Well,  it's  the  first  one  I  ever  made. 
The  next  time  I'll  have  more  experience. 

Daphne  (X  to  R  C)— What! 

Ned  (to  L  C) — Oh,  no,  I  didn't  mean  that ! 

Daphne  (front  of  desk) — Was  that  really  the  first  pro- 
posal you  ever  made? 

Ned  (comes  to  her) — It  was. 

Daphne  (sit  on  seat  below  desk) — But  you  must  have 
fancied  yourself  in  love  before? 

Ned  (sit  on  seat  L  of  Daphne) — Well  that's  how  I 
learned  to  tell  the  real  thing  by  making  mistakes  and  find- 
ing them  out. 

Daphne  (on  seat) — Suppose  you  find  out  that  this  is  an- 
other mistake? 

Ned  (on  seat) — I'm  sure  this  time.  Once  you've  had  the 
real  disease  you  recognize  it  all  right. 

Daphne — Disease  ? 

Ned — It's  only  when  you  haven't  had  it  that  you  make 
mistakes. 

Daphne  (on  seat) — For  instance. 

Ned  (on  seat) — Well,  now,  suppose  you've  heard  a  lot 
about  appendicitis,  but  you've  never  had  it.  Well,  every 
time  you  get  a  pain  in  your  right  side,  you  say,  "I'll  be 
jiggered,  here  it  is  at  last."  Then  you  find  out  your  mis- 
take. But  once  you've  had  it,  you'd  be  apt  to  know  it, 
wouldn't  you?  (Rise,  goes  to  L  C.) 

Daphne  (on  seat) — I  dare  say.  But  I  don't  like  your 
comparing  love  to  your  appendix. 

Ned — Why  not? 

Daphne — Your  appendix  can  be  cut  out. 

Ned  (back  to  seat,  sit  L) — Nothing  is  going  to  be  cut 
out  of  our  young  lives.  Oh,  when  are  we  going  to  be 
married  ? 

Daphne  (on  seat) — I  haven't  set  the  definite  date  yet— - 
in  about  three  months. 

Ned — Three  months  !     That's  too  long. 

Daphne  (on  seat) — I  shouldn't  think  of  getting  married 
any  sooner. 

Ned  (on  seat) — But  three  months  seems  an  awful  long 
time. 

21 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Daphne  (on  seat) — But  we  shall  be  engaged  and  everyone 
knows  that  when  you're  engaged  is  the  happiest  time  of 
your  life. 

Ned — Let's  be  sure  of  three  months  of  it  anyway.  I 
don't  mean  that.  I  know  we  are  going  to  be  very  happy. 

Daphne  (on  seat) — I've  always  wanted  a  BIG  wedding. 
I  think  Ottily's  was  horrid.  "Psh !"  All  over  in  an  instant ! 

Ned  (sit  on  desk) — I  rather  like  that  "Psh!"  about  it. 

Daphne  (rise  to  R) — The  bigger  the  wedding  the  more 
presents  we'll  get. 

Ned — Now  I've  got  you.     You  want  to  be  practical. 

Daphne — I'll  go  and  speak  to  auntie  about  announcing 
an  engagement.  (Exit  R  I.) 

Ned — No!    Wait  a  minute!     (To  C.)     George! 

(Enter  quickly,  carrying  traveling  bag  to  C,  coat  to  sofa, 
grip  by  door  of  closet  up  C.  Hat  on  table  by  door 
L  C.) 

Ho  well  (worried) — Hello,  Ned.     Where's  Ottily? 

Ned  (C) — Upstairs  somewhere.  You  had  me  hopping 
like  a  hen  on  a  hot  griddle.  What  the  devil  kept  you,  any- 
way? 

Howell  (C) — I  had  to  stay  longer  than  I  expected,  i 
couldn't  wire  Ottily  or  she'd  have  known  I  was  in  Boston. 
I  told  her  I  was  going  to  Cleveland. 

Ned  (C) — I  know  that.    You  got  my  letters  from  Vera? 

Howell  (C) — Yes,  I  got  your  confounded  love  letter? 
after  a  devil  of  a  time. 

Ned  (C,  X  to  R  C) — Well,  you  got  there  just  in  time. 
Another  day  and  it  would  have  been  all  off. 

Howell  (C)— Why? 

Ned  (R  C) — I  got  another  letter  from  Vera's  lawyers 
this  morning  saying  they'd  give  me  until  tomorrow  and  to 
pay  up  or  they'd  start  action. 

Howell  (C) — How  you  ever  fell  for  the  innocent  gag  of 
Vera  Vernon  is  beyond  me.  You  ought  to  go  to  night- 
school. 

Ned — That's  where  I  met  her.  Rector's  night  school. 
(X  to  desk  R  C,  lean  against  it.) 

Howell  (follow  to  R  C) — Do  you  realize  you  might  have 
been  the  husband  of  a  famous  chorus  girl.  I'd  hate  to  tell 
you  how  famous. 

Ned — At  least  I  haven't  done  anything  I  ought  to  be 
ashamed  of.  I  thought  she  was  different  from  the  rest. 

22 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Howell  (same  position) — Where  have  I  heard  those 
words  before?  Ask  as  many  girls  as  you  like  to  marry 
you,  but  don't  commit  yourself  on  paper.  It  isn't  done 
in  our  set.  (Takes  stage  to  X.) 

Ned  (follow  eagerly) — Tell  me,  George,  how  did  you  get 
the  letters. 

Howell — I  wrote  her  a  note — said  I  was  a  stranger  alone 
in  Boston  and  would  esteem  it  an  honor  if  she  would  take 
supper  with  me. 

Ned  (eagerly) — Which  she  did,  of  course. 

Howell— She  did ! 

Ned — Where  did  you  go? 

Howell — To  the  Turaine.  I  opened  some  champagne, 
gave  her  my  fraternity  pin  and  gazed  at  her  like  a  dazed 
owl. 

Ned  (to  desk.     Sit  on  same) — You  got  her  piflicated. 

Howell  (to  him) — Not  that  night.  She  limited  herself 
to  one  glass  of  wine  on  Wednesday. 

Ned — One  glass  of  wine.  Say,  old  man,  you  got  hold 
of  the  wrong  girl. 

Howell — Oh  no,  I  didn't.  I  knew  she  wasn't  carrying 
your  letters  around  in  her  hand  bag,  so  I  pretended  to  make 
love  to  her.  (Take  to  L  C.) 

Ned — Just  pretended? 

Howell — Yes,  and  I'm  some  pretender — and  as  a  result 
I  was  rewarded  by  an  invitation  to  her  apartment,  and  the 
next  night  she  drank  a  little  more — and  last  night — you 
can't  imagine  how  much  wine  that  girl  got  on  the  outside  of? 

Ned — You  can't  surprise  me,  old  boy.  She's  a  tank.  (To 
R  near  door  R  I.) 

Howell  (L  C) — She's  a  reservoir.  I  brought  you  my 
expense  account.  That  little  trip  will  cost  you  just  about 
five  hundred  dollars,  Nippers! 

Ned  (R) — Say — George — 

Howell  (stroll  up  to  C) — Pretty  pet  name  she  has  for 
you — Nippers! 

Ned  (rush  to  him  C) — Don't  call  me  that  here.  It  gives 
me  the  jumps ! 

Howell — Well,  anyway,  you  can  reimburse  me  for  flow- 
ers, wine,  candy  and  taxicabs.  I'll  never  recover  from  the 
shock  to  my  nerves,  though.  I'll  never  be  the  same!  (X  to 
chair  L  of  desk,  sit.) 

23 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ned  (follow  from  C) — By  gad,  you  do  look  a  little  under 
the  weather!  She  didn't  get  rough! 

Howell  (seated  L  of  desk) — No,  that's  a  birth-mark! 

Ned  (L  of  Howell) — I've  never  seen  it  before. 

Howell  (seated  L  of  desk) — Pullman  birth.  I  can't  see 
why  they  call  those  Pullmans  sleepers. 

Ned  (C) — That's  right,  the  wreck! 

Howell  (seated  L  of  desk) — Our  train  ran  into  some- 
thing this  morning  and  we  nearly  had  a  smash-up. 

Ned  (C) — The  papers  are  full  of  it. 

Howell  (seated  L  of  desk) — Can  you  imagine  what  would 
have  happened  if  I  had  been  injured  in  that  wreck?  Ottily 
would  have  found  out  I  was  in  Boston.  (Rise  go  to  C.)  I 
tremble  when  I  think  of  the  chances  I  took  for  you. 

Ned  (crosses  to  George  C) — Never  mind,  old  man!  You 
got  my  letters  from  Vera.  You've  saved  my  life!  (X  to  R 
of  desk.) 

Howell  (rise) — Your  life?  Look  here,  do  you  think  I 
went  to  Boston  after  those  love-letters  on  your  account?  I 
did  it  for  Ottily  and  Daphne — to  avoid  a  scandal  for  their 
sakes !  Oh,  the  wine  I've  drunk  and  the  sleep  I've  lost  and 
the  time  I've  had — wasted.  (Take  L  to  L  C.) 

Ned  (X  to  R  of  desk) — Just  the  same,  you  saved  me  a  lot 
of  worry  and  notoriety  and  expense  and — I'm  grateful ! 

Howell  (at  L  C) — Well,  you  ought  to  be! 

Ned  (R  of  desk) — What  did  you  do  with  my  letters? 
Destroy  them? 

Howell — No,  I've  got  them  here  in  my  grip.  (Brings 
grip  to  sofa  and  begins  opening  it.  His  back  is  toward 
door  R£.) 

Ned — Good  boy !    Get  them  for  me,  will  you — oh — 

(As  Howell  is  bending  over  grip.  Auntie  enters  R  I,  clos- 
ing the  door.  Ned  sees  her  and  begins  wildly  to  attract 
Howell's  attention,  but  without  success.  Auntie  looks 
at  Ned  in  amazement,  crosses  to  C  and  upstage  still 
gazing  at  Ned,  who  is  pretending  to  be  trying  to  catch 
a  fly.  Ned  is  R  of  desk.  Auntie  finally  sees  Howell 
L  C  and  goes  to  him.) 

Auntie  (Sweetly.  Goes  to  him) — Why,  George!  My 
dear  boy,  where  have  you  been? 

Howell  (turns  embarrassed) — Well,  you  see  I've  been 
in —  (Ned  begins  making  desperate  signs  again.  Auntie 

24 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

and  Howell  watch  him  until  he  pretends  to  have  caught  the 
fly.)  Auntie!  What  good  wind  blew  you  in? 

Auntie — I  had  to  come.  I  had  to  make  sure  that  Otilly 
was  all  right.  I  simply  couldn't  rest  until  I'd  seen  for 
myself.  NOT  that  I  distrusted  YOU !  I  know  you'd  do 
your  best  to  make  her  happy,  but  she  was  almost  a  daughter 
to  me. 

Howell — Of  course,  of  course !     Glad  to  have  you  here. 

Ned  (aside) — Tickled  to  death! 

Auntie— What's  that? 

Ned — I  said  we  are  tickled  to  death. 

George — Where  is  Ottily? 

Auntie — She  doesn't  know  you're  here.  I'll  break  the 
news  to  her  gently. 

Howell — Gently  ? 

Auntie  (going  upstairs) — Yes.  We  were  just  becoming 
resigned  to  the  idea  that  you  were  never  coming  back. 
(Auntie  exits  upsteps.) 

Ned  (X  above  desk  to  Howell  C) — You  ought  to  sit  on 
that  woman. 

Howell  (to  L  C  to  sofa) — I  ought  to  step  on  her. 

Ned  (L  C) — Hurry  up.     Get  me  my  letters. 

Ottily  (off  R  3)— Ah,  is  he? 

Auntie  (off  R  3) — Yes,  dear. 

Ned  (X  to  R  I  quickly) — Never  mind.  Remember — not 
a  word.  Not  even  to  Ottily. 

Howell  (unstrapping  bag) — Haven't  I  promised?  (Put 
grip  up  by  closet  C.) 

Ned — Ye-es — but — you're  a  lawyer ! 

(Exit  R  I.     Ottily  enters  downsteps  Ned  exits.) 

Ottily  (to  C) — George!    My  dear !    I've  been  so  worried ! 

Howell    (to  C,  embracing  her) — Nonsense! 

Ottily  (C) — I  thought  you  were  never  coming.  I  was 
so  frightened  and  unhappy! 

Howell  (C) — I'm  sorry! 

Ottily  (C) — George!  What's  the  matter  with  your  head? 
You're  hurt ! 

Howell  (C)— That?  Oh,  that's  nothing  but  a  scratch. 
I'd  forgotten  about  it  already — and — I  had  no  time  to  shave ! 

Ottily  (C) — You're  trying  to  keep  the  truth  from  me! 
You  were  in  that  wreck  as  I  dreamed. 

Howell  (hesitating) — W-r-e-c-k?—    What  wreck? 

25 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ottily  (C) — The  Boston  train  was  wrecked  near  Hart- 
ford! 

Howell  (C) — Now  how  could  a  man  coming  from  Cleve- 
land be  in  a  wreck  near  Hartford? 

Ottily — I  thought  lawyers  could  do  anything!  (He 
laughs.  Goes  to  L  a  step.)  I  don't  like  that  cut  at  all,  dear 
— and  you  look  all  tired  out! 

Howell — I  am. 

Ottily  (arms  around  him)  —  You  must  have  had  an 
awful  time. 

Howell — Terrible. 

Ottily — I  hated  being  here  without  you. 

Howell — Poor  little  clear !  From  now  on,  we'll  never  be 
separated  again. 

Ottily — Promise. 

Howell — I  promise. 

(Kiss.    They  hold  the  kiss  until  Auntie  spoke.) 

Auntie — Again  or  yet.  Don't  hurry.  Dinner  in  an  hour. 
(Comes  down  R,  circles  desk,  seats  herself  at  desk  L  of  it 
with  knitting.) 

Howell  (C) — In  that  case  I  think  I'll  just  run  up  to  the 
barber-shop  and  be  shaved  while  I'm  waiting. 

Ottily  (C) — Why  must  you  be  shaved?     I  don't  mind! 

Howell  (C) — I  feel  uncomfortable!  I'll  be  back  in  a 
few  minutes,  dear! 

Ottily — Alright,  my  darling.  If  you  must.  (They  kiss. 
As  he  draws  away,  goes  to  door  L  C,  picks  up  hat  from 
table  by  door.)  George!  (Rushes  to  him.  They  embrace.) 

Auntie — For  heaven's  sake  let  the  man  alone!  (Sit  L  of 
desk.) 

Ottily  (up  L.  He  opens  door) — Don't  be  any  longer 
than  you  can  help,  will  you,  sweetheart? 

Howell  (R  of  Ottily  and  near  door) — Certainly  not,  my 
darling!  (Takes  her  hands.) 

Ottily — You  dear! 

Howell — Sweetheart ! 

Ottily — Precious ! 

Howell — Darling ! 

Ottily  and  Howell  (together  embrace) — Angel! 

Auntie  (disgusted) — Mush! 

(Howell  exits  L  C.) 

Ottily  (close  door  coming  to  C.  Ready  Susie) — Isn't  he 
wonderful? 

26 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Auntie  (L  of  desk) — Humph! 

Ottily  (to  sofa  sit) — Aren't  you  sorry  now  that  you  said 
such  dreadful  things  about  him?  Can  you  even  think  them 
when  you  look  at  him? 

Auntie — Handsome  is  as  handsome  does,  my  child! 

Susie  (enters  downsteps) — The  laundry  man  has  came, 
ma'am.  (At  C.) 

Auntie  (at  desk) — Has  came? 

Susie  (C) — Yes'm,  has  came  into  the  kitchen! 

Auntie — Ugh ! 

Ottily  (on  sofa) — Thank  you,  Susie.  Get  the  creton  bag 
— the  laundry  is  all  in  my  room. 

Susie  (Crossing  to  R  I.  Trips  over  Auntie's  foot)  — 
'Scuse  me.  Yes'm,  and  a  funny  thing — the  laundry  man 
has  a  brother  in  Cedar  Rapids.  That's  on  the  Northwestern, 
near  Sioux  City. 

(Exit  R  I.     Auntie  and  Ottily  rise.     Ottily  goes  up  C.) 

Auntie  (X  to  C) — If  I  had  that,  I'd  poison  it!  Why 
don't  you  get  rid  of  her? 

Ottily  (rise)— I  can't.  She  came  with  the  apartment, 
with  the  rest  of  the  furniture.  I  wonder  if  George  has  any 
laundry  in  his  grip?  (Goes  up  C  to  get  it.) 

Auntie  (to  sofa  and  sit) — I  dare  say.  You'd  better  open 
it  and  get  it  out. 

Ottily  (comes  to  front  of  desk.  Carrying  grip.  Puts  it 
on  seat  below  desk) — I  will  .  .  .  How  heavy  it  is  ... 

Auntie — Men  always  carry  away  with  them  all  sorts  of 
things  that  they  don't  need.  I  remember  my  father  used 
to  take  away  more  clothes  for  a  three-days'  trip  than  he 
could  use  in  three  months. 

(Susie  enters  R  I.     With  laundry  bag.) 

Ottily  (who  has  opened  bag,  screams) — Oh-h-h  !  (Slams 
grip  shut.) 

Auntie  (X  to  her.    Leave  knitting  on  sofa) — What  is  it? 

Ottily   (frightened.     Gasping) — N-nothing! 

Susie  (has  entered  with  laundry  bag,  stands  R,  watching) 
Has  Mr.  Howell  got  laundry,  too,  ma'am? 

Ottily  (impatiently) — No,  no,  no.  Send  the  other  things 
and  let  Mr.  Ho  well's  go! 

Susie  (goes  up  steps  looking  over  her  shoulder) — Oh, 
very  good,  ma'am ! 

Auntie   (L  of  Ottily.     Susie  listens  throughout  the  fol- 

27 


A     FULL    HO  USE 

lowing  scene) — What  on  earth  is  the  matter  with  you, 
Ottily  ? 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — Something  dreadful — dreadful! 

Auntie  (C)—What? 

Ottily  (R  C) — Oh,  Auntie,  Auntie,  Auntie! 

Auntie  (C) — Tell  me  this  instant  what's  wrong! 

Ottily  (R  C)— If  it  should  be  true! 

Auntie  (R  C)— What? 

Ottily  (R  C)— What  you  said! 

Auntie  (R  C) — About  another  wife? 

Ottily  (R  C)— Oh,  no!    Worse!    Worse! 

Auntie  (R  C) — Open  that  grip  this  minute  and  let  me 
see!  (X  front  of  desk  to  R  of  it.) 

Ottily  (L  of  desk)— Oh,  no !    I  mustn't ! 

Auntie  (R  of  desk) — Ottily!  (Looking  in  grip.)  Good 
Heavens ! 

Ottily  (go  L  to  back) — It's  George's  grip — George's! 
(Takes  out  articles  as  mentioned  and  puts  them  back.) 

Auntie — What's  this?  A  gun!  Oh!  A  black  mask! 
Burglar's  tools.  A  jewel-case,  the  address,  Mrs.  Pembroke, 
Boston!  ...  The  PEMBROKE  RUBIES!  (Opens  jewel- 
case  and  holds  up  jewels.) 

Ottily — I  can't  believe  it !    I  can't  believe  it ! 

Auntie  (R  of  desk) — I  TOLD  you  there  was  something 
wrong  with  that  man !  I  felt  it !  I  knew  it !  He's  a 
burglar! 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — He  isn't  a  bruglar!     He  isn't! 

Auntie  (R  of  desk) — Then  how  do  you  account  for  this? 

Ottily  (go  to  L  C)— What  shall  I  do.  Oh,  what  shall 
I  do? 

Auntie  (puts  jewels  back  in  case,  lays  case  on  table,  X 
to  Ottily  L  C) — Get  on  your  things  and  we'll  go  before  he 
comes  back ! 

Ottily   (turns  to  Aunt  L  C) — Go?     Where? 

Auntie  (L  C) — To  my  house!  .  .  .  It's  the  only  place 
for  you  now ! 

Ottily — And  leave  George  ! 

Auntie — Do  you  think  for  one  moment  of  living  with  a 
thief  ? 

Ottily  (X  front  of  Aunt  R  C) — Stop!  You  must  not 
say  that ! 

Auntie   (follow) — Well,  what  is  he  then? 

28 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Ottily  (X  to  L  C) — He's  my  husband  and  he's  not  a 
thief ! 

Auntie — You'll  have  a  hard  time  proving  that! 

Ottily  (L  C) — I  know  it's  true.    I  know  it! 

Auntie  (follow  to  L  C  to  take  her  arm) — Come — nothing 
can  be  gained  by  dawdling  here.  We'll  get  a  divorce. 

Ottily  (L  C) — But  I  don't  want  a  divorce.     I  love  him! 

Auntie  (L  C) — You  must  stop  loving  him  then.  I  shan't 
let  you  stay  here — knowing  what  he  is ! 

Ottily  (L  C) — I  must  stay.  I  must  help  him  to  escape 
detection,  and — if  he  is  a  thief — I  must  get  him  to  reform ! 

Auntie  (L  C) — No  woman  ever  reformed  a  man  after 
she  married  him ! 

Ottily  (go  R  to  L  of  desk)— I  will.  I'll  be  the  first, 
then! 

Auntie  (follow) — You  don't  know  what  you're  under- 
taking. If  a  man's  a  thief,  it's  in  his  blood. 

Ottily — In  his  blood? 

Auntie — And  you'll  never  make  anything  else  of  him ! 

Ottily  (to  R  of  desk) — I'm  going  to  try,  anyway. 

Auntie — Oh,  Ottily. 

Ottily — It's  my  duty  as  his  wife  !  And  I'm  going  to  begin 
by  returning  these  jewels  to  Mrs.  Pembroke.  (Takes  hand 
bag  from  desk.  She  puts  jewel-case  in  hand  bag.) 

Auntie — Oh  Ottily,  think  of  the  humiliation — for  all  of 
us — for  Daphne ! 

Ottily  (R  of  desk) — I  must  think  of  my  husband  first. 

Auntie  (to  front  of  desk) — You'll  ruin  your  life  if  you 
persist  in  standing  by  this  gentlemanly  scoundrel ! 

Ottily  (to  door  R  I) — I'm  going  to  stand  by  him,  never- 
theless !  I  took  him  for  better  or  for  worse ! 

Auntie — You  got  it ! 

(Ottily  exits  into  boudoir  followed  by  Aunt.  As  Auntie 
and  Ottily  go  off  R  I,  Susie's  head  appears  at  top  of 
stairs.  She  sneaks  down,  comes  to  R  of  desk,  pauses, 
listening,  goes  to  grip,  looks  in,  picks  out  revolver, 
drops  it  frightened.) 

Susie — Oo  bullets !  (Circles  back  of  desk,  crosses  to  door 
up  L  C,  pauses,  hesitates,  comes  back  to  left  of  desk,  front 
of  chair,  takes  up  'phone!)  Hello?  .  .  .  Hello?  ...  I 
want  police  headquarters!  I  don't  know  the  number.  I 
thought  it  was  a  secret!  A  thousand  dollars  reward.  I 
ought  to  have  two  trunks.  If  I  could  go  home  with  two 

29 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

trunks!  .  .  .  Hello?  .  .  .  Yes.  ...  Is  this  police  head- 
quarters? .  .  .  Send  a  cop  up  to  Mrs.  Fleming's  apartment 
right  away.  7006  River.  7006  River.  I'm  not  sick,  that's 
the  number.  .  .  .  Send  a  cop  up  right  away,  we  got  a  thief 
in  the  house.  Oh,  no — he  won't  get  away.  He  lives  here ! 
(Hangs  up  receiver  and  turns  L.)  Good-bye!  (Voices 
off  R  I.  She  hides  behind  up  stage  end  of  sofa.  Ottily  and 
Aunt  re-enter  R  I.) 

Auntie  (entering  first  R  I) — You  can  trust  me.  If  I  say 
I'll  send  it,  I'll  send  it ! 

Ottily  (following  her  on  R  I.  Closes  grip  leaning  on  it, 
settle  below  desk) — There's  pen  and  ink  in  this  room! 

Auntie  (Xing  to  sofa  for  hand  bag  and  knitting.  Stop- 
ping short) — Why  not  telephone  to  Mrs.  Pembroke?  (X  to 
sofa.) 

Ottily  (X  to  L  of  desk,  sit,  placing  hand  bag  in  L  side 
of  seat  of  chair  with  strap  hanging  over  arm  of  chair) — I 
don't  want  to  risk  it — from  here ! 

Auntie  (Xing  to  R  back  of  desk  to  R  I  and  exits) — Of 
course  not !  With  those  servants  sticking  their  noses  into 
everything.  (Susie  registers.)  I'll  get  my  hat  while  you're 
writing  the  telegram.  (Ottily  sits  down  to  write.  Susie 
comes  out,  steals  jewels,  replaces  case  in  hand  bag,  places 
rubies  in  her  stocking,  leaves  hand  bag  on  floor  and  exits 
calmly  up  steps  just  as  Ottily  finishes  writing  wire.) 

Ottily  (writing) — Mrs.  John  Pembroke,  Boston,  Mass. 
If  you  will  come  to  this  address — ask  no  questions — your 
jewels  will  be  returned  to  you. — Mrs.  George  Howell. 

(Ned  enters  whistling.  Speaks  while  crossing  to  sofa, 
picks  up  vanity  case  from  sofa,  crosses  back,  sees  hand 
bag  on  floor  C,  hands  it  to  Ottily,  saying:) 

Ned — Is  this  yours?  Oh,  Ottily,  have  you  seen  Daphne's 
vanity  case.  She  says  she  left  it  here  some — oh !  This 
yours?  (Hands  her  hand  bag  Susie  left  on  floor.  Ottily 
registers,  exits  Ned  R  I.  He  finds  it,  exits  whistling. 
George  Howell  enters  L  C.)  (George  enters,  advances  to- 
ward Ottily  affectionately.  She  rises.) 

George  (C)  — Here  we  are — with  a  nice  smooth  chin 
that  won't  scratch  wifey's  cheeks ! 

Ottily  (R  C.  Avoiding  his  embrace,  drawing  back)  — 
George! 

George  (C) — Why,  what's  the  matter,  sweetheart?  Any- 
thing wrong? 

30 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ottily  (R  C) — You  know  there  is  something  wrong! 
You  know  it ! 

Howell  (C)— But  I  don't,  dearest.  What  is  it?  Tell  me! 
(He  attempts  to  embrace  her — she  draws  back  again.) 

Ottily  (R  C) — Why  did  you  lie  to  me? 

Howell  (C)— Lie?  .  .  .  Why— Ottily?  I  didn't  lie  to 
you. 

Ottily  (R  C) — You  told  me  you  went  to  Cleveland! 

George  (C)— Well?    I  did. 

Ottily  (R  C) — You  were  not  in  Cleveland! 

George  (C.  Disconcerted) — We-11,  no-o — not  all  the 
time !  Part  of  the  time.  I  was  coming  back ! 

Ottily  (R  C) — You  were  not  in  Cleveland  at  all!  You 
were  in  Boston! 

George  (C.     Gasping) — Ottily!    Who — ?  told  you? 

Ottily  (pressing  him) — No  one  told  me,  I  found  out  for 
myself.  What  were  you  doing  there? 

George  (C) — I've  told  you.     I  went  on — business. 

Ottily  (C) — Yes,  but  what  kind  of  business? 

George  (L  C) — I — I  can't  tell  you. 

Ottily  (C.  Miserably) — I  don't  wonder  you  are  ashamed 
of  it ! 

George  (L  C) — It  isn't  that.  I  promised  my — my  client 
not  to  tell  even  you. 

Ottily  (C) — Who  was  this  client,  then? 

George  (L  C) — I  can't  tell  you  that,  either.  Now,  listen, 
dear.  I  don't  know  what  you've  found  out — but  this  was 
a  business  trip — and  I  can't  have  you  bothering  your  head 
about  it ! 

Ottily  (C) — Don't  try  to  deceive  me  any  further!  I 
know  all  about  this  business  trip.  I  opened  your  grip  and 
I  know  what  you've  got  in  it. 

George  (L  to  R  of  desk) — Ottily!  You — opened  my 
grip  and  you  read — ? 

Ottily  (X  to  L  of  desk) — Yes,  the  name  and  the  address. 
Oh,  George,  how  could  you? 

George  (sit  R  of  desk) — But  they  don't  belong  to  me. 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — Of  course  they  don't.  You  stole 
them. 

George  (same) — Oh,  I  wouldn't  say  that!  I  just — well 
—I  just  compelled  her  to  give  them  up. 

Ottily  (sit  L  of  desk) — You  dared  to  force  yourself  into 
this  woman's  home !  Into  her  very  bedroom. 

31 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

George  (same) — I  didn't  go  beyond  the  parlor. 

Ottily  (same) — Don't  lie  to  me. 

George  (same) — Surely  you  don't  accuse  me  of — and 
the  day  after  our  wedding. 

Ottily  (same) — Oh,  it  isn't  that,  George,  it's  the  awful 
thought  that  you  are  a — I  can't  say  the  word. 

George  (same) — But  why  worry  like  this  about  such  a 
trifle? 

Ottily  (same) — A  trifle,  to  take  what  doesn't  belong  to 
you? 

George  (same) — She  had  no  more  right  to  them  than  I. 

Ottily  (same,  surprised) — George!  How  can  you  say 
that! 

George  (R  of  desk) — Ned  had  a  prior  claim. 

Ottily  (L  of  desk) — Ned!  So  he  prompted  you  to  steal 
them  for  him? 

George  (same) — Yes,  he  needed  them  before  he  could 
propose  to  Daphne. 

Ottily  (same) — And  you  speak  of  the  whole  affair  as 
though  it  were  nothing! 

George  (same) — That's  just  it,  it  was  a  business  proposi- 
tion, pure  and  simple. 

Ottily  (same) — Business! 

George  (same) — Any  lawyer  is  liable  to  have  a  case  of 
this  kind.  It's  part  of  their  regular  work. 

Ottily  (same) — His!     You  must  give  them  back. 

George  (same) — After  all  the  trouble  I  have  had  to  get 
them  ?  Nonsense. 

Ottily  (same) — What  are  you  going  to  do  with  them? 

George  (same) — Burn  them! 

Ottily  (same) — Burn  them!  Yet  that  might  be  better 
than  being  found  out. 

George  (DOOR  BELL.  Enter  Parks  down  steps,  X 
to  C) — Sure  that  will  end  the  whole  incident.  (Business. 
Knock  on  the  door.) 

Ottily  (frightened)— What's  that? 

Ho  well  (rise) — Someone  at  the  door.  I'll  see.  (Rise 
and  cross  to  L  C,  sees  Parks.)  Parks,  open  the  door. 

(Parks  starts  towards  door  L  C.) 

Ottily  (R  C  rise)— No,  don't. 

(Parks  turns  back.) 

Howell — Parks,  open  that  door  at  once. 

(Parks  starts  toward  door  L  C.) 

32 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Ottily — Don't  you  dare  open  that  door. 

(Parks  at  a  loss,  comes  down  to  head  of  sofa  L  C.) 

Ho  well  (starts  toward  door  L  C.) — Very  well,  I'll  open 
it  myself. 

Ottily  (stops  him) — No,  no,  it  may  be  the  detective! 

George  (C) — Detective? —     What  detective? — 

(Grabs  his  coat  from  sofa  and  pushes  him  toward  door 
RI.) 

Ottily — The  one  who  was  here  before — looking  for  you ! 
He's  come  back ! 

George — That's  funny.    I  wonder  if  she — 

Ottily — He'll  search  the  house !  Quick !  We  can  get  out 
the  back  way ! 

Howell — Get  out! 

Ottily — Escape — before  he  suspects  —  George — please — 
for  my  sake ! 

George — Ottily,  for  the  Lord's  sake,  what's  gotten  into 
you?  I  have  nothing  to  fear.  You  wait  and  see.  I'll  eat 
your  detective  alive. 

(Releases  himself  from  her  and  crosses  L  of  desk.  Parks 
crosses  above  desk  to  R  and  exits  R  I  after  Auntie.) 

Auntie  (enter  R  I) — What  is  it?    What's  happened? 

Ottily — The  detective  has  come  back.  We'll  send  the 
wire,  but  he  sha'n't  find  the  jewels. 

(She  exits  with  Auntie  and  Parks.  Howell  admits  King 
who  carries  grip  marked  G.  H.  King  passes  Howell 
and  comes  to  R  C.) 

Howell  (closes  door  and  comes  to  L  C) — Well,  who  are 
you? 

King  (go  down  L  C) — I  give  you  just  one  guess. 

Howell  (down  to  R  C) — Give  it  up.  I  never  saw-  you 
before  in  my  life ! 

King  (L  C) — NO? — Didn't  see  me  in  Boston  last  night 
at  the  Touraine  Hotel?  Did  you? 

Howell  (R  C)—  I  did  not! 

King  (L  C) — I  saw  you,  though — -you  had  a  queen  with 
you  that  happens  to  be  a  friend  of  mine,  Vera  Vernon. 

Howell  (R  C) — You  know  her? 

King — Who  doesn't  know  her?  The  way  you  were 
lapping  up  champagne  I  thought  you  were  a  wine  agent. 

Howell  (at  R  C.  Looking  around  uneasily) — So  she 
sent  you,  did  she? 

King  (going  to  sofa — put  grip  on  sofa) — No,  she  didn't 

33 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

send  me.  I  came  on  my  own  business.  I  just  mentioned 
her  to  let  you  know  I'm  on  to  you. 

Howell  (R  C) — Then  it  was  you  who  told  her — ? 

King  (L  C) — I  didn't  tell  her  nothin' — not  yet! 

Howell  (R  C) — What  do  you  mean,  not  yet? 

King  (L  C) — You  were  in  that  wreck. 

Howell  (R  C)— Wh-at  wreck? 

King  (L  C) — Hartford  and  New  Haven.  The  first 
wreck  they  had  to-day ! 

Howell  (R  C) — What  makes  you  think  /  was  in  it? 

King  (L  C) — Say,  don't  you  get  me  yet? 

Howell  (R  C)^-Your  face  does  look  familiar. 

King  (L  C) — It's  my  regular  face.  I've  worn  it  for 
years. 

Howell  (R  C) — You're  a  brave  man.    Who  are  you? 

King — We.  were  neighbors  last  night.  You  had  the  berth 
over  me  last  night — upper  seven ! 

Howell — That's  right.  Now  I  remember  you.  I  thought 
I  was  sleeping  over  a  garage.  You  were  the  fellow  who 
had  the  cut  out  open. 

King — Snore  ? 

Howell— Oh ! 

King — Pardon. 

Howell  (take  R  and  back) — But  what  the  deuce  do  you 
want  of  me? 

King — I've  got  to  slip  it  to  you.  You're  a  nervous  guy 
too,  ain't  you?  The  way  you  leapt  out  of  that  berth  and 
landed  into  your  shoes — you  ain't  a  fireman.  Belong  to 
the  fire  department? 

Howell   (disgustedly) — Fire  department! 

King — You  believe  in  the  old  adage  about  the  first  man 
up  bein'  the  best  man  dressed,  anyway,  and  you  ain't  par- 
ticular whose  GRIP  you  grab,  either ! 

Howell  (R  C) — What  the  devil  are  you  getting  at? 

King  (L  C) — I  want  to  catch  another  train  to-night,  and 
I  want  to  take  my  grip  with  me — my  own  grip,  see — NOT 
— the  one  you  traded  me ! 

Howell  (R  Q— Wha-at? 

King  (L  C) — You  ain't  going  to  deny  you  got  away  with 
mine,  are  you? 

Howell  (amazed)— I  took  YOUR  bag  instead  of  MINE? 

King — I'll  lose  my  voice  gabbing  to  you.      (Crosses  to 

34 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

sofa.)  There's  the  evidence.  (He  indicates  grip  which  he 
has  brought  in  with  him,  lifting  it  from  sofa.) 

Howell  (Xes  to  R  and  back  to  C,  gazing  from  one  to 
the  other) — Good  God!  (At  cue,  "There's  the  evidence" — 
Gazing  from  one  grip  to  the  other.)  So  that's  what  was 
the  matter  with  her.  (Goes  into  a  fit  of  laughing.)  Let 
me  in  on  the  laugh.  By  golly,  I  am  glad  you  found  me. 
(Laughs.)  If  you  hadn't  things  might  have  been  very 
embarrassing  for  me. 

King — And  VERY  embarrassing  for  me. 

Howell  (C,  still  laughing) — Say,  what  in  thunder  have 
you  got  in  that  grip,  anyhow? 

King — Nothing  much.  A  little  present  to  me  from  a  lady 
friend ! 

Howell— Oh  !    I  see ! 

King — I  guess  THIS  is  what  you  want.  Another  little 
present  from  a  lady  friend.  (Holds  out  letters  to  him, 
which  he  takes  from  pocket.) 

Howell — Ned's  letters!  Here,  give  them  to  me!  (Mak- 
ing a  grab  for  them.) 

King  (pushes  him  off) — Don't  be  rough,  now.  Show 
some  hospitality  to  a  guest. 

Howell  (C) — You  had  the  nerve  to  open  my  grip. 

King  (L  C) — I've  nerve  enough  to  open  a  bank.  Open- 
ing grips  means  nothing  in  my  life.  Had  to  trace  you, 
didn't  I?  I  had  something  in  my  grip  that  I  don't  want 
folks  to  know  about — but  you  had  something  in  your  grip 
that  you  don't  want  folks  to  know  about — so  things  look 
pretty  even  to  me.  We'll  swap ! 

Howell— Well,  I'll  be  damned ! 

King — Don't  swear!  I'll  have  to  wash  your  mouth  out 
with  soap.  You've  got  to  talk  fast  if  you  want  your  letters. 
Is  it  a  go? 

Howell — All  right. 

King  (Xes  to  sofa,  gets  grip,  comes  door  C.  Howell  Xes 
to  R,  gets  grip  from  settee  and  crosses  back  to  C.)  Come 
across.  Letters.  Grip!  Grip!  (Howell  places  his  by  F.  P. 
up  R  and  comes  back  to  R  C.  They  exchange  grips.  King 
kneels  down  and  starts  to  open  grip.)  I'll  take  your  word 
for  the  outside,  but  I'd  rather  have  mine  for  the  inside.  (A 
knock  sounds  at  door  L  C.  King  starts  up,  whispers.) 
What's  that? 

35 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Ho  well  (whispers,  at  R  C)  —  Someone  at  the  door. 
(Starts  to  door  as  far  as  C.) 

King  (up  to  door  L  C) — Wait!  (Advances  to  door  and 
calls.)  Who  is  it? 

Sergeant  (off  stage,  L  C) — The  police! 

King — The  bulls.  (Coming  down  C.)  Say,  you're  a 
slick  one,  ain't  you. 

Howell  (R  C) — What  the  devil  do  you  mean? 

King  (C) — So!  You  are  trying  to'  send  me  up.  I  ought 
to  take  a  wing  at  you  now.  (Draws  revolver.) 

Howell  (R  C) — Good  Heavens,  you're  a  thief. 

King  (C) — Who'd  you  think  I  was — Billie  Sunday?  Is 
there  any  way  out  besides  that  door?  (Goes  L  to  win- 
dows.) 

Howell  (R  C) — Three  stories  up. 

King  (L) — Three  stories  down.  (Looking  out  of  win- 
dow.) 

Howell  (R  C)— A  thief! 

King  (comes  to  C) — Yes,  but  you're  not  going  to  get  me 
so  easy  as  you  think. 

Howell  (R  C) — I  get  you?    I  don't  want  you. 

King  (L  C) — Who  sent  for  those  cops?  (Knock  on 
door,  L  C.) 

Howell — I  didn't. 

King — Now  listen,  you  try  to  double  cross  me  and  I'll 
take  you  with  me.  I'll  swear  we're  partners,  see? 

Howell — Good  Heavens!     (Frightened.) 

King — Now  remember,  I'm  a  friend  of  yours,  a  traveling 
man  from  Chicago.  Get  me? 

Howell — I  see ! 

King  (Xing  to  R  C)— There  was  a  thief,  but  he  has 
gone. 

Howell  (Xes  above  King  to  L  C) — Yes. 

(Knocks  on  door  L  C.  Parks  comes  down  stairs  and 
goes  to  door,  L  C.) 

King  (R  C) — Now,  you  squeel  on  me  and  we  will  go  up 
the  river  together. 

Howell — I'll  help  you. 

(King  to  R  of  desk  sits.  Howell  down  L  and  below 
sofa.  Parks  opens  door.  Police  on.  Sergeant  to 
R  C  L  of  desk,"  driving  Parks  before  him  to  extreme 
R.  Mooney  to  L  C  by  sofa.  Kearney  to  R  C  above 
desk.) 

36 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Sergeant  (coming  down  as  above) — Where  is  he!  Where 
is  he! 

Parks  (at  R,  frightened;  points  to  Howell  L) — I  pre- 
sume you  are  looking  for  him. 

Sergeant   (turns  to  Howell) — So  it's  you,  eh? 

Howell — What  the  deuce  to  you  mean?  (Starts  for 
Sergeant.  Stopped  by  Mooney.) 

Sergeant  (to  Parks) — Is  he  the  thief? 

Parks — As  to  that,  sir,  I  don't  know. 

(King  laughs.  Sergeant  turns  and  comes  close  to  desk 
L  of  it.  Mooney  crosses  to  above  Sergeant.  Kearney 
to  above  Mooney.  This  brings  them  into  a  line  diag- 
onally up  R  to  down  L.) 

Sergeant — That  will  do  you. 

King  (looking  at  them) — My  goodness,  it's  a  parade.  By 
jove,  it's  the  police.  Well,  boys,  what's  the  trouble?  What 
do  you  want? 

Sergeant — The  thief  ! 

Kearney — The  thief  ! 

Mooney — The  thief  ! 

King  (rubs  his  eye  and  pulls  hat  down) — I  know  1 
should  have  brought  the  umbrella ! 

Sergeant   (indicates  Howell) — Is  this  the  thief? 

King  (glances  at  Howell) — Why  no,  he's  a  friend  of 
mine.  He  owns  this  apartment ! 

Sergeant  (to  Parks) — Is  that  so? 

Parks — He  lives  here,  sir. 

Sergeant  (to  King) — Well,  some  one  telephoned  you  had 
a  thief  here. 

King — There  was — 

Howell — But  he  got  away. 

Sergeant  (to  King) — Did  he  get  anything? 

King — Xo,  I  don't  think  so.     (Looks  at  Howell.) 

Howell    (hesitates) — Not  a  thing. 

Sergeant   (to  King)— And  he  got  away? 

King — You  didn't  think  he  was  going  to  hang  around 
here  all  day  waiting  for  you  to  come  and  grab  him,  did  you  ? 

Sergeant  (to  Howell) — Who  is  this  man? 

Howell  (hesitating) — He  is  a  friend  of  mine,  a  traveling 
man. 

King — We're  in  business  together. 

Sergeant — In  business  together.  I'm  sorry  for  the  mis- 
take. 

37 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Howell — Don't  mention  it.  You  came  pretty  close  for  a 
policeman. 

Sergeant  (relaxing  a  little) — I'm  afraid  this  is  one  on  me. 

Howell — Well,  have  one  on  me.  (Police  delighted.) 
Parks,  have  Susie  bring  in  something  to  drink. 

King — Have  a  cigar. 

Sergeant — Thanks!  (They  all  take  cigars.  Mooney 
goes  to  up  L  C.  Kearney  up  R  C.) 

King — You'll  find  these  very  good.  George  and  I  always 
smoke  good  cigars.  Sorry  I  woke  you  boys  up  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  night. 

Sergeant — Oh,  that's  all  right. 

King  (takes  grip  from  settee,  Xes  to  C) — I  must  be  go- 
ing— I've  got  to  catch  a  train.  You'll  all  excuse  me,  won't 
you? 

(Sergeant  Xes  to  R  below  desk.  Susie  enters  with  tray 
full  of  glasses.  Sergeant  takes  one.  She  Xes  up  R  C 
to  Kearney,  who  takes  one.  She  then  Xes  to  King, 
who  is  C,  and  stands  R  of  him,  holding  tray  until  line 
Sioux  City.) 

Howell — Wait  and  have  a  drink. 

King — No,  I'll  miss  my  train. 

Sergeant  (Xing  to  R  of  desk  and  taking  glass  from 
Susie) — Which  way  are  you  going? 

King — West. 

Howell — West  ? 

King — Chicago,  Burlington,  Quincy,  Moline,  Rock  Island, 
Omaha,  Sioux  City. 

Susie  (R  of  King  drops  tray  and  throws  her  arms  around 
him) — Sweetheart ! 

CURTAIN. 

SECOND  CURTAIN — King  going  out  L  C,  Susie  trying  to 
follow,  Mooney  detaining  her. 


A     FULL     HOUSE 


ACT  II 

As  curtain  rises  How  ell  and  the  three  police  are  heard 
laughing  and  talking.  Howell  is  on  sofa,  Sergeant  down  R, 
Kearney  up  R  C,  and  Mooney  up  L  C.  The  officers  are 
smoking  the  cigars  given  them  in  Act  I. 

Sergeant — Well,  boys,  everything  seems  all  right  here. 
I  guess  we  better  be  going.  (They  all  start  toward  door 
L  C.  Sergeant  sees  Howell's  grip  on  floor  at  right  lower 
corner  of  desk.)  Here,  wait  a  minute.  (Men  pause.) 
Whose  grip  is  this? 

Howell  (rises) — It's  mine. 

Sergeant — Why,  isn't  your  name  Fleming? 

Howell — No,  my  name's  Howell. 

Sergeant — Then  these  initials  G.  H.  are  yours? 

Howell — Yes,  George  Howell. 

Sergeant — Didn't  you  say  Fleming  when  you  sent  in  that 
call  to  Police  Headquarters? 

Howell — I  didn't  send  any  such  call. 

(Mooney  puts  his  cigar  in  ash  tray  on  table  up  L,  R  of 
L  C  door.) 

Sergeant  (crossing  to  C) — You  didn't?  Five  minutes 
ago  you  admitted  that  there  was  a  thief  here. 

Howell  (X  from  L  C  to  Sergeant  C) — Yes,  there  was, 
but  he  got  away.  He  got  away  and  he  didn't  take  anything. 
Do  you  want  me  to  draw  a  picture  of  it? 

Sergeant  (C) — No,  I  don't.  I  want  the  facts  and  noth- 
ing but  the  facts.  Is  there  any  one  in  the  house  who  can 
identify  you  and  tell  me  you've  a  right  to  be  here? 

Howell  (goes  L) — That's  a  good  one.  You  come  in  here 
and  ask  me  if  I've  a  right  to  be  here. 

Sergeant — When  we  get  a  call  from  the  Fleming  apart- 
ment saying  there's  a  thief  there,  and  we  come  and  find 
NO  FLEMINGS  and  only  a  man  named  Hoivell — we've 
got  to  make  sure  everything's  on  the  level ! 

Howell  (annoyed) — Mrs.  Fleming's  servants  are  here. 
They  can  set  your  mind  at  rest. 

(Crosses  and  rings  bell  up  C  L  of  closet  door.  Sergeant 
puts  his  cigar  on  ash  tray  on  desk.) 

39 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Mooney  (up  L,  L  of  Howell.  Kearney  up  R  C) — What 
are  you  doing? 

Howell  (up  C) — I'm  sending  for  more  policemen. 

Sergeant  (C) — Any  one  could  let  us  in  and  say  "My 
name's  Howell." 

Howell  (comes  down  C) — I  suppose  if  I  had  said  my 
name  was  Fleming,  you'd  have  been  satisfied? 

Sergeant  (grinning,  Xes  to  R  C,  L  of  desk) — Sure! 

Howell  (Xes  to  L  C.  Parks  appears  at  door  R  I)  — 
Wonderful ! 

Sergeant  (turns  to  Parks) — Well! 

(Kearney  Xes  to  down  R,  puts  cigar  in  ash  tray  on 
mantlepiece.) 

Parks  (Xes  to  R  of  desk.  Undisturbed,  quietly) — Did 
you  ring,  sir? 

Howell  (down  L  at  sofa) — Parks,  kindly  tell  this  police 
force  my  name. 

Parks  (R.     Blankly)— Your  NAME,  sir? 

Howell  (L  C.  Impatiently) — Yes.  Can't  you  under- 
stand English  ?  That's  what  I  said — my  name ! 

Parks  (R.  Quietly) — Why,  Howell,  sir,  Mr.  George 
Howell. 

Howell  (L  C)— There! 

Sergeant  (R  C,  left  of  desk) — Who  are  you? 

Parks — Mrs.  Fleming's  butler,  sir. 

Sergeant — Mr.  Howell  rented  this  apartment  from  Mrs, 
Fleming  ? 

Parks — So  I  was  given  to  understand,  sir! 

Howell  (angry,  starts  toward  Parks) — What  the  deuce 
do  you  mean?  "So  I  was  given  to  understand,  sir." 

Mooney  (comes  down  L  C — grabs  Howell  as  he  reaches 
C) — Keep  moving!  Keep  moving! 

(Indicates  sofa.  Howell  crosses  to  sofa  and  sits.  Mooney 
strolls  up  C.) 

Sergeant  (L  of  desk.  To  Parks) — Aren't  you  sure  about 
it? 

Parks  (R  of  and  below  desk.  Kearney  down  R) — Well, 
sir,  that's  what  the  telegram  said. 

Sergeant — What  telegram  ? 

Parks — The  one  signed  Mrs.  Fleming,  sir.  It  said  that 
Mr.  and  Airs.  Howell  were  coming,  and  that  we  were  to 
treat  them  as  if  they  were  guests.  That  was  the  first  we 
heard  of  them,  sir. 

40 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Sergeant  (excitedly) — A  telegram,  eh?  That's  all  the 
word  you  had  from  Mrs.  Fleming? 

Parks — Yes,  sir. 

Howell  (rises  and  starts  to  C.  Mooney  stops  him  as  be- 
fore)— What  more  do  you  want? 

Sergeant  (turns  to  Howell) — Just  wait  a  minute.  ANY- 
ONE can  send  a  telegram ! 

Howell  (rises,  angrily) — What  the  devil  do  you  mean? 

Mooney — Sit  down!  Stand  up  !  Suit  yourself !  (Howell 
obeys. ) 

Sergeant — I  mean  that  you  can't  recognize  handwriting 
on  a  telegram.  (To  Parks.)  That's  true,  isn't  it? 

Parks — Yes,  sir;  I  never  thought  of  that! 

Howell   (on  sofa) — Marvelous! 

Sergeant  (to  Parks) — Then  you  didn't  answer  the  wire? 

Parks— Why— NO  sir. 

Howell  (jumps  up  and  crosses  to  Sergeant  C.  Mooney 
makes  a  dive  for  sofa  with  club.  Leaves  club  on  sofa)  — 
Look  here !  There's  no  thief  here,  and  I've  no  need  of 
police  interference ! 

Sergeant — I'll  be  the  judge  of  that! 

(Mooney  taps  Howell  on  shoulder.     Indicates  sofa.) 

Mooney — Over,  over,  over.  (Howell  Xes  to  sofa  and 
sits.) 

Sergeant  (sits  at  L  of  desk  with  note  book.  To  Parks) 
— Where  is  Mrs.  Fleming? 

Parks — In  Long  Island,  sir,  visiting  her  mother,  Mrs. 
Roland  B.  Willis. 

Sergeant — Where  in  Long  Island? 

Parks — Sanford  Avenue,  Flushing. 

Sergeant — Any  telephone  ? 

Parks — None,  sir. 

Sergeant — Mooney,  how  do  you  spell  none? 

Mooney  (up  C) — Nun — none,  sir.  (Howell  laughs. 
Mooney  comes  down  L  C  threatening  him.) 

Sergeant — Has  Mrs.  Fleming  ever  sublet  the  apartment 
before  ? 

Parks — No,  sir. 

Sergeant — Has  she  ever  SPOKEN  of  subletting  it? 

Parks — No,  sir,  never! 

Howell  (on  sofa) — She's  never  died  before,  either,  but 
she  probably  will  some  day. 

Money  (C)— Will  she? 

41 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Ho  well  (taps  forehead) — None!    None! 

Sergeant  (rises,  ignoring  Howell) — Now,  what  do  you 
know  about  this  telephone  message  to  police  headquarters 
awhile  ago? 

Parks  (R  of  desk) — Could  it  have  been  Mrs.  Fleming 
herself  who  'phoned? 

Sergeant  (L  of  desk) — We'll  get  in  touch  with  her  and 
find  out.  When  did  this  Mr.  Howell  .  .  .  first  turn  up 
here? 

Parks — A  week  ago,  sir. 

Sergeant — You  say  there  was  a  woman  with  him? 

Parks — Yes,  sir.     (All  listening.) 

Sergeant — Was  it — his  wife? 

Parks — I  presume  so,  sir. 

Howell  (Xes  to  Sergeant;  glaring  at  Parks) — You  pre- 
sume so !  Yes,  there  was  a  woman  with  me — my  wife  was 
with  me — what  the  devil  has  that  got  to  do  with  it? 

(Parks  picks  up  grip  and  goes  up  R,  puts  grip  on  floor 
and  is  going  up  steps.) 

Sergeant — Everything!  The  woman  in  the  case  usually 
makes  it  ten  times  worse.  (Howell  crosses  to  L.  To 
Parks.)  Come  here  you! 

(Mooney  and  Kearney  rush  up  and  grab  Parks,  drag 
him  down  C,  Mooney  L  of  him,  Kearney  R.  Up  to 
this  business  Kearney  has  held  position  at  R.  Police 
drag  Parks  down  struggling.  Parks  does  the  split 
twice  as  they  try  to  stand  him  on  his  feet.) 

Mooney — Here  you — pull  yourself  together!  Sergeant, 
he's  a  loose  character. 

Sergeant — Where  is  she  now? 

Parks  (quietly) — She  sneaked  out  of  the  back  way  about 
ten  minutes  ago,  sir. 

Howell  (rushing  for  him — angrily) — WHAT! 

Mooney  (stops  Howell) — Shut  up,  you! 

(Kearney  circles  back  of  desk  to  down  R.) 

Sergeant — Ah,  now  you  are  getting  at  it.  (To  Parks.) 
You  say  she  sneaked? 

Parks — She  didn't  even  stop  to  put  her  hat  on,  sir. 

Howell — (jumping  at  Parks — same  bus.  for  Mooney) — 
What's  that  you're  saying? 

Parks  (draws  away  a  little) — Only  the  Gospel  truth,  sir. 

Howell  (L  C) — You  come  over  here  and  say  that. 

Parks — It's  not  at  all  necessary,  sir. 

42 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

(Howell  starts  for  Parks,  who  retreats  R  to  Kearney, 
who  stops  him.  Mooney  feels  in  his  belt  for  club, 
which  he  has  left  on  sofa.) 

Mooney  (C) — Where's  my  club? 

(Howell  quickly  takes  club  from  sofa  and  hands  it  to 
Mooney.  This  all  comes  together.  Mooney  goes  up 
L  C  and  is  above  piano,  looks  out  window  and  comes 
down  L  of  piano.  Howell  is  below  piano.  Sergeant 
LC.) 

Sergeant  (L  C,  turns  to  Parks) — Did  Mrs.  Howell  take 
anything  with  her? 

Parks  (R  of  desk) — Yes,  sir,  a  small  hand  bag,  sir. 

Sergeant  (R  C) — Does  Mrs.  Fleming  leave  her  things 
here,  Parks.  Silver  and  dresses? 

Parks    (same) — Yes,  sir. 

Sergeant  (Xes  to  Howell  on  sofa) — So  that's  what  your 
woman  was  after.  Say,  what  have  you  been  trying  to  put 
over  on  me? 

Mooney  (L  of  piano) — Now  I  know  what  the  Desk 
Sergeant  meant  when  he  said  the  thief  LIVED  HERE ! 

Sergeant  (Xes  up  C) — Jim!    Search  the  flat. 

Mooney — Yes,  sir. 

Howell  (to  L  C,  R  of  sofa) — No  you  don't!  You  can't 
search  this  house  without  a  warrant.  I'm  a  lawyer  and  I 
happen  to  know. 

Sergeant  (turns  to  Mooney) — Oh,  he's  a  lawyer. 

Mooney  (L  of  piano) — Humor  him — humor  him! 

Howell  (rushing  to  telephone) — Yes,  I'm  a  lawyer.  I'll 
get  somebody  up  here  who  can  identify  me. 

Sergeant  (above  desk,  stop  Howell  up  R  C) — No  you 
don't.  You  can't  communicate  with  anybody.  So  you're 
a  lawyer,  eh?  Very  well,  then-,  we'll  get  a  search  warrant, 
Jim! 

Mooney — Yes,  sir.     (Crosses  above  piano  to  up  L  C.) 

Sergeant  (up  C) — I'm  going  back  to  headquarters.  You 
stay  here. 

Mooney  (up  L  C) — Yes,  sir. 

Sergeant  (indicates  R  I) — Kearney!     Go  out  there! 

Kearney — Yes,  sir.     (Exits  R  I.) 

Sergeant — Mooney !  See  where  that  window  leads. 
(Mooney  goes  out  on  balcony  L.  Howell  starts  for  door 
L  C.)  No  you  don't.  You  can't  play  that  game  on  me. 

43 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Mooney  (entering  from  window  L  C) — Three  stories  to 
the  ground. 

Sergeant — Good ! 

Kearney  (enters  R  I) — Back  stairs,  sir. 

Sergeant — Guard  them,  and  don't  let  anybody  get  away. 

Kearney — Yes,  sir.     (Exits  R  I.) 

Sergeant — Now,  Mooney,  you  stay  here  till  I  get  a  war- 
rant. Watch  that  hallway.  If  anyone  calls,  let  them  come 
in — we  may  get  some  accomplices ! 

Mooney — Yes,  sir. 

(Parks  is  still  down  R.) 

Sergeant  (up  R  C) — But  understand — don't  let  anybody 
get  out. 

Mooney — They  can  come  in,  but  they  can't  get  out. 

Howell  (to  Sergeant,  C) — Now  see  here,  you're  inter- 
fering with  my  personal  business. 

Sergeant — That  will  do,  "Mr.  Lawyer."  Mooney,  keep 
your  eye  on  him,  he's  the  biggest  crook  of  the  lot — and 
also  on  the  Sweed.  (Indicates  Parks.  Exits  L  C.  Mooney 
L  C — below  door.) 

Howell  (comes  down  toward  desk  L  of  it;  Parks  retreats 
up  stage  R  of  desk.  Furiously  to  Parks) — Now  see  what 
you've  done,  you  idiot?  What  do  you  mean  by  casting 
suspicion  upon  me?  (He  tries  to  catch  Parks,  who  evades 
him.) 

Parks  (up  R,  above  desk.  Now  up  R  C) — I  didn't  cast 
suspicion  upon  you,  sir.  The  circumstances.  .  .  . 

Howell  (circles  front  of  desk  to  R  of  it) — You  said  Mrs. 
Howell  SNEAKED  out  the  back  way ! 

Parks  (coming  down  to  L  of  desk  R  C) — I  may  have 
chosen  the  word  injudiciously,  sir,  but  Mrs.  Howell's  man- 
ner was  MOST  unusual. 

Howell  (R  of  desk)— You're  crazy.  Why  SHOULD 
she  sneak  out  the  back  way? 

Parks  (L  of  desk) — I  couldn't  say,  sir. 

Howell — I  don't  believe  she  DID!  (Parks  suddenly 
makes  a  dash  for  door  L  C.  Howell  follows,  crosses  stage 
to  door  L  C.)  I'll  soon  find  out  about  all  this.  I'll.  .  .  . 

(As  Parks  reaches  door,  Mooney  opens  it  and  enters. 
Parks  retreats  down  L  to  below  piano.) 

Mooney  (in  doorway  up  L  C) — You  can  come  in,  but 
you  can't  go  out ! 

44 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Howell  (up  C  front  of  closet) — You've  no  authority  to 
keep  me  here  by  force. 

Mooney  (L  of  Howell,  up  L.  C) — Oh  yes,  I  have.  My 
orders  are  to  let  nobody  out,  and  I'm  going  to  obey  orders. 

Howell  (up  C) — Well,  suppose  I  just  gave  you  a  little 
push  and  went  out,  eh  ? 

Mooney  (up  L  C) — Give  me  a  little  push,  eh?  Don't 
make  me  laugh!  If  you  tried  anything  like  that,  I'd  go 
and  get  a  healthy  cop  and  have  you  pinched ! 

Howell  (up  C) — But  I've  got  to  go  out,  I  tell  you.  This 
whole  thing  is  absurd.  I've  got  to  find  my  wife. 

Mooney  (up  L  C) — If  you  were  a  sane  man  you  would 
be  glad  that  you  lost  your  wife.  Very  sorry,  sir,  but  no- 
body gets  out  of  this  house  until  that  Sergeant  gets  back. 

Howell  (Xing  to  stair  R  C,  half  way  up) — All  right! 
All  right!  But  someone's  going  to  suffer  for  this.  (Going 
up  steps.)  From  now  on  I'm  with  the  Germans.  (Exits 
R  C.) 

(Parks  and  Mooney  look  at  each  other.) 

Parks — He  didn't.     He  meant  you. 

Mooney — I  heard  him.  He  said  you.  (Exits  L  C,  clos- 
ing door.) 

Parks  (comes  down  to  L  C) — No  he  didn't!     He  didn't! 

Susie  (puts  head  in  at  door  R  I) — Have  they  gone? 

Parks— Who? 

Susie — The  soldiers. 

Parks — Soldiers !  Crikie,  the  police.  Yes,  but  they  are 
surrounding  the  house.  (R  to  F  P  for  cigars.)  I  told  you 
these  people  were  blooming  bounders.  Now  it  turns  out 
they  are  a  set  of  thieves. 

Susie  (Xes  to  L  C  after  Parks  is  at  F  P  right.  Scratches 
one  leg  with  other  foot.)  Thieves? 

Parks  (Xes  to  desk  and  sits  L  of  it) — Certainly.  The 
police  sergeant  told  me  so;  that's  why  no  one  is  allowed  to 
leave  the  apartment.  A  jolly  nice  mess  we  are  in — all  of  us. 

Susie  (L  C) — Why  do  you  say  we — we  didn't  do  nothing. 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk) — But  how  do  they  know  that? 
That's  the  way  the  police  work.  They  suspect  EVERY- 
body  until  SOMEbody  proves  that  NObody  had  anything 
to  do  with  it. 

Susie  (leg  bus.  Parks  see  it) — Somebody — everybody — 
nobody — you  talk  like  a  crowd  on  the  corner. 

45 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk) — Well,  thank  Gawd,  my  con- 
science is  clean.  I  shan't  object  if  they  wish  to  search  me. 

Susie  (L  C.  Lifts  leg — Parks  sees  it) — What  do  you 
mean — search  ? 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk.  Lights  cigar) — Well,  usually, 
when  they  has  a  house  under  suspicion,  they  searches 
everybody  in  it  to  make  sure. 

Susie  (leg  bus.  Parks  sees  it) — Do  they  search  you  all 
over? 

Parks — They  most  certainly  does. 

Susie  (L  C) — Everywhere? 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk) — Yes,  everywhere.  But  what 
have  we  to  fear? 

Susie  (L  C.    Scratch) — Oh  my  Gawd,  I  am  sick! 

Parks  (rises,  Xes  to  C) — What  is  it — what  is  it? 

Susie  (Xes  back  to  Parks  L  C) — What  would  they  do 
if  they  found  you  HAD  something  they  didn't  expect? 

Parks — Arrest  you  for  receiving  stolen  plunder. 

Susie — But  suppose  you  were  going  to — to  try  and  get 
the  reward? 

Parks  (C) — You'd  have  a  very  hard  time  to  prove  it. 
Why  are  you  making  all  these  inquiries? 

Susie  (L  C) — Well,  I  thought,  maybe,  there  would  be  a 
chance  to  get  the  reward. 

Parks  (C) — Do  you  know  anything? 

Susie  (L  C)— Yes. 

Parks  (C)— What? 

Susie  (goes  to  below  sofa) — I  wish  to  Gawd  I  was  back 
in  Sioux  City.  (Leg  bus.) 

Parks  (imitating  her  leg  business) — What  are  you  doing 
that  all  the  time  for?  (Imitate  Susie.) 

Susie  (L  at  end  of  sofa) — Poisoned  ivory.  I  got  it  in 
Central  Park! 

Parks  (L  C,  goes  up  C  to  R  C)— Oh  rot,  bally  rot! 

(Ned  and  Daphne  enter.  Ned  up  to  C,  and  Daphne  R 
of  desk.) 

Ned  (crossing  to  C) — Parks,  where  is  everybody? 

Parks  (goes  up  C  circle  above  desk  off  R  I) — Gone 
out,  sir.  (Exits  R  I.) 

(Susie  is  awkwardly  lifting  one  foot  and  then  the  other.) 

Daphne  (R  of  desk) — That's  funny.    Can't  understand  it. 

Ned — What's  that,  Susie?    A  new  dance? 

Susie  (crosses  toward  R  C) — Yes,  sir,  that's  the  Ostrich 

46 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

trot.  Mr.  Ned,  do  you  remember  the  time  you  told  me 
about  the  man  that  had  the  scalped  ticket  to  Sioux  City? 

Ned  (to  L  C)  — Yes,  Susie. 

Susie  (at  R  C,  L  of  desk) — Well,  if  you  see  him,  will 
you  tell  him,  for  me — my  heart  just  bleeds  for  that  ticket. 

Daphne  (R  of  desk  working  up  stage) — Why,  Susie,  do 
you  wish  to  go  home  as  much  as  that? 

Susie  (R  C) — Yes'm.  I  want  to  go  so  bad  I'd  go  on 
the  Erie. 

Daphne  (up  R  of  desk) — Oh,  Ned,  if  she  really  wants 
to  go  that  bad,  you  get  her  a  ticket. 

Ned  (L  C) — Would  it  please  you  very  much? 

Daphne  (up  R) — Yes,  it  really  would. 

Ned  (Xes  to  her  R  C) — Then  Susie,  I'll  get  you  a  ticket 
as  soon  as  I  can  get  down  town. 

Susie  (starts  to  embrace  him.  To  him) — Oh,  you  beau- 
tiful creature.  (Goes  R.)  What  Heaven  to  be  married 
to  a  man  like  you  and  living  in  Sioux  City.  (Exits  R  I.) 

Daphne  (Xes  toward  up  C)— WELL  UPON  MY 
WORD ! 

Ned.  (Xes  to  C  to  Daphne,  Xes  to  C  left  of  desk) — Well, 
I  wouldn't!  (Embrace,  kissing  Daphne's  cheek.  Howell 
enters  down  steps  and  Xes  to  R  of  desk,  sits.) 

Howell — What's  all  this? 

Ned  (kissing  Daphne) — You  tell  him. 

Daphne — No,  you  tell  him. 

Ned — No,  I  can't — *you  tell  him. 

Daphne  (Xes  to  Howell  back  of  his  chair,  puts  her  arms 
around  his  neck) — Something  wonder ful's  happened — and 
I'm  so  happy,  I'm  so  gloriously  happy — it  HURTS!  (She 
kisses  the  top  of  his  head  and  runs  out  slamming  door 
R  I  E.) 

Howell  (seated  R  of  desk) — I  should  think  it  did.  What 
is  the  matter  with  her? 

Ned  (crossing  down  to  C) — I'm  the  matter  with  her. 
I've  proposed  to  her! 

Howell  (cross  below  desk  to  C) — Oh!  Good.  (He 
shakes  hands.)  You  didn't  lose  any  time! 

Ned  (L  C) — Man!  I  went  to  it  as  soon  as  I  knew  those 
letters  were  safe  in  your  hands.  I'd  have  done  it  before 
only  Vera  was  threatening  to  sue  me  for  breach  of  promise. 

Howell — Hmmm !  ( Produces  packet  of  letters  given  him 
by  King.)  And  here  they  are!  I  saved  them  so  that  you 

47 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

might  have  the  satisfaction  of  detroying  them  yourself. 
(Xes  to  L  C.) 

Ned  (Xes  to  front  of  desk,  sighing,  regarding  the 
packet) — My  God,  the  sleepless  nights  I  spent  over  these 
things ! 

Howell  (to  him) — Composing  them? 

Ned — No !  Wishing  I  had  'em  back.  Did  you  read  any 
of  them? 

Howell — Of  course  not !  What  the  deuce  do  you  think 
I  am? 

Ned  (sits  on  desk) — They  are  classics,  my  boy,  classics! 
I'm  not  much  on  speech — but  my  God,  I  certainly  can  write 
letters. 

Howell  (L  of  desk) — After  all  this,  you  better  forget 
how. 

Ned  (on  desk) — I'm  cured.  I  wouldn't  sign  my  name  to 
a  letter  to  my  mother.  And  now  I've  got  them.  George, 
old  boy,  you're  the  greatest  lawyer  in  the  world. 

Howell  (L  of  desk) — I  admit  it. 

(Ned  is  looking  through  packet,  unties  it,  the  envelopes- 
are  empty.  He  peels  them  off  one  by  one,  first  slowly, 
then  swiftly.) 

Ned — Hello — empty — the  envelopes  are  empty !  ( X  to 
R  of  desk.) 

Howell — What's  wrong.     (He  sits  up.) 

Ned— EMPTY! 

Howell— WHAT  ? 

Ned — I  tell  you  all  the  letters  have  been  taken  out  of 
the  envelopes. 

Howell — Impossible.     Let  ME  see. 

Ned — Why,  you  boob — she's  double  crossed  you ! 

Howell — No,  she  hasn't,  but  I  know  who  has.  Well,  I'll 
be  damned!  (Xes  to  L  at  sofa.) 

Ned  (R  of  desk)— You'll  be  damned?  No,  I'll  be 
damned!  (Turns  R,  circle  above  desk  and  comes  down  C 
to  L  C  to  Howell  at  sofa.)  Five  hundred  dollars  worth  of 
candy  and  flowers  and  taxi  cabs  gone  to  hell — and  she  still 
has  my  letters  !  (Coming  down  L  C.)  You  blooming  blun- 
derer! I'm  in  a  worse  fix  now  than  I  was  before — you 
addle-pated  ass — you  doddering  dub — you  angular,  ema- 
ciated ignorant  imbecile!  (Xes  to  C.) 

Howell  (front  of  sofa) — That'll  do  you! 

Ned — That'll    do    me!      I'm    done.      Daphne's    sure    to- 

48 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

announce  the  engagement  and  it'll  get  into  the  papers  and 
Vera'll  hear  of  it  and  start  suit  at  once.  And  Daphne'll 
throw  me  .  .  .  (Crosses  to  R  C.) 

Howell  (at  L  C) — Well,  if  you  hadn't  been  in  such  a 
hurry  to  propose — 

Ned  (at  L  C,  back  to  Howell  L  on  sofa,  slain  him  down) 
— And  you're  a  lawyer!  You  great  big,  chuckle-headed 
boob! 

Howell — Haven't  you  forgotten  something? 

Ned — Why,  I  wouldn't  have  proposed  to  Daphne  if  you 
hadn't  assured  me  you  had  the  letters.  I  should  have  known 
better  than  to  trust  you.  You  haven't  got  brains  enough 
to  fill  a  tablespoon.  (At  L  C.  Pushes  Howell  down  in 
sofa.) 

Howell  (on  sofa)— What? 

Ned  (to  L  of  desk,  sit) — I  take  that  back.  No.  I  mean  a 
teaspoon. 

Howell — After  all  the  trouble  I  took  to  get  them  back, 
YOU  turn  on  me  like  THIS ! 

Ned  (seated  L  of  desk) — What  do  you  want  me  to  do, 
KISS  you? 

Howell  (L  C) — No.  I've  had  trouble  enough  for  one 
day. 

Ned  (desperately.  Seated  L  of  desk) — There's  only  one 
way  out  that  I  can  see.  Settle  with  her. 

Howell  (down  L) — What  are  you  going  to  use  for 
money?  (Xes  to  R  C  to  Ned.)  You  better  settle  that  five 
hundred  with  me  first. 

Ned — I'll  raise  the  money  somehow.     Hush  money ! 

Howell  (Xes  to  Ned  at  sofa) — If  you  begin  paying  her 
hush  money,  you're  lost.  Now,  you  leave  the  whole  thing 
in  my  hands,  I'll  fix  you  up.  (Crosses  to  L  of  desk  by  end 
of  line  and  sits,  thumbs  in  vest  pockets,  legs  crossed.) 

Ned  (same  bus.) — Yes,  YOU'LL  fix  me  up.  (Xes  to 
Howell,  shakes  his  hand.)  Old  man,  you're  all  to  the  good 
as  a  friend,  and  I  appreciate  all  you've  done  to  me.  (Back 
to  sofa.)  But  as  a  fixer  you're  an  undertaker.  By  George! 

Howell— Well?     (Rise  at  R  C.) 

Ned  (crosses  below  piano,  up  L,  down  C,  circle  to  L  C, 
and  come  down  C) — I'll. be  giggered.  I've  got  it.  (Five 
times.)  It's  a  cinch!  (Five  times.}  It's  a  pipe!  (Five 
times.)  (Mooney  on  and  off,  meet.) 

Howell  (meets  Ned  after  circles  to  L  C,  comes  down  C 

49 


A     FULL    HO  USE 

with  him) — You're  a  nut — you're  a  nut.  Say,  you  poor 
nut,  what  are  you  doing?  (At  door  C.) 

Ned  (down  C  L  of  Howell) — I'll  get  Daphne  to  marry 
me  to-day. 

Howell   (C) — What  good  will  that  do? 

Ned  (L  C) — If  Daphne  and  I  are  married  before  Vera 
can  interfere,  Daphne  can't  throw  me  over,  don't  you  see? 

Howell  (C) — But  will  Daphne  marry  you  on  such  short 
notice  ? 

Ned  (L  C) — Sure  she  will.     Look  at  my  chest. 

Howell  (C) — I  hope  she  will.     Seems  pretty  quick. 

Ned  (L  C) — That's  the  way  I  work.  She'll  do  anything 
I  say! 

Howell — She'll  do  anything  you  say? 

Ned — And  Daphne's  got  a  LOT  of  common  sense. 

Howell — You  hate  yourself,  don't  you?  Go  to  it  then. 
(Slaps  Ned  on  back.) 

Ned  (briskly  to  R  I.  Pause) — You  bet  I  will.  (Cross- 
ing to  door  R  I.  Faint  voice  calls  off  R  I.)  Daphne.  Oh, 
DAPHNE ! 

Howell  (X  to  L  C) — Why  speak  so  harshly? 

Daphne  (off  stage  R) — Yes  .  .  .  coming  .  .  . 

Ned  (R,  to  Howell) — Now,  whatever  I  say,  you  say 
yes  to. 

Howell  (L  C)— All  right. 

Daphne  (enters  R  I,  Xes  to  Howell  C) — I've  just  been 
writing  my  most  intimate  friends  announcing  our  engage- 
ment. (She  has  handful  of  letters.  Ned  sinks  on  seat 
below  desk.)  Isn't  it  perfectly  wonderful?  (Xes  to 
Howell  L  C.) 

Howell  (C  L) — Of  course!  Congratulations!  Many 
happy  returns  of  the  day!  (Both  men  signal  behind 
Daphne's  back  as  she  turns  from  one  to  the  other  during 
pause.)  Daphne,  Ned  has  something  to  say  to  you! 

Daphne  (C) — What  now? 

Ned  (laughs.  R  of  desk.  Pause) — Something  has  hap- 
pened to  change  my  plans. 

Daphne  (C)— What  plans? 

Ned  (R.  Playing  for  time) — About  the  wedding — you 
know. 

Daphne  (C,  startled) — Why,  what  do  you  mean? 

Ned  (to  her  C,  circle  below  desk) — Daphne,  I  want  you 

50 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

to  agree  to  be  married  at  once — today — let's  elope — will 
you? 

Daphne  (C,  amazed)— ELOPE? 

Ned  (R  C) — Before — before  anyone  can  interfere. 

Daphne  (C) — Who  is  likely  to  interfere? 

Ned  (R  C,  at  a  loss) — No  one- 
Daphne  (turns  to  each.  In  pause) — Well? 

Ho  well  (L  C,  butting  in) — You  see,  I've  been  telling  Ned 
— being  engaged  is  like  looking  at  a  FULL  MEAL  with- 
out a  RESTAURANT  window. 

Ned  (R  C,  hopefully) — Yes,  and  I  don't  see  the  sense 
of  WAITING  till  the  whole  thing  is  cold. 

Daphne  (C) — Are  you  discussing  my  wedding  or  a  table 
d'hote  dinner? 

Howell  (L  C) — A  table  d'hote  wedding. 

Ned  (R  C) — No!  Your  wedding  of  course.  You  see 
it's  this  way,  Daphne,  we  know  our  own  minds,  don't  we? 
WE  don't  have  to  stall  around  to  find  out  whether  we  want 
to  get  married  or  not?  (Looks  at  Howell.)  Do  we? 

Howell    (L  C)— Yes! 

Ned  (R  C) — No.  (They  turn  Daphne  first  one  way  and 
then  the  other.) 

Howell  (LC)—  No! 

Ned  (R  C)— No. 

Daphne  (a  step  toward  him) — BUT,  Ned,  you  talked  so 
differently  a  few  moments  ago.  You  AGREED  with  me 
then  that  we  should  wait ! 

Ned  (R  C)— Ye-es,  but— 

Howell  (L  C) — He  hadn't  stopped  to  think  then. 

Ned  (R  C) — No,  I  hadn't  stopped  to  think! 

Howell  (L  C) — You  came  at  him  so  suddenly,  you  know. 

Ned  (R  C) — Yes,  you  took  an  unfair  advantage  of  me, 
Daphne ! 

Daphne  (C,  indignant)— WHAT  ! 

Ned  (R  C) — But  after  you  left — I  began  to  realize  how 
long  three  months  were  going  to  seem 

Howell — Almost  four  months. 

Ned — Without  you.     And  I  got  an  inspiration. 

Howell — Yes,  even  he  got  an  inspiration  !     (To  L  a  little.) 

Daphne — What  was  the  inspiration? 

Ned — You  tell  her. 

Howell  (comes  back  to  her) — I  was  telling  Ned,  why 
shouldn't  we  jump  into  a  taxi — slip  off  to  City  Hall,  get  a 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

license  and  be  married  by  an  Alderman — before  anyone 
suspects  our  secret. 

Ned — Wouldn't  that  be  romantic! 

Daphne  (stamps  foot) — No!  No!  I  don't  think  it  would 
be  romantic  at  all.  To  be  married  in  City  Hall  in  THIS 
dress — and  by  a  fat  Alderman.  Without  bridesmaids  or 
ushers  or  a  wedding  banquet  or  ANYTHING!  (Howell 
crosses  back  of  Daphne  to  R  C.  Ned  front  of  her.) 

Howell — But  what  good  are  a  lot  of  bridesmaids  and 
ushers  ? 

Daphne  (C,  turn  on  him) — Why  are  you  so  anxious  about 
it  ?  It  isn't  going  to  be  YOUR  wedding. 

Howell  (R  C) — I  should  hope  not! 

Ned  (now  L  C) — HE  didn't  have  a  big  wedding  and  he 
and  Ottily  are  happy  enough. 

Daphne  (C,  to  Ned) — I  won't  have  you  taking  HIM  for 
your  model.  He  went  away  and  left  my  sister  the  day  after 
the  wedding.  You  brute!  (Stamps  foot  at  Howell  R  C.) 

Howell — Brute?     (Goes  up  C.) 

Ned  (arms  around  her) — Yes,  brute — brute!  That  WAS 
very  wrong  of  him,  but  I'm  different. 

Howell  (at  steps) — What? 

Daphne  (C,  in  Ned's  arms) — Ned  wouldn't  do  such  a 
thing,  would  you,  dear? 

Ned  (C) — Certainly  not,  sweetheart!  (Waves  to  Howell 
behind  Daphne's  back.) 

Howell  (going  up  steps) — Go  on,  Ned.  You  can  make 
her  do  anything  she  wants  to,  when  she  wants  to.  (Exits 
up  steps.) 

Ned  (releases  her) — Daphne,  you  ought  to  be  glad  to 
get  it  over.  The  sooner  we  were  married,  the  better  you'd 
like  it. 

Daphne  (Xes  down  L) — I've  had  my  heart  set  on  a  big, 
showy  wedding  and  I've  practically  arranged  all  the  de- 
tails. (Goes  L.) 

Ned  (to  R  C,  turn)— DETAILS?  Suffering  Moses— I 
only  PROPOSED  an  hour  ago ! 

Daphne — But  don't  you  suppose  I  knew  you  were  GO- 
ING to— 

Ned  (goes  R  to  R  of  desk) — Then  why  didn't  you  help 
me  out? 

Daphne    (crossing  to  him   front  of  desk) — Oh,   Ned,   a 

52 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

girl  ought  to  have  her  own  way  about  her  wedding,  at  least 
— if  she  never  does  afterwards ! 

Ned  (R,  desperately) — But,  Daphne,  I  have  an  awful 
premonition  that  we'll  never  be  married  at  all  if  you  don't 
marry  me  at  once. 

Daphne  (R  C  front  of  desk) — Premonition?  (Drawing 
away  impatiently.)  You  don't  believe  in  such  things. 

Ned  (R  of  her) — I  never  did  believe  in  them  before, 
but  I'm  getting  older  and  more  superstitious. 

Daphne  (backing  to  C;  suspiciously) — Something  has 
been  happening  here.  What  was  it? 

Ned  (follows  to  R  C) — Nothing,  except  that  I  got  this 
strange  feeling. 

Daphne — Ned  Pembroke,  you  are  lying  to  me ! 

Ned  (indignantly.  Take  R,  X  back  to  her) — You  have 
no  right  to  make  such  an  accusation. 

Daphne  (C) — Why  should  we  be  married  in  haste — it's 
a  question  of  common  sense. 

Ned  (follows  her) — What  has  common  sense  to  do  with 
weddings  ? 

Daphne  (to  him  C) — Perhaps  you  proposed  to.  me  on  the 
impulse  of  the  moment? 

Ned  (at  C)— Perhaps  YOU'D  be  GLAD  to  be  released? 

Daphne  (at  C) — Not  at  all,  but  I'll  manage  to  live 
through  it  if  you  want  to  break  it  off. 

Ned — Of  course  I  don't  want  to  break  it  off.  You  evi- 
dently don't  care  whether  we're  married  next  week  or  next 
month  or  next  YEAR !  (Go  R.) 

Daphne  (follows  to  below  desk) — I  do.  .  .  . 

Ned — You  don't.  .  .  . 

Daphne — I  do ! 

Ned  (R)— You  don't. 

Daphne  (R  C)— I  do— I  do— I  do— I  do— I  do! 

Ned — All  right,  you  win,  by  that  much.  (Indicates  with 
arms.) 

Daphne  (front  of  desk  R  C,  Xes  to  L  of  desk) — You're 
keeping  something  from  me.  I  won't  be  kept  in  the  dark. 

Ned  (up  to  door  L  C,  get  hat) — Very  well,  you  shall 
have  your  own  way,  then,  since  you  insist,  but  if  we're  mar- 
ried at  all,  it'll  be  YOUR  fault.  (Grabs  hat  from  table 
by  door.) 

Daphne — Ned !  ( Starts  toward  him  as  he  starts  for 
door.) 

53 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ned  (turns  to  her.  She  appears  indifferent) — Don't  for- 
get that! 

Daphne  (same  bus.) — NED!  (Ned  opens  the  hall  door 
without  answering  and  is  stopped  by  the  policeman  who 
backs  him  to  above  C.  Daphne  sinks  in  chair  L  of  desk.) 
Police — so  that's  it ! 

Mooney — You  can  come  in  but  you  can't  go  out ! 

Ned  (backed  frightened  against  closet  door  up  C, 
Mooney  L  of  him)— WHAT!  WHAT!  What  the  devil 
do  you  mean? 

Mooney — Those  are  my  orders,  sir.  You  can't  leave  here 
until  the  sergeant  comes  with  the  warrant. 

Daphne  (up  to  him  and  brings  him  C) — Warrant?  NED 
PEMBROKE!  (Tragically.)  WHAT  HAVE  YOU 
DONE? 

Ned  (comes  down  C.  Mooney  down  L  C.  Daphne  down 
R  C) — N — nothing!  He  must  be  crazy!  Tell  her  your 
crazy ! 

Mooney  (down  L  C) — I'M  crazy! 

Daphne  (down  R  C) — Ned  Pembroke,  you  tell  me  the 
truth ! 

Ned — I  AM  telling  you  the  truth.  I  haven't  done  ANY- 
THING! Captain,  tell  her  I  haven't  done  anything. 

Mooney — We  have  no  proof  against  him — yet.  Of 
course  you  can't  tell,  he (Turns  L.) 

Daphne  (drawing  away) — You  have!  That's  why  you 
wanted  me  to  marry  you !  Marry  you  at  once,  eh  ? 

(She  turns  hastily  and  exits  through  doors  R  I,  passing 
Parks  who  is  coming  in.  He  turns  to  stare  after  her. 
Ned  having  altercation  with  Mooney,  who  shoves  Ned 
into  Parks  as  soon  as  Parks  turns  R  to  stare  after 
Daphne.  Ned  bumps  into  Parks.  'Phone  rings  until 
Parks  sits.) 

Ned — Confound  you  !  Get  out  of  the  way — answer  that ! 
(Swings  Parks  out  of  his  way  and  off  R  I.  Parks  spins 
round,  circling  below  desk  to  L  of  it,  and  lands  in  chair 
L  of  desk.) 

Mooney  (pushing  chair  under  him) — Safe  on  second! 
(Turns  up  stage.) 

Parks  (seated  L  of  desk.  In  'phone) — Are  you  there? 
I  say,  are  you  there? 

Mooney  (up  L  C,  turns  and  comes  down) — You  bet  I'M 
here. 

54 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Parks  (to  'phone) — Yes — yes,  madame.  Oh,  Mrs.  Flem- 
ing— I'm  glad  it's  you,  madam.  (Lowers  his  voice,  smoothes 
his  hair.) 

Mooney — You  think  you're  having  your  picture  taken. 

Parks — I  can't  tell  whether  these  people  are  spooring  me, 
or  whether  they  are  a  pack  of  thieves.  Yes,  madam,  very 
good,  madam.  Yes,  I  think  you  HAD  better  come  at  once. 
We  didn't  want  to  disturb  you,  madam.  Very  good,  madam. 
We  shall  expect  you.  (He  hands  up  receiver,  rises,  starts 
toward  door  L  C,  Mooney  stops  him.) 

Mooney  (C) — That's  the  way  out.     (Points  to  R  I.) 

Parks  (sarcastically,  putting  handkerchief  in  sleeve, 
crosses  down  to  R) — N-u-n-none!  Ha!  (Exits  R  I.) 

Mooney  (takes  handkerchief  out  of  hat,  sticks  it  in  his 
sleeve) — And  them  are  the  guys  that  rule  Hand! 

( Slight  noise  off  L  C ;  he  sneaks  up  to  left  door  L  C 
with  club  raised,  well  L  of  door.  OTTILY  opens 
door;  she  has  jewels  in  case  in  her  hand,  and  an  over- 
coat over  her  house  gown.  Mooney  gets  behind  door 
as  it  opens.  Ottily  and  Miss  Winnacker  enter,  creep- 
ing stealthily  in.  They  do  not  see  Jim  until  they  close 
the  door,  then  they  turn  and  confront  him;  both  scream 
and  attempt  to  go  out,  but  he  bars  the  way,  almost 
hitting  them  with  club.) 

Mooney — I  beg  your  pardon.  I  beg  your  pardon.  You 
can  come  in,  but  try  and  get  out !  Try  and  get  out !  ( Exits 
L  C,  closing  door.) 

Auntie  (having  crossed  to  front  of  desk) — Now  I  hope 
you  are  satisfied.  Here  we  are  back  again  exactly  as  we 
were  before,  and  this  time  we  CAN'T  get  out. 

Ottily  (C.  Clutching  hand  bag) — Well  at  least  we  got 
the  wire  off ! 

Auntie  (down  R) — Ottily,  if  you  persist  in  shielding  this 
self-confessed  and  barefaced  scoundrel,  I  wash  my  hands 
of  the  whole  affair.  (Exits  R  I,  slams  door.) 

Ho  well  (comes  down  steps) — Ottily!  In  Heaven's  name 
where  have  you  been?  Xes  to  C,  R  of  Ottily,  L  of  desk.) 
Parks  said  he  saw  you  SNEAKING  out  the  rear  way.  .  .  . 

Ottily  (C) — It  was  the  only  way  I  could  get  out  unseen. 
The  detective  was  there  at  the  door.  .  .  . 

Howell  (to  her  C) — That  wasn't  a  detective.  .  .  . 

Ottily  (C,  L  of  him) — Don't  try  to  lie  to  me.     I'm  going 

55 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

to  do  everything  in  my  power  to  help  you,  but — you  MUST 
tell  me  the  truth.  Why  did  you  do  this  dreadful  thing?  \ 

Howell  (L  C)— What  dreadful  thing? 

Ottily  (R  C) — Steal  Mrs.  Pembroke's  jewels? 

Howell — Steal  Mrs.  Pembroke's  jewels?  I?  Why, 
Ottily,  you're  crazy  !  I  didn't  steal  Mrs.  Pembroke's  jewels  ! 

Ottily  (holding  up  handbag) — Don't  deny  it.  I  took  them 
out  of  your  OWN  bag.  Now  will  you  try  to  deny  it  ? 

Howell  (utterly  astounded,  gasping) — Good  Lord!  What 
is  it? 

Ottily — The  things  you  stole!  I'm  going  to  return  them 
to  Mrs.  Pembroke  and  confess  everything.  I've  wired  to 
her  already. 

Howell  (R  C.  Has  been  thinking  hard) — You  opened 
that  grip — and  took  the  Pembroke  jewels  OUT?  And  you 
still  have  them? 

Ottily  (L  C)— Yes. 

Howell  (R  C) — And  you  didn't  put  them  back? 

Ottily — No !  ( Howell  throws  back  his  head  and  shouts 
with  laughter.  Ottily  is  startled,  troubled,  crosses  R  below 
desk,  then  up  R  back  and  R  of  it.)  What  is  it?  What's 
the  matter? 

Howell  (still  laughing,  up  and  down  R) — You've  double- 
chrossed  him !  You've  double-crossed  him,  just  as  he 
double-crossed  me ! 

Ottily  (comes  to  R  C,  L  of  desk) — I  don't  understand! 

Howell — But  you  will  in  a  minute.  Let  me  see  them. 
(Circles  below  desk  to  her  R  C.  She  retreats  to  L  C.  He 
holds  out  his  hand.) 

Ottily — Promise  me  first  you  will  let  me  return  these  to 
Mrs.  Pembroke. 

Howell — Of  course  I  promise.  (She  reluctantly  takes 
case  out  of  hand  bag,  hands  him  the  case.  He  snatches  it. 
She  turns  her  head  away,  with  a  sigh.  He  opens  case,  finds 
it  empty.  L  of  desk.)  Why,  it's  empty! 

Ottily  (turns  to  him)— WHAT! 

Howell — There  are  no  jewels  here ! 

Ottily  (turns  swiftly  and  sees  empty  case.  Rushes  to 
him,  backs  him  against  desk,  searching  him) — George! 
Give  them  to  me!  You  mustn't  do  that!  (At  cue.) 

Howell  (R  C,  feels  in  his  pocket) — Good  Lord,  you  don't 
think  I  lifted  them,  do  you? 

Ottily    (starts   to   cry) — Oh,   dear!      Auntie   was    right! 

56 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

She  says  you  just  can't  help  it.  It's  in  your  blood!  It's  in 
your  blood ! 

Howell  (Xes  to  L) — Says  it's  in  my  blood!  I  can't  help 
it !  I  can't  help  it !  I  can't  help  it !  Ha  !  ha  ! 

Ottily  (follows  to  L  C.  Threatening — he  means  it)  — 
But  you  must,  dear.  You  must  try.  Give  them  back  to  me. 
Please  give  them  back. 

Howell  (comes  to  her  L  C) — I  tell  you  they  weren't  in 
the  box.  Search  me  ! 

Ottily  (starts  to  search  him,  turns  away  to  C) — No,  I 
wouldn't  insult  you  by  distrusting  you ! 

Howell — Yes,  how  could  you  have  thought  I  was  a  thief ! 

Ottily  (turns  to  him) — But  you  did  take  them  in  the  first 
place ! 

Howell  (L  C)— No!    It  was  the  other  thief! 

Ottily  (C)— The  other  thief? 

Howell  (L  C) — Can't  you  understand?  The  grip  you 
opened  wasn't  my  grip.  I  had  gotten  it  by  mistake.  • 

Ottily  (C) — Yes,  I  remember!  The  man  said  he  had 
yours. 

Howell  (L  C)— Of  course. 

Ottily  (embracing  him,  C) — And  you're  not  a  thief  !  Oh, 
my  darling !  How  could  I  have  mistrusted  you  !  I'll  never 
doubt  you  again.  Never!  Now  that  I  know  you  are  inno- 
cent I  am  perfectly  happy.  Everything  is  all  right ! 

Howell  (C) — No,  sweetheart. 

Ottily  (suddenly  remembers;  releases  him) — Good 
Heavens ! 

Howell  (C) — What's  the  matter  now? 

Ottily — I've  wired  Mrs.  Pembroke  to  come  for  her  jewels. 
I  told  her  the  necklace  was  here. 

Howell— Well  ? 

Ottily — And  now  it's  gone !  How  can  we  explain  !  How 
can  we  explain? 

Howell  (Xes  to  R  C)— Wait!  Wait!  Let  me  think. 
When  did  you  last  see  the  necklace? 

Ottily  (to  R  C) — It  was  there  when  I  put  the  case  in  my 
bag,  and  I  haven't  let  it  out  of  my  hand  since.  No  one  even 
knew  I  had  them — except  Auntie. 

Howell  (R  C,  goes  R)— Oh,  I  don't  THINK  SHE'D 
take  them. 

Ottily  (goes  L  to  sofa) — George! 

57 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Howell  (comes  to  C) — Are  you  sure  you  didn't  lay  them 
down— for  an  instant— ANYWHERE? 

Ottily  (to  C,  thinking) — Oh!  (L  C.)  I  just  remem- 
bered. I  did  lay  it  down  for  a  moment — in  here. 

Howell  (C) — Who  else  was  in  the  room? 

Ottily  (L  C) — Ned!  He  came  in  and  got  Daphne's 
vanity  case.  He  was  whistling.  There  was  something 
strange  about  that  whistle. 

Howell  (C) — But  .  .  .  he  wouldn't  have  taken  them.  He 
didn't  even  know  you  HAD  them. 

Ottily  (L  C) — He  said  this  morning  in  my  hearing  that 
he  could  USE  $30,000. 

Howell  (C) — Do  you  know  anyone  who  couldn't  use 
$30,000? 

Ottily  (L  C) — Well,  I  think  it's  worth  while  question- 
ing him. 

Howell  (C,  to  her) — I  can't  ask  Ned  if  he  stole  his  moth- 
er's jewels  from  your  handbag,  can  I? 

Ottily — Of  course  not.  But  couldn't  you  just  sort  of  get 
around  the  subject.  For  pity's  sake,  dear,  you're  a  lawyer. 

Howell  (Xes  to  door  R  I) — Yes,  I'm  a  lawyer.  I'm  a 
fine  young  lawyer.  (Dubiously.)  Mmm — well,  I'll  see 
what  I  can  do.  (He  starts  toward  door.) 

Ottily  (staring  after  him.  Howell  goes  to  door  C  plac- 
ing case  on  table,  calls  off  R  I.  Ottily  to  L  of  desk)  — 
Ned — oh,  Ned!  Come  here  a  moment.  (Xes  to  C.) 

(Ned  enters,  looking  gloomy  and  depressed,  comes  to 
below  desk,  brigtening  as  he  sees  Howell.  Daphne 
comes  on  R  I  to  R  of  desk,  stands.  Ned  sits  on  seat 
below  desk.) 

Ned — Oh,  I'm  still  here — no  danger  of  my  getting  away 
with  both  the  front  and  back  doors  guarded  like  Sing  Sing. 
If  you  can  tell  me  the  reason  for  that — 

Howell  (L  C,  comes  to  L  of  desk) — We're  going  to  tell 
you  the  reason. 

Ottily  (R  C) — That's  why  we  sent  for  you. 

Howell  (above  desk.  Rather  blankly) — Mmm — yes — 
it's  all  a  mistake — you  see,  I— 

Ottily  (R  C) — Let  ME  explain,  dear.  (She  approaches 
Ned,  who  is  puzzled.)  A  dreadful  thing  has  happened.  A 
client  gave  George  a  package  to  take  care  of,  without 
telling  him  what  was  in  it.  And  I  opened  it  by  mistake, 
and  what  do  you  think  I  found? 

58 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Ned  (on  seat)— The  Flatiron  Building. 
Ottily — Your  mother's  rubies. 

Ned — Wh-at?  (Daphne  R,  unnoticed,  stands  listening.) 
Ottily  (L  of  desk) — I  put  them  into  my  handbag  and 
telegraphed  at  once  to  your  mother  to  come  for  them.  But, 
in  the  meantime,  I  laid  my  handbag  down  for  a  moment — 
in  this  room — and  when  I  opened  it  again — the  rubies  were 
gone! 

Ned — Now  you  see  them  and  now  you  don't ! 
Ottily — The  police  seem  to  think  we've  had  something 
to  do  with  STEALING  them — and  we're  ALL  going  to 
be  SEARCHED. 

Howell — Yes.    The  sergeant  has  gone  now  for  a  warrant, 

Ned   (not  realizing  that  they  suspect  him) — Well,  what 

do  you  want  me  to  do?     (He  looks  from  one  to  the  other.) 

Howell    (L    C) — I    thought — you    might    have    seen   the 

handbag  lying  open  and  might  have  recognized  the  jewels 

• — I  thought  possibly  you  knew  something  about  them — 

Ottily — We  thought  you  had  taken  them.     (Daphne  utters 
a  piercing  scream  and  faints.) 

Daphne — That's  what  you've  done. 
Ned  (on  seat  below  desk) — Daphne!     (Turning.) 
Daphne — So   that's   what  you've   done.      Ned's   a   thief ! 
(He  runs  to  her  as  does  Howell.     Daphne  faints  in  Ned's 
arms.) 

Howell  (Xing  to  Daphne) — Parks — here — Parks! 
(When  Daphne  faints  Ned  catches  her  across  his  L  arm, 
he  being  L  of  her.  Parks  enters  R  I,  supports  her  on 
his  R  arm,  being  R  of  her.  Howell  replaces  Ned,  who 
comes  front  of  Daphne,  who  hangs  across  men's  arms 
head  down  stage.  Howell  and  Parks  each  put  an  arm 
below  Daphne's  knees,  lifting  her  to  a  horizontal  posi- 
tion between  them.  They  carry  her  to  below  desk  to 
C,  her  head  toward  R,  her  feet  toward  L,  Ned  fol- 
lows protesting  his  innocence  to  Daphne.  Daphne  oc- 
casionally screams.  When  Parks  and  Howell  reach  C 
they  turn  completely  round  with  Daphne  so  that  Ned 
has  to  duck  to  escape  being  hit  in  the  head  by  her  feet 
as  they  swing  to  R.  Parks  and  Howell  now  carry 
Daphne  upstage  and  off  upsteps,  rocking  her  so  that 
first  her  feet  and  then  her  head  are  in  the  air.  Ned 
still  protesting  follows  as  they  take  her  up  stage  feet 
first.  Aunt  and  Ottily  follow  Ned.  The  Aunt  comes 

59 


on  R  I  after  Parks.    When  Daphne  is  carried  to  C  she 

crosses  upstage  R  to  R  of  steps,  Ottily  up  L  of  steps. 

During  the  above  business — at  Susie  is  at  extreme  R. 

On  the  line  "water  quick"  Susie  begins  rushing  back 

and  forth  between  desk  and  door  R  I.     She  keeps  this 

up  until  Daphne  and  others  are  nearly  off.     She  then 

goes  to  desk   R  of   it,   grabs   glass,   takes  up  pitcher, 

pours   water   into   glass   and   starts   towards    steps   up 

R  C.    Mooney,  who  has  come  on  L  C  as  crowd  reaches 

steps  and  has  rushed  R  and  L  once  or  twice,  is  now 

at  L  of  steps.    He  sees  Susie.) 

Auntie  (excitedly) — What's  happened? 

Ottily  (bending  over  Daphne  from  one  side  while  Ned  is 

at  other  side) — Daphne!     She's  fainted.     Water!     Quick! 

Take    her    up    stairs    to    bed!       (They    all    exit    carrying 

Daphne.) 

Ned  (following  Daphne) — Daphne,  I'm  not  a  thief!  Be- 
lieve me,  Daphne,  I'm  not  a  thief ! 

Daphne  (moaning  hysterically) — A  thief — Ned's  a  thief! 
Auntie    (rushing   above    up    R) — Where's    my    smelling 
salts  ?     Susie,  bring  some  water !     Oh,  this  terrible  day — 
why  didn't  I  stay  in  Yonkers? 

Mooney — What  the  hell  is  going  on  now? 
Susie  (to  him  foot  of  steps) — You  got  it  right. 
Mooney — What  ? 

Susie — Hell — and  I  am  trying  to  put  it  out  with  a  glass 
of  water. 

Mooney  (grabs  her  hand) — Water — gimme  a  drink  of  it 
—I  am  as  dry  as  dust.  (Takes  glass  in  right  hand.) 

Ned — Where's  that  water?  (Rushes  down  stairs.  Grabs 
water  just  as  Jim  is  about  to  drink — rushes  up.)  You 
jibbering  idiot ! 

Mooney-7— you  young  .  .  .  (Drawing  club  and  starting  up 
steps  after  Ned,  hits  at  him  and  strikes  steps.     Exit  Ned 
up  steps.     Susie  drags  Mooney  down  C  by  coat  tails.) 
Mooney  (C) — I  hit  him  once!     I  hit  him  once! 
Susie — Wait — I'll  get  you  something  better. 
Mooney  (down  C) — Will  you  now? 

Susie  (down  C) — Do  I  look  like  a  girl  that  made  many 
promises?  Sure  I  will — I'll  get  you  a  sandwich  and  a 
glass  of — er — warm  milk. 

Mooney — Hot  milk — oh  !  Say,  you  are  immense.  When 
this  battle  is  over,  I'll  come  around  and  SEE  you. 

60 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Susie — All  right.  Come  on  in  the  kitchen.  (Starts  R  C 
with  him  arm  in  arm.) 

Mooney  (stops) — Don't  tempt  me  !  Don't  tempt  me !  Get 
thee  behind  me,  Satinees.  I'm  only  fooling.  Wait.  (Up 
to  door  L  C.)  Kearney,  are  you  awake. 

Kearney  (off  L) — Sure — 

Mooney — Watch  the  door  a  minute.  I'm  going  to  be 
busy. 

Kearney  (off  L) — All  right. 

Susie  (with  whiskey  flask) — Did  you  fix  it? 

Mooney — Sure,  I'd  go  to  the  end  of  the  world  for  you, 
(They  X  to  R  L) 

Susie — I  just  love  firemen.     (They  exit  R  I.) 

(King  puts  his  head  in  door  L  C  and  sneaks  on.) 

Mooney — (off  R  as  King  gets  to  C) — Suppose  you  let 
me  have  a  drink? 

(King  rushes  to  door  L  C  and  is  met  by  Kearney.) 

Kearney — You  can  come  in,  but  you  can't  go  out. 

(King  slams  door  and  ducks  into  closet  up  C.  Mooney 
and  Susie  enter  R  I.  Susie  has  half  a  jag.  She  car- 
ries a  flask  half  full  of  whiskey.  Mooney  has  an  empty 
water  glass.  They  come  to  R  C.) 

Mooney  (as  they  cross) — I  haven't  had  so  much  fun  since 
my  last  birthday. 

Susie  (R  of  him) — If  you  had  a  thousand  dollars  would 
you  go  to  Sioux  City? 

Mooney — If  I  had  a  thousand  dollars  I'd  move  Sioux 
City  here. 

Susie — Have  a  little  Green  River. 

Mooney — Sure!  Put  it  here.  (Holds  out  glass.)  I  like 
the  color.  (Susie  pours  about  a  teaspoonful  of  the  whiskey 
into  his  glass.) 

Mooney  (looking  into  the  glass) — I'm  not  robbing  your 
am  I? 

Susie  (laughs  stupidly) — No.  There's  plenty  more  in 
the  Green  river.  (Mooney  laughs  and  drinks,  and  puts  his 
glass  on  desk;  shines  his  badge.)  I  just  love  uniforms. 

Mooney  (pleased) — Do  you  now? 

Susie — Yes.     My  brother  wears  a  uniform. 

Mooney — Policeman  ? 

Susie — No.     He  washes  elephants  in  the  Zoo! 

Mooney  (staggers) — That  whiskey's  gone  to  my  head. 
Well,  I  got  to  be  going.  (Susie  to  him.)  Goodbye,  darlin', 

61 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

(Gives  her  a  rough  hug.)  Excuse  me  !  Excuse  me  !  When 
I'm  in  love  I'm  rough.  (Exit  L  C  door.) 

Susie  (to  up  L  C,  turns  and  crosses  to  C) — Ain't  he 
nervous  for  a  motorman !  (She  begins  drinking  from  flask, 
wandering  aimlessly  about  up  C  to  R  C,  puts  flask  on  desk, 
takes  it  up  again,  ad  lib.,  until  whiskey  is  all  gone.  She 
then  puts  flask  on  upstage  end  of  desk  and  begins  dusting 
in  a  senseless  way  various  articles,  finally  knocking  'phone 
over.  She-  picks  it  up  and  begins  dusting  it  by  wiping  it 
on  her  dress.  Puts  receiver  to  her  ear.  In  'phone:)  No, 
I  didn't  call.  I  was  just  dusting  the  'phone.  (Has  difficulty 
getting  receiver  back  on  hook,  then  turns  and  sees  King  who 
has  come  from  closet  when  she  put  flask  down  last  time. 
He  places  his  grip  down  L  C  by  sofa.  She  must  make  a 
definite  sound  when  she  puts  flask  down  last  time,  as  it  is 
King's  cue  to  come  out  of  closet.  King  has  been  standing 
C  watching  her  during  'phone  and  book-dusting  business. 
When  Susie  turns  and  sees  him  after  'phone  business  she 
strikes  an  attitude.  Staring  at  King.)  What  a  crowd! 

(King  grabs  her,  putting  his  left  hand  over  her  mouth. 
He  drags  her  down  L  C.) 

King — Do  you  know  who  I  am?  I  say,  do  you  know 
who  I  am?  (Shakes  her.)  Why  don't  you  answer?  I 
say,  do  you  know  who  I  am? 

(Susie  makes  deaf  and  dumb  signs.    King  releases  her.) 

Susie  (C) — You  needn't  tell  me  unless  you  want  to. 

King  (L  C) — Shut  up.  I'm  a  "fly  bull" — don't  bat  an 
eye.  I  am  a  "regular,"  not  a  "square-toed  harness  bull" 
like  the  "flaties"  that  got  the  dump  covered.  I  am  a  "Pink" 
— got  me  ?  Plain  clothes  Pink  ! 

Susie  (C) — I'm  so  fond  of  flowers.    Gee!    I  like  you. 

King  (LC)— Do  you? 

Susie  (C)— You  are  the  first  fellow  I  ever  met  that 
spoke  Russian.  (Touching  his  red  necktie.)  I  thought 
you'd  cut  your  throat. 

King  (up  C  and  back) — What  did  you  kiss  me  for  a 
while  ago? 

Susie — You  said  you  were  going  to  Sioux  City. 

King — You  like  Sioux  City? 

Susie — Love  it. 

King — Lemme  look  at  you.  (Pushes  her  away.)  Yes, 
YOU  would.  Well,  now,  you  stand  a  good  chance  of  get- 

62 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

ting  enough  coin  to  go  right  back  to  Sioux  City,  if  you  will 
answer  a  few  questions.  (Goes  L.)  • 

Susie — Anything  I  know. 

King  (back  to  her) — What  are  the  cops  sticking  around 
here  for? 

Susie — Watching. 

King  (goes  L) — Watching  for  what? 

Susie — Thieves  and  jewelry. 

King  (back  to  C)— Oh!    Where's  Ho  well? 

Susie — In  there,  I  think. 

King  (cross  R) — Has  he  been  out  since  the  cops  came? 

Susie — No,  he  ain't;  but  his  wife  has. 

King  (R  of  desk) — What — she's  gone?     How  long? 

Susie — 'Bout  half  an  hour. 

King — Hmm — tell  Howell  I  want  to  see  him.  (Sees 
jewel  case  on  desk  and  grabs  it.)  Wait!  Never  mind,  it's 
all  off!  (Crosses  to  grip  L  C  by  sofa.) 

Susie — Yes,  sir. 

(Retreats  up  to  R  C,  L  of  desk.  King  starts  to  put  case 
in  grip,  stoops,  opens  it  and  throws  it  in  grip.) 

(King,  L  C,  crosses  to  Susie  R  C,  grabs  her  by  the  neck, 
with  his  left  hand  throwing  her  in  front  and  to  L  of 
him.) 

Susie  (staggering  down  L  C) — Another  rough  Romeo! 

King  (to  her  L  C,  fiercely) — How  long  have  you  been 
working  for  this  bunch? 

Susie — About  a  week. 

King — They  were  strangers  to  you,  huh? 

Susie  (L  C)— Yeh— why? 

King  (C) — You  look  like  a  good  wise  kid — YES  YOU 
DO! 

Susie  (L  C)— What? 

King — I  say,  you  look  like  a  girl  that  was  nobody's  fool. 
God  forgive  me  lying.  You  are  from  Sioux  City,  you  say? 

Susie   (tries  to  embrace  him) — Oh,  yes — yes — yes — 

King  (throwing  her  off,  crosses  above  desk  to  R  I)  — 
Well,  once  was  enough.  Lay  off,  I  am  going  to  put  you 
"hep"  to  something.  You  are  in  here  with  a  bunch  of 
"yeggs." 

Susie — Am  I? 

King  (X  front  of  desk  to  Susie  C) — You  sure  are. 

Susie  (C)— Eggs. 

King— Eggs— no,  yeggs  ! 

63 


Susie  (C) — What  are  yeggs? 

King — Thieves — second-story  workers — you  poor  simp  ! 

Susie — A  simp? 

King — Say,  have  you  got  a  bun  on  ?  Either  that,  or  you 
have  inhaled  a  snow  storm.  Now  stand  still.  I'm  going  to 
tell  you  something  and  I  don't  want  you  to  miss  any  of  it. 
Which  is  your  good  ear  ?  YOUR  GOOD  EAR  ?  Say,  are 
you  conscious  ?  Now  listen,  you  are  in  here  and  you  are  in 
awful  bad.  Every  good  mob  of  guns  like  this  always  has 
a  "goat."  Do  you  know  what  a  "goat"  is?  Don't  answer, 
I'm  afraid  you'll  say  "no."  You  are  going  to  be  IT  for 
this  bunch.  You  see,  they're  framing  to  grab  a  rattler  and 
leave  you  flat  on  the  lot  with  the  peanut  bags,  see?  The 
joint  is  sloughed  and  everybody  does  a  get-away  but  you. 
Now,  as  I  told  you,  I'm  a  detective.  I  am  looking  for  some 
stuff  that  this  Howell  gink  glooms  over  in  Boston — a  hand- 
ful of  red  rocks. 

Susie  (C) — Boston — the  Pembroke  emeralds!  (Melo- 
dramatically.) 

King  (go  to  back  up  C,  listening  and  back) — Rubies,  you 
flat  skull !  You  don't  mean  emeralds — you  mean  rubies. 

Susie — Do  I  ? 

King — I  think  you  do.  I  don't  know.  But  how  did  you 
find  this  out? 

Susie — I  read  it  in  the  paper — there's  $1,000  reward. 

King — Old  stuff — old  stuff!  That's  a  trick  to  get  hold 
of  the  thief.  Why,  if  you  had  those  rocks  in  your  hand 
and  was  on  your  way  to  give  them  in  for  the  reward,  they'd 
hold  you  as  an  accomplice  and  slam  you  in  the  coop ! 

Susie — Slam  me  in  the  COOP! 

King — Sure!  So  the  thing  for  you  to  do —  Are  you 
asleep?  IF  YOU  KNOW  ANYTHING.  Of  course, 
after  giving  you  a  good  look  that's  a  big  supposition  on 
my  part.  But  if  you  do,  or  if  you  learn  anything,  slip  your 
news  to  me  and  help  me  out,  and  I'll  use  my  influence  to 
see  that  you  don't  get  mixed  up  in  this.  Just  for  working 
for  these  people  you  could  get  ten  years.  Stick  to  me  and 
I'll  see  that  you  only  get  five.  What  do  you  know? 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothin'. 

King — Well,  that's  fine — just  admit  it — don't  boast  about 
it. 

Auntie  (off  stage) — There's  some  in  my  bag.     I'll  get  it. 

64 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

King  (rushes  Susie  up  C) — Just  stand  there;  don't  move 
and  don't  breathe,  and  remember  you  don't  know  nothing. 

(Grabs  bag,  puts  it  behind  upstage  end  of  sofa.  King 
goes  behind  window  curtains.  Daphne  crying  off  R  C.) 

Auntie  (comes  on,  crosses  on  downstep,  reaches  on  man- 
tel for  smelling  salts.  To  Susie) — Did  you  see  my  smelling 
salts  ? 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothing.  (Staring  at  the  place  King 
is  threatening  her  from  window.) 

Auntie  (looking  on  desk) — I'm  sure  I  left  it  here  some- 
where. A  small  handbag.  I  had  a  bottle  of  Spirits  of 
Ammonia  in  it.  Are  you  sure  you  haven't  seen  it? 

Susie  (at  up  end  of  sofa) — I  don't  know  nothing. 

Auntie — What  are  you  doing  there,  you  stupid  girl? 
Don't  you  KNOW  your  place  is  in  the  kitchen?  (Absent- 
mindedly  picks  up  whiskey  flask  from  desk  near  her  hand- 
bag, upstage  end.) 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothing. 

Auntie  (stops  suddenly,  looking  L,  she  looks  from  Susie 
to  the  curtains  and  sees  them  move,  approaches  Susie  and 
seizes  her  by  the  arm,  whispers) — Who's  behind  that  cur- 
tain? 

Susie- — I  don't  know  nothing. 

Auntie — The  detective!  (Rushes  upstairs  and  off,  shout- 
ing. )  George— Ottily — help ! 

(King  grabs  up  grip,  goes  into  closet,  threatens  Susie 
with  gun.  Susie  is  upstage  in  front  of  closet  about 
two  feet  downstage  of  it.  When  King  threatens  her, 
she  bends  quickly  as  though  she  expected  to  be  shot 
in  the  middle  of  the  back.) 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothing. 

King — Remember — I  can  shoot  through  the  door. 

(Exits  into  cupboard  taking  grip.  Voices  heard  off,  then 
George,  Ottily,  Ned  and  Auntie  appear  on  stair.) 

Howell  (crossing  toward  L) — Where  is  he? 

Auntie  (still  carrying  bottle,  comes  to  L  of  desk,  sits) — 
On  the  balcony — on  the  balcony! 

(Howell  crosses,  looks  out  on  balcony.) 

Howell  (at  window,  as  he  and  Ned  hold  back  curtains 
and  look  out) — There's  nobody  here!  (Drops  down  to 
L  C.) 

Auntie  (sits  L  of  desk) — Good  heavens — he  must  have 
jumped ! 

65 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Ottily  (R  of  desk) — Surely  not.  We're  three  stories 
from  the  ground.  He'd  have  been  killed ! 

Auntie  (seated  L  of  desk) — Open  the  window  and  look 
out !  Perhaps  he's  lying  mangled  underneath  ! 

Ned  (to  window,  looks  out) — Nothing  to  be  seen. 
(Comes  to  C.) 

Howell  (L  C,  catches  sight  of  bottle  in  Auntie's  hand)  — 
What's  this? 

All— WHISKEY! 

Ottily  (R  of  desk)— AUNTIE! 

Ned — And  the  last  time  I  saw  it,  it  was  full ! 

Auntie  (startled,  confused,  rises) — I  thought  it  was 
Spirits  of  Ammonia. 

Howell — No  wonder  you  were  seeing  things. 

Auntie — What  do  you  mean — how  dare  you  ! 

DOOR  BELL. 

(Bell  rings — Susie  does  not  move.) 

Howell  — •  The  sergeant  at  last  —  now  we'll  see.  Susie, 
answer  the  door. 

BELL. 

Ottily  and  Auntie  (together) — SUSIE! 

(Susie  remains  motionless.  Howell  goes  to  unlock  door 
as  someone  pounds  on  it.) 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothin'. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (outside) — I  say  I  will  go  into  my  apart- 
ment. 

Mooney — You  can't  go  in. 

Mrs.  Fleming — I  will  go  in. 

Mooney — She's  in  ! 

(Howell  throws  open  the  door,  Mrs.  Fleming  enters,  a 
tall,  muscular,  red  -  haired  woman.  Howell  comes 
down  L.) 

Howell  and  Ottily — Mrs.  Fleming! 

(They  seem  about  to  welcome  her  pleasantly.  She  freezes 
them  with  an  angry  glance.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (X  to  C) — HERE'S  a  pretty  state  of 
things !  Policemen  at  my  door !  A  man  on  the  balcony ! 
The  whole  apartment  house  saying  my  flat  is  raided.  How 
dare  you  take  advantage  of  me  in  this  manner?  What  is 
the  meaning  of  it? 

Howell  (L  C) — It's  all  a  mistake! 

Mrs.  Fleming — It  WAS  a  mistake  to  sublet  my  apart- 

66 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

ment !  But  just  because  you  looked  all  right,  I  took  you 
in  without  a  reference.  I  ought  to  have  known  better. 

Ottily — How  dare  you  ! 

Mrs.  Fleming — But  I'll  have  satisfaction!  You  can't 
take  ME  in  this  way  and  turn  my  apartment  into  a  rendez- 
vous for  THIEVES  AND  CUT  THROATS ! 

Auntie  (R  C,  L  of  desk.  Suddenly  facing  her  and 
bristling) — Be  careful,  woman! 

Mrs.  Fleming — Who  are  you?  I  don't  know  you.  (Up 
C  a  little,  to  Susie.)  Who  is  this  person? 

Susie — You  don't  know  nothin'.  I  mean,  I  don't  know 
nothin'. 

Howell  (to  C)—  I'll  tell  you. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (comes  to  C) — Don't  interrupt  me.  I 
don't  know  you.  (Down  C  to  Auntie.)  What  are  YOU 
doing  here? 

Auntie  (crosses  to  her  C) — Behaving  like  a  lady  which 
is  more  than  can  be  said  of  you. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (beside  herself  with  rage) — Am  I  to  be 
insulted  in  my  own  house?  Get  out!  All  of  you!  This 
instant !  Do  you  hear — I'll  give  you  ten  minutes  to  pack 
your  things.  (Cross  to  L  of  desk.  Howell  L  C.  Aunt 
circles  above  desk  and  comes  down  to  R  of  desk.)  If  you're 
not  out  in  ten  minutes,  I'll  have  you  THROWN  out.  Do 
you  understand!  (At  desk  facing  Howell  L  C,  she  bangs 
her  parasol  on  floor.) 

Howell  (X  to  C) — You  can't  eject  us  this  way.  We've 
paid  for  the  use  of  THIS  apartment. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R  C) — I'll  give  you  back  your  money,  but 
you'll  have  to  get  out. 

Howell — Oh,  no,  we'll  not;  but  you  will.  This  apart- 
ment is  mine  now  and  you  are  trespassing! 

Mrs.  Fleming — Trespassing?  I'll  see  about  that!  I'll 
go  down  and  get  the  superintendent  to  put  you  out  at  once. 

(Mrs.  Fleming  goes  to  door  L  C,  throws  door  open.) 

Mooney  (steps  in,  hand  on  doorknob) — Oh,  no,  you 
don't!  (He  bars  the  way.) 

Mrs.  Fleming — You  can't  stop  me.  Do  you  know  who 
I  am? 

Mooney — No;  and  I  don't  CARE  who  you  are.  My 
orders  are  to  let  no  one  out  of  this  apartment,  and  I'm  going 
to  obey  my  orders. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (swings  a  little,  so  as  not  to  cover  Mooney) 

67 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

—But  I'm  the  owner  of  this  apartment!    I'm  Mrs.  Fleming! 

Mooney — I'm  Officer  Mooney  ! 

(Salutes.  Backs  out  and  .closes  the  door  behind  him. 
Mrs.  Fleming  crosses  down  to  below  chair  L  of  desk, 
parasol  to  desk,  takes  up  'phone.  Howell  L  C,  Ottily 
up  R  C,  Aunt  R  of  desk,  Ned  down  R.) 

Ottily  (crossing  and  going  upsteps) — Come,  let's  go.  I 
shouldn't  think  of  staying  here  under  the  circumstances. 

Howell    (following) — Just  leave  this  to  me,  dear. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (at  'phone) — Hello!  Send  up  the  superin- 
tendent and  all  the  hall  boys.  I  want  to  have  this  bunch 
of  hoodlums  ejected  from  my  apartment! 

All  (Ottily  and  Howell  going  upsteps  and  off — at  lib) — 
Hoodlums  !  The  idea  !  An  outrage  ! 

(Auntie  and  Ned  moving  toward  R  I  and  off.  Susie 
remains  front  of  closet  up  C.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (left  of  desk,  at  'phone) — Hello — get 
me  O'Brien  and  Bloomberg — lawyers — on  Rector  Street. 
O'Brien  and  Bloomberg — lawyers — I  don't  know  the  num- 
ber. I  haven't  time  to  look  it  up — that's  what  you're  being 
paid  for.  (King  reaches  out  of  closet  and  draws  Susie  in, 
closing  closet  door.  King  comes  out  of  closet,  locks  it  and 
comes  C.  Mrs.  Fleming  at  'phone.)  Hello — did  you  see 
my  lawyers  Mr.  O'Brien  and  Bloomberg?  You're  sure? 
Well,  call  me  when  you  get  them.  I  ...  Susie!  (Turns, 
sees  King  standing  at  C,  screams  and  rushes  to  R  I.) 

King — Nix  on  the  siren  ! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (extreme  R) — You're  another! 

King— Eh  ? 

Mrs.  Fleming — The  house  is  full  of  them ! 

King  (to  R  C,  draws  gun) — Wait!  Don't  move  or  don't 
yell!  ('PHONE.  Telephone  bell  rings  —  Mrs.  Fleming 
starts  for  it.)  No,  you  don't.  I'll  answer  it!  (Takes  up 
receiver,  holding  telephone  and  gun.  Mrs.  Fleming  tries 
to  escape  R  I.  King  covers  her.)  Come  here!  (Into 
'phone.)  No,  not  you;  you  can't  get  here!  Hello — who — 
no,  Mrs.  Howell  is  out!  I  say  she's  out  —  shopping  at 
Woolworth's.  Who  is  THIS  talking?  Mrs.  John  Pem- 
broke, i  of  Boston !  Why,  how  do  you  do !  You're  the 
owner  of  the  stolen  necklace  \  Yes,  yes,  I  know  you  are ! 
Yes — I'm  sure  they  are  here.  You  say  you  have  the 
reward  with  you?  Thanks,  I'll  be  looking  for  you.  Good- 
bye !  (Hangs  up  and  goes  to  C.) 

68 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Mrs.  Fleming  (at  R) — So,  you  are  a  detective! 

King  (C) — You  said  a  mouthful! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (crossing  to  him) — Oh!  I  really  want  to 
apologize ! 

King — Apologize  ? 

Mrs.  Fleming  (C,  R  of  King) — I  thought  you  were  one 
of  the  thieves ! 

King  (C) — Oh,  Madame,  how  could  you! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (shakes  hands) — Oh,  I'm  so  glad  you've 
come!  Do  you  really  think  the  Pembroke  jewels  are  here? 

King — I  know  they're  here,  ma'am.  I  know  they  are 
here. 

Mrs.  Fleming — I'll  do  everything  in  my  power  to  help 
you ! 

King— Thanks.     Who  are  YOU? 

Mrs.  Fleming — I  own  this  apartment! 

King — I'll  have  my  trunk  sent  up.  Pardon  the  levity! 
Disguises,  you  know ! 

Mrs.  Fleming — To  think  I  should  have  deliberately 
handed  the  place  over  to  a  thief ! 

King  (C) — Yes,  it  is  a  bit  of  a  joke,  Madame!  (Laughs.) 
But  don't  tell  anybody  that  you  met  me  here !  I  wish  to  re- 
main incognito.  That's  a  good  word. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (to  R  C) — Oh,  no!    We'll  work  together! 

King — Fine  !     We  will  do  well ! 

Mrs.  Fleming — And  the  reward — do  I  get — ? 

King — You'll  get  everything  that's  coming  to  you ! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (crossing  R) — Oh,  thank  you.  I'll  ques- 
tion my  maid. 

King — Oh,  you  mean  that  anemaemic  canary? 

Mrs.  Fleming — What? 

King — She's  the  first  person  I  ever  saw  walk  around  after 
they  were  dead. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R) — That  sounds  like  her.    Where  is  she? 

King  (C) — In  the  kitchen. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R  to  door  R  I) — Perhaps  she  knows  some- 
thing ! 

King — No ;  she  don't  know  nothing. 

Mrs.  Fleming — What? 

King — I've  heard  her  admit  it. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (going  to  R  I) — Perhaps  she'll  tell  me  what 
she  wouldn't  tell  you ! 

King — Perhaps!     If  she's  still  conscious! 

69 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Mrs.  Fleming — Conscious? 

King — The  last  time  I  saw  her  she  was  struggling  with 
a  syncopated  souse ! 

Mrs.  Fleming — Intoxicated? 

King— Pifflicated ! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (shaking  umbrella) — I  know  what  will 
sober  her!  Susie!  Susie!  (Exit  R  I.) 

Susie   (in  closet) — I  don't  know  nothing! 

King  (runs  to  door;  opens  it,  lets  Susie  out) — Get  out 
of  here. 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothing.     (Crosses  quickly  to  R  I.) 

King  (to  door  L  C,  locks  it) — Correct.  Keep  it  up! 
(Susie  runs  to  door  R  I  as  Howell  comes  down  the  stairs.) 

Howell — Susie,  where  are  you  going? 

Susie — I  don't  know  nothing.  (Exit  R  I.  Howell  to 
L  C.  King  to  C.  They  meet  C.) 

Howell— You  again,  eh? 

King — Yes,  me  again!  Thought  you'd  got  rid  of  me, 
didn't  you?  Thought  you'd  put  one  over  on  me  in  great 
shape — but  you  went  wrong  in  your  calculations  there,  my 
friend ! 

Howell  (C) — You've  got  a  nerve  coming  here  after 
double-crossing  me  the  way  you  did. 

King  (C) — Not  so  loud.  (Comes  closer  with  gun.) 
What  we've  got  to  say  to  each  other  don't  need  to  reach 
no  one  else's  ears — see  ! 

Howell  (R  C) — I  have  nothing  to  say  to  you  after  the 
trick  you  played  me  about  those  letters. 

King — Well,  I'VE  got  something  to  say  to  YOU,  and 
about  those  letters,  I  beat  you  to  it — the  same  as  I'm  going 
to  beat  you  to  it  every  time  I  run  across  you. 

Howell — What  do  you  want  now? 

King — My  swag — the  stuff  I  copped  out  in  Boston  and 
you  lifted  from  my  grip. 

Howell — I  didn't  even  open  your  grip. 

King — Say,  I'm  THROUGH  foolin'  with  you.  Turn 
it  over  and  be  quick  about  it. 

Howell — How  about  those  letters? 

King — I'm  not  bargaining  now — I'm  dictating  terms. 
(Thrusting  his  face  forward.)  You've  got  a  lot  of  nerve, 
trying  to  steal  from  a  first  class  crook !  I  took  a  chance  to 
get  that  swag.  I  broke  into  an  unguarded  house  and 
snatched  it  from  a  helpless  old  lady.  (Howell  to  below  and 

70 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

R  of  desk.)  You  wouldn't  run  up  against  a  risk  like  that, 
no ;  nor  no  other  lawyer.  ( Howell  starts  for  'phone.  King 
stops — 'PHONE — him  with  gun.)  Stand  where  you  are! 
(Crosses  to  'phone  L  of  desk.)  O'Brien  and  Bloomberg, 
lawyers?  No,  I  don't  want  a  lawyer,  I've  got  one!  (Rings 
off  and  back  to  C.)  I'll  give  you  till  I  count  three  to  hand 
it  over. 

Howell  (go  up  R  to  R  C  above  desk) — Joke!  You 
wouldn't  dare  fire  that  thing  in  here ! 

King  (up  C) — Oh,  you  think  I  wouldn't,  eh? 

Howell  (up  R  C) — You  wouldn't  have  a  chance  on  earth 
to  get  away. 

King  (up  C) — I've  got  out  of  tighter  corners  than  this 
one. 

Howell  (up  R  C) — But  you'll  take  one  chance  too  many 
some  day. 

King  (up  C) — Not  to-day.  But  if  it's  coming  to  me,  I'M 
not  going  to  squeal.  I'm  just  going  to  take  a  good  crack 
at  you  before  the  bulls  get  me !  See !  One — 

Howell — I  don't  know  where  the  jewels  are. 

King — You're  a  liar.     Your  chances  are  going.    Two! 

Howell — I'll  tell  you  where  they  are! 

King— Well  ? 

Howell — They  are  in  that  closet. 

King  (takes  position  near  closet,  L  of  it) — If  they  are 
in  the  closet,  you  go  in  and  get  them.  (Howell  R  of  closet, 
hesitates.)  Come  on ! 

(Howell  goes  slowly  into  closet.  King  close  to  closet 
and  left  of  it,  covering  Howell  with  gun  in  extended 
right  hand.  When  Howell  is  in  the  closet  doorway, 
just  as  Howell  gets  into  closet,  Susie  comes  on  R  I 
and  down  R.) 

Susie — Oh,  Mr.  King!  (King's  attention  is  taken  off 
Howell,  and  as  he  waves  Susie  away,  Howell  grabs  his 
wrist  and  pulls  him  toward  closet.  King  grabs  the  open 
door  with  his  left  arm.  The  door  bangs  shut,  pinning 
King's  right  arm.  King  struggles  to  get  free.  Susie  looks 
at  him.)  My  God!  He's  got  a  fit!  I'll  get  him  some 
Green  River!  (Rushes  off  R  I,  closing  door.  Howell 
comes  out  of  closet  with  King's  gun  in  his  hand.  Comes 
to  R  C.  King  up  L  C  rubbing  his  arm.) 

Howell — You  are  a  fine  little  crook,  you  are !     Get  inp 
that  closet ! 

71 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

King — I'm  a  fine  little  onion  !  (Going  into  closet.)  Shoot, 
you  can't  miss.  (Howell  slams  closet  door  and  locks  it, 
leaving  key  in  the  lock.  Rushes  toward  stair  calling:) 

Howell — Ned!   Auntie!   Ottily!   Everybody!   I've  caught 
the  thief!     (He  is  met  on  the  stair  by  Ned  and  Auntie — at 
the  word  "thief"  Auntie  has  hysteria.) 
Auntie — Thief!     Oh  save  me — save  me! 
(She  is  helped  upstage  and  off  by  Howell  and  Ned.    Ex- 
citement  kept   going  until   they   are   well   off.      Susie 
rushes  on  R  I,  she  has  on  coat  and  hat.     She  passes 
front  of  desk  and  makes  for  door  L  C  on  a  run.     Just 
as  she  reaches  C,  King  knocks  on  closet  door  calling.) 
King — Susie  !     Susie !     Open  the  door ! 
Susie    (pause) — I    don't   know   nothing.      (Continues   to 
door  L  C  ami  is  met  by  Mooney.) 

Mooney — You  can  come  in  but  you  can't  go  out !  (Closes 
door  in  her  face  and  off.) 

King  (in  closet) — Susie!     Susie!    Unlock  the  door! 
Susie — All  right. 

(She  unlocks  door.  King  jumps  out  and  throws  Susie 
in ;  locks  door  and  ducks  under  piano.  During  this 
excited  voices  heard  off  upstairs.  As  King  goes  under 
piano,  Howell,  Ned,  Ottily,  Auntie  and  Daphne  rush 
downstairs.  Howell  first,  Ned  second,  Ottily  third, 
Daphne  fourth  and  Auntie  last.  Mrs.  Fleming  comes 
on  R  I.  Parks  on  R  I.  Parks  ahead  of  others,  crosses 
up  R  and  across  to  up  L  C  at  end  of  sofa.  He  crosses 
in  front  of  Ned  just  as  Ned  reaches  foot  of  steps. 
Mooney  rushes  on  L  C  just  as  Howell  reaches  R  C. 
As  they  come  on,  everyone  is  talking  excitedly  ad  lib. 
Howell  R  C,  Mooney  L  C,  Parks  up  L  C  above  end  of 
sofa.  Mrs.  Fleming  up  R  C,  Ottily  above  desk,  Ned 
down  R,  Auntie  R  of  desk,  Daphne  between  Ned  and 
Auntie.) 

Howell  (rushing  down  steps,  as  above) — Help — police — 
police.  I've  caught  the  thief  ! 

Mooney  (rushing  out  C  to  down  L  C) — You've  caught 
the  thief ! 

Howell — Yes  ;  and  he  had  a  gun  !     But  I  landed  him ! 
Mooney — And  he  got  away ! 

Howell — No,  he  didn't  get  away.  I've  got  him  locked 
in  that  closet.  (Points.) 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Mooney  (drawing  gun) — Come  out — come  out  before  I 
shoot ! 

(Howell  rushes  up  to  closet  door,  throws  it  open  and 
quickly  back  to  down  R  C.  Susie  staggers  out  of 
closet  to  C.) 

All— Susie ! 

Mooney  (disgusted) — So  that's  the  thief! 
Howell    (to  Susie,  fiercely) — How   did  you  get  in  that 
closet  ? 

Susie  (retreats  to  L  C,  bewildered) — I  don't  know  noth- 
ing.    (Exit  Mooney  L  C  disgusted.     Closes  door.) 
Auntie  (R  of  desk) — Come,  come — girl,  speak  up! 
Susie    (to  below  sofa) — I  was  just  walking  along  and 
someone  pushed  me  in. 

(Leans  against  piano  and  sofa  end  in  corner  framed  by 
piano  and  sofa  [see  ground  plan].     The  "Curtain"  de- 
pends on  this  business.     Howell  crosses  to  L  C  glaring 
at  Susie.     Mrs.  Fleming  crosses  quickly  to  C,  speaks 
to  Howell,  who  turns  quickly  to  her.) 
Mrs.  Fleming  (angrily,  comes  down  C) — You  did  that! 
How  dare  you  lay  hands  on  my  servant ! 

Howell  (angrily) — I  didn't  lay  hands  on  your  servant! 
Mrs.  Fleming  (down  C) — Don't  yell  at  me  in  my  own 
house ! 

Ottily  (coming  down  R  C,  L  of  desk) — Well,  don't  con- 
tradict him  then!  ('PHONE.) 

(As  soon  as  Susie  leans  against  piano,  King,  lying  under 
piano,  sees  jewels  in  her  LEFT  stocking,  where  they 
are  in  a  lump  at  the  LEFT  side  of  her  ankle.  He 
rolls  on  his  back,  quickly  gets  knife  out  of  VEST 
pocket  and  begins  trying  to  cut  jewels  from  Susie's 
stocking.  At  'phone  bell  Mrs.  Fleming  quickly  goes  to 
'phone,  L  of  desk,  upstage  end.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (crossing  to  'phone) — Oh,  such  outrageous 
behavior!  (Takes  up  'phone.)  Hello!  Who?  Vera 
Vernon  !  From  Boston ! 

(At  the  word  "Boston,"  Susie  strolls  two  steps  toward 
R ;  King  disappointed.  This  business  is  done  during 
Mrs.  F's  last  line  at  the  'phone.) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 
73 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

(Susie  repeats  business.  King  makes  a  gesture  of  im- 
patience.) 

SECOND  CURTAIN. 

(Ned  R  by  door  R  I,  Daphne  a  little  left  of  Ned  and 
slightly  above  him,  Auntie  is  R  of  desk,  Ottily  is  down 
R  C  left  of  desk.  Mrs.  Fleming  at  'phone.  Howell 
C,  Susie  down  L  front  of  downstage  end  of  sofa. 
King  is  under  piano.  Parks  is  up  L  C  at  up  stage 
end  of  sofa.) 

CURTAIN. 


74 


A     FULL    HO  USE 


ACT  Til 

SCENE:  Same.  At  rise,  positions  are  the  same  as  at  the 
end  of  Act  II.  Ned  by  door  R  I.  Daphne  a  little  above 
and  to  L  of  Ned.  Auntie  R  of  desk.  Ottily  down  R  C 
left  of  desk.  Mrs.  Fleming  is  at  upstage  end  of  desk. 
Howell  C.  Susie  down  L  in  front  of  downstage  end  of 
sofa.  King  under  piano.  Parks  is  up  L  C  at  upstage  end 
of  sofa. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (at  'phone) — Now  see  here — I'm  paying 
for  first-class  service  and  I  mean  to  have  it.  Connect  me 
with  my  lawyers  and  be  quick  about  it. 

Auntie  (R  of  desk) — Oh,  this  woman  is  insufferable! 

(Exit  R  I  Auntie,  Ned  and  Daphne.) 

Ottily  (crossing  R  below  desk) — If  we  can't  leave  the 
house,  at  least,  we  need  not  stay  in  the  same  room  with  her. 

(Exit  R  I.     Howell  crosses  to  R.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (L  of  desk) — You'll  leave  fast  enough  if 
I  ever  get  hold  of  my  lawyers. 

Parks  (crossing  above  desk  to  R) — Hadn't  you  better 
cable  for  Mr.  Fleming,  Madam? 

Mrs.  Fleming — Mr.  Fleming — oh,  if  he  were  only  here  f 

Howell  (at  door  R  I) — If  your  husband's  wise,  he'll  stay 
in. Europe. 

(Exit  R  I.     Susie  stands  on  King's  hand.) 

Mrs.  Fleming — Oh,  such  insolence !  Parks,  go  throw 
that  man  out  of  the  house  at  once! 

Parks  (down  R — King  trying  to  free  his  hand) — Excuse 
me,  ma'am;  I'm  a  butler — not  a  white  hope.  (Exit  R  I.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (at  'phone) — Hello!  Miss!  Now  see 
here,  I've  been  waiting  half  an  hour  for  my  lawyers.  Such 
impudence!  I  did  not  say  I'd  got  them.  (Hand  business 
for  King.)  Oh,  I'm  so  upset!  (Puts  'phone  down  and 
crosses  to  R  I.)  I  know  I'm  going  to  have  one  of  my 
nervous  spells.  Susie,  light  the  fire. 

Susie  (going  up  C  to  closet.  King  rubs  his  hand)  — 
Seems  to  me  it's  hot  enough  in  here  now.  (Puts  hat  and 
coat  in  closet.) 

Mrs.   Fleming   (at   R  I) — Don't  argue  with  me.     Light 

75 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

the  fire.  (Crossing  to  L.)  Oh,  those  dreadful  people! 
They'll  rue  this  day  before  they're  through  with  me. 

Susie  (up  C) — You're  going  to  do  something  to  get  even? 

Mrs.  Fleming  (going  R) — I'll  put  them  all  in  jail! 

Susie  (comes  down  C) — Slam  them  in  the  coop? 

Mrs.  Fleming  (go  L  to  Susie) — Wha,t — do  you — mean? 

Susie  (C) — Not  the  bread  basket.  Bastile!  Bars!  Jail! 
Use  the  noodles!  Use  the  noodles!  (Waves  arms.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R  C — indignant) — Have  you  taken  leave 
of  your  senses? 

Susie  (L  C) — I  can  tell  you  where  the  jewels  are  hidden! 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R  C) — Jewels?    What  jewels? 

Susie   (L  C) — Mrs.  Pembroke's. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (R  C)— What! 

Susie — I  had  them  in  my  hand  not  two  hours  ago. 

Mrs.  Fleming — Mrs.  Pembroke's  jewels  here!  The  ones 
that  were  stolen?  How  do  you  know? 

Susie — I  saw  them  in  Mr.  Howell's  suitcase. 

Mrs.  Fleming — So  he  was  right ! 

Susie— He?    Who? 

Mrs.  Fleming — The  detective. 

Susie — That  fat,  pink  man? 

Mrs.  Fleming — Pink !  He's  very  masculine,  and  exceed- 
ingly charming.  I  promised  to  help  him. 

(King  registers.) 

Susie — No  fair!  I  saw  him  first! 

(King  registers,  and  bumps  his  head.) 

Mrs.  Fleming — Susie !  Do  you  know  where  those  jewels 
are  now? 

Susie — Yes,  ma'am.     I  saw  Mrs.  Howell  hide  them. 

Mrs.  Fleming — Where? 

Susie — In  her  room. 

Mrs.  Fleming  (up  to  steps — Susie  up  C) — I'm  going  to 
search.  Susie,  there's  a  thousand  dollars  reward  offered 
for  those  jewels.  (Go  half  way  upsteps.)  I  can  get  it  if 
you'll  help  me. 

Susie  (cross  above  desk  and  down  R) — Yes,  ma'am. 
What  do  I  get  if  I  do? 

Mrs.  Fleming  (on  steps) — You'll  get — every  Thursday 
off.  (Exit.) 

Susie — There  ain't  going  to  be  no  more  Thursdays. 

(Exit  R  I  E.    After  Susie's  exit,  King  comes  from  under 

76 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

piano.     Crosses  up  C.     'PHONE  rings.     He  rushes 
to  it.) 

King  (at  'phone)— Hello  ! 
Ottily  (off  R  I) — I'll  answer  it,  auntie. 
(King  hangs  up  receiver  and  hides,  crouching  on  floor 
L  of  desk.     Ottily  enters  R  I,  goes  to  'phone,  sitting 
in  chair  R  of  desk.     She  draws  the  'phone  to  her.) 
Ottily  (in  'phone) — Hello!     A  lady  coming  up?     (King 
pulls  'phone  wire,  drawing  'phone  to  L  side  of  desk.    Ottily 
does  not  see  'phone  move,  looking  at  it  only  after  it  has 
stopped  moving.     She  draws  it  absently  back  to  her.)     Who 
is  she?     Well,  get  her  name.     (King  repeats  business,  and 
Ottily  screams  and  runs  off  R  I  in  terror,  calling:)     George! 
Auntie!     (Closes  door.     King  rises,  puts  receiver  on  hook 
and  starts  L.    'PHONE  rings.    He  dashes  back  to  it,  takes 
up  receiver.) 

King — Hello  !  Who  ?  Miss  Vernon  ?  From  Boston  ? 
Vera  Vernon?  Send  her  right  up.  (Puts  down  'phone, 
laughs,  starts  up  steps.)  These  boys  are  going  to  have  a 
pleasant  afternoon.  (Exit.) 

(Enter  R  I,  Ottily,  George,  Aunt  and  Ned.  Ottily  to  C, 
Howell  to  L  of  her,  Aunt  to  below  desk  R  C,  Ned  to 
R  of  desk.) 

Ottily  (crossing  C) — Oh,  then  there  must  be  something 
wrong  with  me. 

Howell  (L  of  Ottily,  comforting) — But  Ottily,  my  dear, 
you're  mistaken ! 

Ottily  (C,  looks  at  'phone) — I  tell  you,  I  saw  it  move. 
Aunt  (crosses  to  her) — But  it  couldn't  move,  dear! 
Howell — Why,  you're  ill,  dear.     Auntie,  take  her  up  and 
put  her  to  bed.     (Aunt  and  Ottily  go  up  steps.     Howell  to 
foot  of  steps.    Ned  up  R.    DOOR  BELL  RINGS.} 

Howell    (foot  of   stairs) — Ned,   see   who's   at  the   door. 
(Ned  to  door  L  C,  opens  it.     Mooney  and  Yera  ad  lib. 

off  L  C.    Ned  looks  out,  sees  Vera.) 
Ned  (to  Howell) — Vera. 
Howell  (up  R  C) — The  human  reservoir! 
(Ned  dashes  up  steps.    Howell  to  R  I.    Vera  enters  L  C, 
followed  by   Mooney,   she   carries   a   red   rose.      PIC- 
TURE—They  face  her.) 
Vera — What's  your  hurry,  boys? 

(She  comes  down  L  C.  Mooney  to  up  C.  Ned  half  way 
up  steps.  Howell  at  R  I.) 

77 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Howell  (R) — Officer,  put  that  woman  out. 

Mooney  (C) — She  can  come  in,  but  she  can't  go  out. 
(Vera  throws  him  a  rose.  Mooney  catches  rose.)  Kiss 
me,  you  fool.  (Holds  it  up,  kisses  it  and  exits  L  C,  clos- 
ing door.) 

Vera  (L  C) — Well,  boys.    Here  I  am! 

Ned  (comes  down  to  above  desk) — Vera,  what  the  deuce 
do  you  want  here? 

Howell  (to  R  of  desk) — Ask  her  something  sensible.  (To 
Vera.)  How  did  you  know  I  lived  here? 

Vera  (cross  to  R  C) — Got  your  office  on  the  'phone  and 
found  out  your  home  address.  (Sit  L  of  desk.)  Oh,  boys, 
don't  be  harsh.  I  traveled  all  the  way  from  Boston  just  to 
see  you  both — and  I  traveled  quite  alone.  You  know  how 
I  hate  traveling  alone. 

Ned  (up  to  steps  anxiously  and  back) — You  bet  I  do. 

Howell  (R  of  desk) — Never  mind  your  preference.  The 
question  for  you  is  this — 

Vera — Yes,  Cutie — 

Howell  (R  of  desk) — Don't  call  me  Cutie. 

Ned  (L  C)— Ha,  ha! 

Vera  (turns  sharply) — Shut  up,  you  little  slate  pencil! 

Howell— Ha,  ha! 

Ned — Don't  you  call  me  a  slate  pencil ! 

Vera  (rises  and  crosses  to  Ned,  C) — You're  a  nice  one, 
aren't  you?  Quit  me — cold — and  set  this  little  two  for  a 
nickle  lawyer  on  my  trail. 

Howell  (R,  comes  below  desk  to  R  C) — What's  that? 

Vera  (to  R  C) — I'm  speaking,  Cutie! 

Howell — Don't  call  me  Cutie ! 

Vera  (sweetly) — And  last  night  you  loved  it. 

Howell  (turns  away) — Yes;  but  that  was  last  night. 

Ned  (has  gone  up  to  stair  and  back) — Now  listen,  Vera! 

Vera  (to  Ned  L  C) — I've  been  a  good  listener  for  you 
long  enough.  Now  you  listen  to  me.  Thought  you'd  put 
one  over  on  me,  didn't  you  ?  Framed  it  to  have  my  letters 
stolen  by  this  comical  lawyer. 

Howell  (front  of  desk) — Comical? 

Ned  (L  C)— Your  letters! 

Vera  (C) — Yes,  mine!  You  wrote  them  to  me,  didn't 
you?  The  sweet  outpourings  of  your  mushy  little  soul. 

Howell  (down  R  C)— Classics! 

76 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Vera — Not  much  as  literature,  but  valuable  to  me  as  evi- 
dence. Now,  then  !  I  want  them  back  ! 

Howell  (R,  below  desk) — Sorry,  dear  lady,  but  your  evi- 
dence is  now  in  ashes. 

Vera — You  burnt  them? 

Howell— I  did. 

Vera  (L  of  desk)— Well  I'll  be—  (Howell  puts  his 
hand  over  her  mouth,  pushes  her  into  chair  L  of  desk.) 

Howell — 'Not  here,  please.  (Cross  to  R  of  desk.)  Now, 
then,  we'll  get  down  to  business. 

Ned  (L  C) — That's  it,  Vera.     Business! 

Vera  (seated  L  of  desk) — Scene's  set,  boys.    Ring  up! 

Ned  (starts  R  to  escape  R  I) — Then  I  can  be  excused? 

Howell — No  you  don't.  You  come  back  here  and  sit 
down !  ( Ned  sits  R  of  desk.  Howell  crosses  above  it  and 
comes  down  C.)  As  a  reputable  lawyer  and  a  member  of 
the  New  York  bar — 

Vera — Several  New  York  "bars !" 

Howell  (C) — That  will  do  you.  I  am  going  to  point  out 
to  you  your  dangerous  position.  You  are  here  with  the  sole 
intention  of  extorting  money  from  this  innocent  young  man. 

Vera  (seated  L  of  desk) — Innocent?    Ha! 

Howell  (C) — Are  you  aware,  young  woman,  what  the 
term  "blackmail"  means? 

Vera — Sure  I  am.  If  you  fall  down  on  it,  it  means  the 
Island.  But  if  you  put  it  over  as  I  will  yet 

Howell — What  evidence  you  had  is  now  destroyed.  We 
can  beat  you  on  every  count.  Believe  me,  my  dear,  young 
siren,  you  haven't  a  leg  to  stand  on. 

Vera  (lifting  skirt) — No.     What  do  you  think,  Nippers? 

Ned  (rises  and  goes  down  R) — I  can't  remember. 

Howell  (C) — Good!  Now  you  go  quietly  and  we'll  let 
you  off.  If  not,  we'll  call  the  police! 

Ned  (quickly  to  R  of  desk) — That's  it,  Vera;  the  police! 
(Goes  above  her.)  You  better  think  it  over.  (Up  to  steps 
and  back  to  Vera.)  Come  on  now,  Vera.  You  are  going 
to  get  us  in  a  lot  of  trouble.  (Vera  begins  to  pretend  weep- 
in?-) 

Howell  (L  of  her) — I'm  sorry,  little  girl,  but  you  brought 
this  on  yourself!  It's  up  to  you.  Will  you  go? 

Ned  (anxiously) — Yes,  Vera,  will  you  go? 

Vera  (looks  up  smiling) — Oh  go  to  hell!     I'll  stay! 

Ned  (to  R)— What? 

79 


A     FULL    HO  USE 

Ho  well  (to  LQ—  What! 

Vera  (rises  to  go) — Nice  little  place  you  have  here,  Cntie. 
Wifey  in? 

Howell  (L  C) — No,  she's  not. 

Ned  (R  C) — His  wife  is  in  Europe! 

Vera  (C) — Oh,  grand!  I'll  take  her  room.  (She  starts 
up  C;  they  grab  her.) 

Howell — No,  you  don't  take  her  room. 

Ned — Now  see  here,  Vera,  you've  got  to  get  out  of  here. 
You've  made  enough  trouble  already. 

Vera — Can  it,  Nippers.  Why  didn't  you  come  to  me  like 
a  man  and  say,  "I'm  tired  of  you,  Vera.  I'm  in  love  with 
another  woman." 

Ned  (L  C)— I'm  not. 

Howell  (R  C) — Of  course  he  isn't. 

Vera  (C) — You  are.  (Acting.  To  him  R  C,  try  to  em- 
brace him.  He  squirms  away  to  R.)  You,  to  whom  I've 
given  the  best  three  months  of  my  life.  You,  on  whom  I've 
squandered  my  love — affection — the  blessings  of  a  yearn- 
ing heart — the  comforts  of  a  happy  home. 

Howell  (L  C) — Oh!  stop  imitating  George  Monroe! 

Vera  (turns  on  him) — You  call  it  acting,  do  you? 

Ned  (R  of  desk) — Yes — bum  acting! 

Vera  (to  L  of  desk) — Let  me  tell  you  something,  Nip- 
pers— and  you  too,  Cutie.  If  I  am  acting,  if  my  poor 
bruised  heart — 

Ottily  (off,  up  steps) — George — who's  there? 

Vera  (to  C) — A  woman's  voice! 

Howell  (rushes  up  stage  to  foot  of  stair) — Nobody! 

Vera — Nobody ! 

Ottily  (off  up  stairs) — George,  come  here. 

Howell  (at  stair) — Yes,  darling!  In  a  minute.  I'm  busy  ! 
Quite  busy ! 

Vera  (C) — Ah,  wifey  !    I'll  go  right  up! 

(Starts  up  C.     Ned  grabs  her,  pushes  her  on  to  sofa  and 
covers  her  mouth  with  sofa  pillow.) 

Ned— Shut  up!     (Ad  lib.) 

Howell  (on  steps,  whispering) — Don't  talk  to  her.  Choke 
her! 

Ottily  (off  up  steps) — But  who's  with  you?  I  heard  a 
woman's  voice. 

Howell — She's  not.  She's  a  man — a  client.  I  assure  you 
she's  not  a  woman.  (Aside.)  She's  a  Vampire. 

80 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Ned  (holding  Vera) — George,  you  go  to  Ottily.    I'll  man- 
age her. 

Daphne  (off  R  I) — Ned  Pembroke!    Are  you  in  there? 
(Howell  rushes  to  relieve  Ned,  taking  pillow  and  hold- 
ing it  over  Vera's  mouth.     Ned  rushes  to  R  I.) 
Ned    (frightened) — It's  all   right,   Daphne;   I'm   helping 
George. 

(Vera  tickles  Howell.) 

Howell — Yes  you  are  !     Stop  tickling  me !     Stop  tickling 
me ! 

Daphne  (off  R  I) — All  right,  dearie;  but  hurry  up. 
(Ned  rushes  back  to  help  Howell.) 
Howell — Let's  get  her  out  of  here ! 

(They  rush  her  to  door,  Ned  on  her  R,  Howell  on  her  L. 
Vera  struggles  making  inarticulate  sounds.  Ned  has 
his  hand  over  her  mouth.  They  talk  ad  lib.  As  they 
near  door  L  C,  it  opens  and  Mooney  bursts  in.  They 
swing  back  and  fall  against  closet  door  up  C.  Vera 
C,  Howell  R  of  her,  Ned  on  her  left,  with  his  hand 
still  over  her  mouth.  Mooney  is  left  of  them  and  a 
little  below  them.) 

Mooney — You  can't  go  out.     You  can  come  in,  but  you 
can't  go  out.     What's  all  this — what's  all  this? 
Howell  and  Ned — Sh-r-r-r-r !     Sh-r-r-r-r ! 
Mooney — Stop  talking  like  a  soda  fountain.     You  can't 
get  out  of  here ! 

Howell — We  don't  want  to  get  out. 

Ned — We  want  you  to  take  her  out  there  and  keep  her 
out  there  with  you. 

Mooney    (beaming) — Sure  I   will!     Come  to  me  arms, 
me  dear  colleen ! 

(They  push  Vera  toward  him.      She  lands  half  in  his 

outstretched  arms,  swings  to  L  of  him.) 
Vera — Ah,  shut  up,  you  big  Irish  hod-carrier!      (Slaps 
his  face.) 

Mooney  (staggers) — Ooo!     Take  back  your  tulip! 
(Hands  her  the  rose.     She  snatches  it,  throws  it  on  sofa. 
Mooney  exits  L  C,  closing  door.     Ned  to  L  C,  Howell 
to  R  C  below  chair  L  of  desk.) 

Vera  (coming  down  C) — So  that's  what  you're  after,  is 
it  ?    All  right.    Take  that— 

(She  strikes  out  with  both  fists,  striking  Ned  and  Howell 

Si 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

in  their  chests.     Ned  falls  on  sofa,  Howell  reels  back- 
ward into  chair  L  of  desk.) 

Howell  (rises,  gasping) — Now  see  here,  woman! 

Ned  (rises) — That's  so — see  here! 

Vera  (C) — Sit  down!  (They  sit.)  I'm  talking!  I  want 
my  letters  or  $20,000  cash.  (Both  rise.)  Keep  still!  or  I'll 
add  another  item.  If  you  want  to  be  decent,  I'll  be  decent, 
and  meet  you  on  the  line.  If  you  want  to  raise  the  devil, 
I'm  with  you  as  far  as  the  furnace  door  with  the  fire  and 
brimstone!  (Folds  her  arms.)  Play  ball!  (They  stand, 
trying  to  speak.)  Better  think  it  over,  boys.  It's  worth 
the  money!  (They  protest.)  Then  suppose  I  call  in  wifey ! 
(Starts  up  C — they  grab  her.) 

Howell — No,  you  don't. 

Vera  (going  down  L  pushed  along  by  Ned) — And 
DAPHNE — isn't  that  her  name? 

Ned  (down  L) — Call  her.  She  won't  believe  a  word 
you  say. 

Howell  (comes  down  C) — And  Ottily  will  trust  me  in 
the  face  of  the  whole  world  ! 

Vera  (down  to  front  of  piano) — My  God!  How  con- 
ceited some  men  are!  (Auntie  appears  on  stair.)  She'll 
trust  you,  I  suppose,  when  I  tell  her  of  our  midnight 
suppers  ? 

Howell  (C  to  her)—  Sh-h-h  !    Not  so.  loud ! 

(Auntie  runs  upstairs,  returns  with  Ottily  and  Daphne. 
They  pause  on  landing,  listening.) 

Vera  (to  Ned) — And  Daphne  won't  believe  that  you  fur- 
nished my  flat,  that  you  compromised  me — 

Ned  (down  L,  seated  dejectedly  on  downstage  end  of 
sofa) — Stop  it!  Will  you  stop  it! 

Howell — For  the  Lord's  sake,  woman ! 

Vera  (to  Ned) — My  reputation  that  I  sacrificed  for  you! 

Ned — Great  Caesar !    Can't  someone  muzzle  her ! 

Vera  (to  Howell) — And  the  red  silk  stockings  you  prom- 
ised me.. 

Howell— I  didn't!     I  didn't! 

Vera — You  did  !    And  I  never  got  them ! 

(Auntie,  Ottily  and  Daphne  come  down  stage.) 

Auntie  (to  R  of  desk) — Well! 

Ottily  (to  R  C)—  George! 

Daphne  (to  C)— Ned! 
Together. 

82 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

(Vera  crosses  to  down  L.     Ned  falls  back  over  arm  of 
sofa  onto  sofa.     Howell  sinks  onto  sofa  upstage  end.) 

Auntie  (R) — Who  is  this  woman? 

Ned  (rattled) — She's  a  friend  of  George's. 

Howell  (at  sofa) — What's  that! 

Vera — You  brazen  little  liar.  You  know  you  were 
fluffing  with  me. 

Daphne  (C) — Ned  Pembroke,  I  want  the  truth! 

Ned — Ask  George ! 

(Daphne  crosses  above  desk  to  Auntie  R.) 

Ottily  (R  C) — I'm  asking  George!  And  I  want  to  know. 
Who  is  she? 

Vera — Tell  her,  Cutie.     (Does  a  few  dance  steps  L.) 

Howell  (rises) — She's  a  lady  client.  Not  so  much  a  lady 
as  a  client. 

(Ottily  above  desk  to  Auntie  R.) 

Vera  (L) — Well,  of  all  the  nerve! 

.Auntie  (R) — To  think  that  I  have  ever  lived  to  see  and 
hear  such  awful  things! 

(The  three  women  group  down  R  on  the  verge  of  hys- 
teria.) 

Howell  (C) — Stop  it!    Will  you  stop  it! 

Ned  (L  C) — Yes,  stop  it — all  of  you! 

Howell — And  give  me  a  chance  for  an  honest  explana- 
tion. 

Auntie — Honest ! 

Ottily  (to  R  of  desk) — I  don't  want  your  explanations. 
So  this  is  the  kind  of  man  you  are — the  very  day  after  our 
wedding,  you  go  off  to  Boston  to  buy  her  suppers  and  red — 
silk — stockings — 

Howell — I  didn't  buy  her  stockings  ! 

Vera — You  promised  them  ! 

Ottily  (bitingly  drops  down  R) — Well,  you'll  never  get 
them! 

Vera  (L.  amused) — My  goodness! 

Howell  (R  C,  L  of  desk) — Now,  Ottily,  listen  to  me. 

Ottily  (R  of  desk) — You  did  go  to  Boston,  didn't  you? 

Howell — Yes,  I  did,  but — 

Ottily — You  did  take  her  taxi  riding — 

Howell — Yes,  I  had  to — 

Ottily — You  did  buy  her  suppers,  cocktails,  highballs  and 
champagne  ? 

83 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Howell— I  did  !  *  I  did  !     I  did  ! 

Ottily — That's  all  I  want  to  know.  You've  deceived  me 
for  the  last  time !  You've  lied  to  me  for  the  last  time !  I 
don't  ever  want  to  see  you  again !  She  can  have  you  as  well 
as  your  silk  stockings  ! 

(Ottily  rushes  to  R  to  Auntie  and  Daphne,  who  embrace 
her.) 

Howell — But,  darling,  please — 

Ottily — Don't  touch  me — don't  come  near  me  ! 

Auntie — That  settles  you,  sir. 

(The  three  sobbing  women  are  about  to  go  off  R  I.) 

Ned.  (pushes  Howell  aside  and  crosses  to  L  of  desk, 
Jiowell  drops  down  L  C) — You  don't  understand!  You 
don't  understand !  Wait !  You've  got  to  listen  ! 

Daphne — I  won't ! 

Ned — Then  don't!  What  I've  got  to  say  is  for  Ottily, 
not  for  you!  (Ottily  to  R  of  desk.)  The  fault  of  this 
whole  thing  is  mine.  George  got  into  this  on  my  account, 
not  his !  I  did  write  this  woman  letters.  I'm  guilty  of 
everything  she  claims.  7  sent  George  to  Boston !  He  didn't 
want  to  leave  you,  Ottily.  I  made  him  go.  If  Daphne  wants 
to  throw  me — all  right.  I'll  take  my  medicine !  But  I 
don't  want  you  and  George  to  suffer  for  what  I've  done. 

Vera  (on  sofa) — Isn't  he  dramatic!  (Howell  stamps  on 
her  foot.)  Oh!  (Ned  and  Howell  shake  hands  C.  Ottily 
circles  above  desk  to  up  R  C.  Aunt  and  Ottily  a  little  into 
scene.) 

Ned  (R  C) — I  thought  I  cared  for  this  woman,  but  when 
I  met  Daphne — everything  seemed  different.  I  wanted  to 
start  out  straight  and  clean.  That's  all.  You  can  take  it 
as  you  please!  (To  R  a  little.) 

Howell  (R  C) — Hereafter,  you  cut  out  letter  writing  and 
stick  to  making  speeches. 

Ottily  (comes  down  R  C  to  L  of  George) — George,  is  all 
this  true? 

Howell  (R  C) — It  is,  my  darling.  I  swear  it  by  all 
that's —  (Police  burst  in  L  C.)  Holy  Moses !  The  police! 

(Everyone  turns  startled.  Sergeant  up  L  C,  Kearney  R 
of  him,  Mooney  at  door  L  C,  Howell  down  R  C,  Ottily 
left  of  him,  Ned,  Auntie  and  Daphne  R  of  desk.  PIC- 
TURE.) 

Sergeant — Don't  move  !    Anybody !    Kearney,  go  through 

84 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

that  door —  (Indicates  R  I — Kearney  goes  down  C,  then 
off  R  I,  leaving  door  open.  Jim  comes  to  up  C.)  Jim,  go 
upstairs  and  search  the  ladies'  rooms. 

(Mooney  goes  upstairs.) 

Ottily  (going  up  C) — What!     Search  my  rooms! 

Daphne — The  idea  ! 

Auntie  (R) — The  impertinence! 

Ottily  (passing  sergeant) — You  think  we  are  thieves? 
Well,  I  don't  trust  your  men,  either.  And  if  that  creature 
is  going  through  my  room,  then  I'm  going  to  watch  him. 
(Exit  upstairs.) 

Daphne — Good,  Ottily!   I'll  go  with  you.    (Exit  upsteps.) 

Howell  (R  C) — Ned!  Follow  that  officer  and  see  that 
he  doesn't  steal  anything.  (Exit  Ned  R  I,  leaving  door 
open.  To  sergeant.)  Where's  your  warrant  to  search  this 
place  ? 

Sergeant  (C) — I've  a  warrant  right  here  to  search  this 
apartment.  (Shows  warrant.) 

Auntie  (R,  upstage.) — Oh,  dear!     Oh,  dear! 

Sergeant  (C,  to  Howell) — Who  is  this  woman? 

Howell  (crossing  R  below  desk) — I  don't  know.  She's 
a  stranger  to  me!  (Exit 'Howell  R  I,  closing  door.) 

Aunt  and  Sergeant — What!- 

Auntie  (crosses  above  desk  to  upstage  end  of  sofa,  up 
L  C.) — To  think  that  I  should  live  to  be  mixed  up  in  such 
a  vulgar  brawl. 

Sergeant  (turning  to  her  L  C) — That  will  do  you  now! 

Auntie  (up  L  C)— SIR! 

Sergeant  (crossing  to  her) — It  strikes  me  you  are  acting 
suspicious  around  here.  While  I  have  time,  I  think  I'll 
search  you.  You  seem  sort  of  lumpy  round  the  waist. 

Auntie  (backing  into  extreme  upper  left-hand  corner. 
Sergeant  following,  his  back  toward  C) — Search  me  for 
stolen  property!  (King  sneaks  downstairs  and  starts  for 
door  L  C,  sees  sergeant's  back  and  runs  behind  screen  up 
R.)  Sir,  if  any  such  indignity  is  performed,  it  will  only 
be  done  by  a  matron  at  the  station ! 

Mooney  (rushing  downstairs) — Sergeant,  did  anybody 
come  downstairs  ? 

(King,  behind  screen,  is  pushing  R  side  of  screen  down- 
stage and  in  front  of  fireplace.) 

Sergeant — No.    I've  been  here  all  the  time.     (Sees  screen 

85 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

moving.)  Hello!  Who's  that  behind  that  screen?  Get 
him,  Mooney!  (King  disappears  in  fireplace.  Mooney 
creeps,  club  in  hand,  toward  screen.)  Careful,  now!  Use 
your  club ! 

(Mooney  sneaks  round  back  of  screen.  Sergeant  round 
front  of  it.  They  meet  suddenly  at  R  end  of  screen. 
Mooney  with  upraised  club  almost  brains  Sergeant,  be- 
fore he  realizes  that  he  is  not  the  thief.) 

Auntie — Oh!    Oh!     (Rushes  upstairs.) 

Mooney — I  beg  your  pardon,  Sergeant. 

(Rushes  up  and  off  after  Auntie.  Susie  enters  R  I  with 
kindling  wood,  paper  and  matches.  She  closes  the 
door  after  her.) 

Sergeant  (above  door  R) — Well,  you  idiot,  what  are  you 
after  doing  now? 

Susie  (going  up  R) — I'm  going  to  light  the  fire. 

(King  appears  in  fireplace  and  disappears.  Susie  crosses 
to  fireplace.  Sergeant  L  to  balcony  and  out.  Susie 
arranges  kindling  in  fireplace,  seated  on  floor  front  of 
it.  Strikes  a  match  and  applies  it  to  wood.  King  in 
fireplace  blows  match  out  with  audible  sound.  Same 
.business  for  three  matches.) 

Susie  (as  third  match  goes  out) — It's  a  hurricane! 

( She  lights  fourth  match.  King  slaps  it  out  with  his  hat. 
Property  man  blows  some  Fuller's  Earth  through  fire- 
place, upstage  side.  Susie  rushes  to  sofa  screaming 
and  terrified.  King  gets  behind  screen.  Sergeant 
comes  in  at  window,  crosses  to  Susie  L  C  and  bends 
her  over,  his  back  to  fireplace.) 

Sergeant — Well,  what's  the  matter  with  you? 
(King  sneaks  upsteps,  turns,  comes  down,  crosses  to  L  and 
gets  behind  curtains  at  window.) 

Susie  (on  sofa) — Ghosts! 

(King,  from  behind  curtains,  registers  during  follow- 
ing scene.) 

Sergeant — \Vhere — where  ? 

Susie — In  the  fireplace. 

(Sergeant  to  fireplace,  pokes  up  it  with  club.) 

Sergeant — Oh,  get  out,  there's  no  one  here. 

Susie  (X  R) — He  hit  me  in  the  nose. 

Sergeant  (rising) — Are  you  seeing  things,  or  just  drunk? 

86 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Susie  (crossing  to  L,  front  of  sofa) — Just  drunk> 

(Sergeant  to  C.) 

Mooney  (downstairs) — Sergeant,  did  you  see  anything? 

Sergeant — Are  you  seeing  things,  too? 

(Mooney  disappears  into  closet,  searching.  Closes  door.) 
Ho  well  (enters  R  I,  crosses  to  below  desk) — Now  see 
here,  Sergeant,  I'm  getting  tired  of  this!  It's  disgusting. 

(Ottily,  Daphne,  Auntie  and  Mrs.  Fleming  come  on 
downsteps.  Kearney  on  R  I  followed  by  Ned.  POSI- 
TIONS. Ned  down  R,  Daphne  L  of  him.  Auntie  R 
of  desk,  Kearney  to  above  desk  R,  Ottily  L  of  desk. 
Howell,  after  pause  below  desk,  to  Sergeant  C.  Ser- 
geant C — L  of  Howell.  Susie  down  L  by  piano. 
Mooney  in  closet.  Mrs.  Fleming  at  landing.) 

Sergeant  (C) — Did  you  find  anything,  Kearney?    . 

Kearney  (above  desk) — Nothing,  sir. 

Sergeant — Somebody's  got  those  jewels  on  him.  We'll 
search  the  whole  push. 

Daphne  (R)— What? 

Ottily  (R  C)— Search  me? 

Auntie  (R  of  desk) — The  insolence! 

Howell  (cross  to  Sergeant  C) — Not  much  you  won't. 
You  may  have  a  warrant,  but  you  can't  search  these  ladies. 

Sergeant — That'll  do  you.  We  are  going  through. 
(Points  to  Susie  down  L  at  piano.)  We'll  take  that  Scan- 
dinavian first.  She  looks  guilty. 

Susie   (in  terror) — I  don't  know  nothin'. 

Mooney  (bursts  from  closet  carrying  grip  that  King  has 
left  in  closet,  at  end  of  Act  2.  He  comes  down  a  little  L 
of  C) — Sergeant,  what's  this? 

( Kearney  crosses  to  closet  door,  closes  it  and  comes  down 
between  Mooney  and  sofa.  Mrs.  Fleming  to  above 
desk.) 

Sergeant  (down  C,  R  of  Mooney) — Well?    What  is  it? 

Howell  (front  of  desk) — It's  my  grip! 

Ottily  (rushes  to  Sergeant) — It  isn't  his — it  isn't! 

Susie  (front  of  piano) — Yes  it  is.  I  saw  him  when  he 
brought  it  from  Boston.  (Scratches  one  leg  with  the  other 
and  then  goes  under  piano.) 

Sergeant — Boston,  eh?     I  thought  so.     Open  it. 

Mooney  (has  grip  on  floor  and  is  stooping  above  it.     He 

87 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

opens  it  and  takes  out  burglars'  tools  in  kit) — His  working 
kit! 

Kearney  (grabs  them) — His  outfit! 

Sergeant  (who  has  been  wading  in  grip,  straightens  up 
with  jewel  case  in  hand) — Holy  Moses!  Look  at  this! 
(Reads  from  case.)  Mrs.  John  Pembroke,  Boston!  I 
thought  so ! 

Ottily  (wildly) — Officer,  he  isn't  a  thief — he  isn't!  He 
didn't  steal  those  things.  As  soon  as  we  found  the  necklace, 
we  wired  Mrs.  Pembroke  to  come  for  them. 

Sergeant — Oh  you  did,  eh? 

Auntie  (R) — I  can  vouch  for  that,  Officer! 

Ned  (extreme  R) — So  can  I. 

Sergeant  (opens  case) — Empty.  So  you  FOUND  the 
necklace.  Well,  where  is  it? 

Ottily  (almost  paralyzed) — I  don't  know! 

(Susie,  under  piano,  had  gotten  necklace  out  of  stock- 
ing, shows  it.) 

Mrs.  Fleming  (comes  down  R  C,  R  of  Ottily,  and  L  of 
desk) — Oh  yes,  she  does  know  where  they  are.  Susie  saw 
Mrs.  Howell  hide  them. 

Ottily  (turns  on  Mrs.  Fleming) — How  dare  you! 

Mrs.  Fleming — My  servant  does  not  lie.  This  woman 
knows  where  the  jewels  are. 

Sergeant  (to  Ottily) — I'm  sorry,  madam,  but  I'll  have 
to  arrest;  you.  Boys,  take  everybody  upstairs  and  search 
them.  (Hands  Kearney  jewel  case.  General  indignation. 
Ned  tries  to  escape  R  I ;  Mooney  crosses  and  grabs  him, 
drives  Ned  and  Auntie  and  Daphne  up  R.  Kearney  picks 
up  grip  and  drives  Howell,  Ottily  and  Mrs.  Fleming  up  C. 
They  are  pushed  up  stairs.  C.  After  all  are  on  stairs  but 
Mooney  and  Susie,  who  has  been  forgotten.)  Jim,  guard 
that  door. 

(Exit  Mooney  L  C;  Sergeant  up  steps.  Susie  comes 
from  under  the  piano,  goes  up  L  C  with  jewels  in  her 
hands.  Starts  to  throw  them  out  of  window.  Cur- 
tains move.  She  hastily  puts  jewels  down  her  back 
crossing  down  to  L  of  desk.  King  enters  from  behind 
curtains  L  and  comes  down  C.  Susie  turns  and  sees 
him,  startled,  screams.) 

King — Shut  up — shut  up!  You  Hungarian  Goulash, 
shut  up ! 

88 


A     FULL    HOUSE 

Susie — Where  did  you  come  from  ? 

King  (crossing  to  her  R  C) — I've  been  so  many  places, 
1  can't  remember. 

Susie  (R  C) — I  thought  you  was  all  burnt  up  and  gone 
to  he-heaven! 

King — Well,  come  on.  Hand  those  jewels  over  and  be 
damn  quick  about  it. 

Susie  (R  C) — I  can't  just  put  my  hand  on  them. 

(King  reaches  down  to  pull  jewels  out  of  her  stocking, 
thinking  they  are  there.  Susie  screams,  puts  hands 
over  her  face.  King  goes  quickly  and  anxiously  up  to 
steps,  looks  off,  comes  back  to  her.) 

King — Shut  up.  Shut  up.  Can't  you  take  a  joke? 
Where  are  those  jewels? 

Susie  (left  of  and  close  to  desk) — In  back  of  me. 

King  (looking  at  her) — Where? 

Susie — In  back  of  me!  (Crosses  front  of  King  to  C. 
King  looks  on  desk  and  turns  to  her,  at  a  loss  as  to  her 
meaning.) 

King — Say,  are  you  kidding  me? 

Susie  (stands  back  to  audience) — They're  in  back  of  me. 
(Puts  her  hands  to  back  of  her  waist  where  jewels  are.) 

King — Holy  Halifax !  How  am  I  going  to  get  'em  out 
•of  there? 

Susie  (C) — Thought  you  was  a  detective? 

King  (R  of  Susie) — I  am.  (He  grabs  her,  puts  hands 
down  her  back.  Susie  screams  several  times.  At  first 
scream,  King  dashes  upstage  anxiously  and  comes  back.) 

Susie — You  got  hands  just  like  the  ice  man. 

King  (grabs  her  again) — Stand  still.  (Hand  over  her 
mouth.  They  make  a  complete  circle,  King  trying  to  reach 
the  jewels,  Susie  struggling.  King  breaks  away  to  R  C.) 
Damn  it !  I  almost  had  them ! 

Susie — Where's  the  reward? 

King — Mercenary  being!  You  don't  think  I  go  about 
carrying  that  much  money  on  me !  ( He  grabs  her  again 
and  gets  jewels.  Hold  them  up,  then  puts  them  in  pocket.) 
I  got  them ! 

Susie — Wait !    What  do  I  get  to  show  I  get  the  reward  ? 

King  (takes  out  notebook  and  pencil) — I'll  write  you 
a  check. 

Susie — No. 

89 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

King — I'll  write  you  a  receipt. 

Susie — All  right. 

King  (writing) — This  is  to  certify  that  Susie —  What's 
your  last  name? 

Susie — Sponge. 

King — I'm  in  the  shadow  of  the  gallows,  but  I've  got  to 
giggle  at  that  one.  Who  gave  you  that  name? 

Susie — My  papa. 

King — Papa  give  you  the  face  too? 

Susie — Uh-her ! 

King — Papa  played  you  a  dirty  trick.  (Writing.)  This 
is  to  certify  that  Susie's  papa — Susie  Sponge  (say,  never 
take  that  name  out  in  the  rain)  restored  the  Pembroke 
jewels  to  me  and  deserves  the  reward.  I'll  underscore  "De- 
serves." Signed,  Nicholas  King,  recipient. 

Susie — Recip — recip —  ? 

King  (hands  her  paper) — Don't  try  it.  It's  over  your 
dome. 

Susie — Thank  you,  Mr.  King! 

King  (going  toward  L  C  door) — Don't  mention  it.  A 
mere  scrap  of  paper  means  nothing  in  my  life. 

Susie  (cross  to  R  C) — Oh,  Mr.  King,  is  this  worth  a 
thousand  dollars? 

King  (a  pause) — Yes. 

Susie — Will  you  give  me  twenty-two  fifty  for  it? 

King — Sure.     (Comes  down  C.) 

Susie — I'll  take  it.    I  want  to  go  back  to  Sioux  City. 

King  (giving  her  money) — Anyone  who  wants  to  go 
there,  deserves  to  get  there. 

Susie — Thank  you,  Mr.  King. 

King  (going) — Goodbye,  Sweet  Spirits  of  Nitre. 

Susie — Mr.  King. 

King  (at  door) — What  is  it?     I'm  in  a  hurry. 

Susie — Do  me  a  favor? 

King  (impatient,  comes  down)— What  do  you  want  now? 

Susie — Kiss  me  ! 

King— I'll  die  first ! 

Susie — I'll  scream. 

King  (alarmed) — Don't  scream.  (Kisses  her.)  There. 
(Kisses  her  again.)  There!  (Susie  comes  for  another.) 
Get  out,  you're  a  glutton  !  (Pushes  her  R.)  DOOR  BELL. 
Who  is  that  ? 

90 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

Susie — I'll  open  the  door.     (Starts.) 

King  (stops  her) — No.    It  may  be  a  cop! 

Susie — You  ain't  afraid  of  the  cops,  are  you? 

King  (go  L  below  piano  and  up  to  window  L,  gets  be- 
hind curtains) — Go  ahead.  Open  the  door. 

( Susie  opens  door  L  C,  stands  L  of  it,  holding  door  open. 
MRS.  PEMBROKE  appears  in  door.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke — I  am  Mrs.  Pembroke ! 

Susie — I'm  sorry  for  you. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — So  you  know  about  my  jewels? 

Susie — -I  don't  know  nothin'. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Does  Mrs.  Howell  live  here? 

Susie — Yes,  ma'am. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — I  shall  come  in.     (Comes  down  C.) 

Susie  (closes  door  and  comes  down  R  C) — Yes'm; 
Yes'm ;  Yes'm.  You  can  come  in  but  you  can't  go  out. 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (C)— What? 

Susie  (R  C) — Everybody's  being  searched. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Searched? 

Susie — Upstairs  by  the  cops.  All  but  me.  I  was  searched 
by  a  pink. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — My  necklace !     Has  it  been  found  ? 

Susie — Yes'm. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Where  is  it? 

Susie — Behind  the  curtains.     (Indicates  window.) 

(Mrs.  Pembroke  to  L  C,  King  appears  at  L,  crosses  above 
piano  and  down  C.) 

King — It's  all  right,  Madam. 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (L  C) — Who  is  this  man? 

Susie — He's  a  punk !    I  mean  a  Pink — 

King  (C) — Don't  you  recognize  me? 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (L  C)— No! 

King  (C) — Sure  you  never  saw  me  before? 

Mrs.  Pembroke — No. 

King — Well  then,  I  don't  mind  telling  you,  I'm  a  detec- 
tive. (Shows  badge.)  Here's  my  badge.  It's  broken.  I 
can't  pin  it.  (Unconsciously  drops  badge  on  floor  C.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Oh.  I  had  you  on  the  telephone  a  little 
while  ago? 

King — Yes. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — And  my  necklace — you  have  it? 

Susie  (R  C) — Yes  ma'am;  we  have  it. 

91 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

King  (to  Susie) — WE!  You  mean,  I  have  it!  You  are 
not  with  me.  (To  Mrs.  Pembroke.)  You  have  the  reward 
with  you? 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (L  C) — Yes. 

King  (C) — In  cash. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — In  bills. 

King — Not  marked  bills?    I  mean — regular  currency? 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Yes. 

King — That's  fine.    You  see,  I've  got  to  get  away  quickly. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — What! 

King — That  is,  I'm  called  out  on  another  case.  Here  are 
your  jewels. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — My  necklace!  (Grabs  them,  sits  on 
sofa.) 

King — But  the  money — 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Oh,  yes,  the  money.  But  I  feel  you 
don't  quite  realize  all  you  have  done  for  me. 

King — No  one  understands  better  than  I  do. 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (on  sofa) — I  would  rather  have  parted 
with  ten  years  of  my  life 

King — Don't  mention  ten  years. 

Susie  (aside  to  him) — You  said  FIVE. 

King — But  we  are  losing  time,  ma'am.    The  money — 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Oh,  yes.  But  it  is  as  nothing  compared 
to  my  gratitude. 

King  (aside  to  Susie) — She'll  talk  us  in  jail! 

Susie — US  !     I'm  not  with  you. 

King  (to  Mrs.  Pembroke) — Thank  you  for  the  gratitude. 
But  the  money 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (rises,  taking  money  from  purse,  is  about 
to  give  it  to  him) — I  feel  that  we  have  met  before. 

King — I  think  not,  ma'am.    I  think  not ! 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Seems  as  if  it  were  in  a  dream. 

King  (taking  money) — Dream!  I've  appeared  in  several 
lately.  (Takes  letters  from  his  pocket.)  Oh,  here's  a  pack- 
age of  letters.  Give  them  to  your  son  and  tell  him  for  me, 
if  he  can't  be  good,  be  careful.  (Turns  to  Susie,  while 
counting  money.)  Remember,  Kate — Virtue  is  its  own 
reward. 

Susie  (R  C,  looking  at  money) — My  God,  and  I  gave  all 
that  up  for  twenty-two  fifty. 

92 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

King  (gives  her  some  bills) — Here!  Never  let  it  be  said 
that  Nicholas  King  robbed  the  dead. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — You  are  generous  to  a  fault. 

King  (C) — She's  not  a  fault — she's  a  crime! 

Susie  (going  R  to  R  I  door) — I  didn't  know  there  was 
so  much  money  in  the  world.  I'll  go  home  in  a  Ford. 
(Exit  R  I.) 

King  (going  toward  L  C  door) — Goodbye!     Goodbye! 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (sees  badge  on  floor,  picks  it  up) — Your 
badge. 

(As  King  reaches  door,  Mooney  appears  in  door,  backs 
King  to  up  C.) 

Mooney — You  can  come  in  but  you  can't  go  out  !• 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (C) — Officer,  you  can't  hold  this  man. 

Mooney  (closes  door,  comes  L  C  up) — Who  are  you? 

(Ottily  is  coming  downstairs.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (to  L  C) — I'm  Mrs.  Pembroke. 

Mooney — The  owner  of  the  stolen  necklace? 

Mrs.  Pembroke — I  have  it  here (Shows  it.) 

Ottily  (calls  up  steps) — George — Ned — Mrs.  Pembroke 
has  her  jewels ! 

(Ned,  Howell,  Daphne  and  Ottily  and  Vera  come  down- 
stairs. Mrs.  Pembroke  goes  to  front  of  sofa  down  L. 
King  starts  to  go,  Mooney  stops  him.) 

Mooney — Just  a  minute. 

Ned  (crosses  to  Mrs.  Pembroke) — Mother,  I  want  you 
to  meet  my  friends,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howell.  (They  come 
to  her  quickly,  acknowledge  introduction,  shaking  hands 
and  congratulating  her  on  the  recovery  of  her  jewels.  Then 
go  R,  Ottily  to  front  of  desk.  Howell  to  Ottily's  left.) 
And  this  is  Daphne — the  little  girl —  (Daphne  to  Mrs. 
Pembroke.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (shaking  hands) — You've  written  me 
about.  I'm  so  glad.  Oh,  and  here  are  some  letters — 

Everyone — Letters!     (Ned  takes  them.) 

Vera  (having  followed  Daphne  on  has  come  to  a  posi- 
tion R  and  a  little  up  stage  of  Ned,  Daphne  is  on  her  L) — 
They're  mine.  (Grabs  letters.) 

Daphne  (grabs  letters) — Just  a  minute. 

Howell  (grabs  letters) — Just  a  minute,  Daphne. 

(Hands  them  to  Ottily.  During  this  business  Mrs.  Pem- 
broke goes  R  following  the  letters  to  R  C.  Ned  goes 

93 


A     FULL     HO  USE 

L  to  front  of  piano.  Vera  to  sofa.  Sergeant  down 
steps  to  landing.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke — What's  this? 

Ned — They  are  not  letters,  mother. 

Howell  (cross  R  to  front  of  desk) — They  are  classics. 
(Turns  to  Mrs.  P.  at  R  C.)  But  how  did  you  get  them? 

Mrs.  Pembroke  (at  chair  L  of  desk) — Why,  the  same 
man  who  found  my  necklace — this  wonderful  detective. 
(Waves  at  King.  All  turn  and  look  at  King,  who  strolls 
carelessly  down  C,  with  Mooney  on  his  left.) 

All — Detective ! 

(Aunt  and  Mrs.  Fleming  come  on  R  I.) 

Sergeant  (up  on  landing  of  steps) — Why,  he's  not  a  de- 
tective ;  he's  a  traveling  man. 

Mrs.  Fleming — Of  course  he's  a  detective.  I  can  swear 
to  that. 

Sergeant — Is  this  true,  Mr.  Howell  ? 

Howell — Do  you  want  to  know  the  truth? 

Sergeant — Yes. 

Howell  (crosses  to  C  to  King,  pointedly) — He's  in  a  class 
by  himself.  (Howell  goes  back  to  R.) 

King — You  get  one  cigar.     (Hands  cigar.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Of  course.  That's  the  reason  I  gave 
him  the  reward. 

Sergeant — Let  him  go,  Mooney. 

Mooney — I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  - 

King — King — King ! 

Mooney — I  beg  your  pardon,   Mr.   King  King! 

King — You  may  be  right  some  day.  The  door,  James. 
(To  others.)  You  know,  I  always  work  well  with  the 
police.  (Mooney  has  gone  up  and  opened  door  up  L  C. 
King  turns,  sees  Vera  on  sofa.)  May  I  escort  you  to  my 
car? 

Vera  (rising) — I'm  for  you.     (They  go  up  L  C.) 

King — See  everyone  later.     (Vera  exits  L  C.) 

Mrs.  Pembroke' ( seated  L  of  desk) — Oh,  Mr.  King.  If 
you  are  ever  in  Boston,  call  on  me. 

King  (at  door) — Thanks,  I  will. 

Mrs.  Pembroke — My  house  is  on  Beacon  street. 

King  (at  door) — I  could  find  it  in  the  dark. 

(Mooney  closes  door.     Howell  crosses  to  C.) 

Sergeant — Are  you  sure  he's  a  detective? 

94 


A     FULL     HOUSE 

Mrs.  Pembroke — Why  yes — here's  his  badge ! 

Ho  well  (takes  badge,  reads) — Official  Dog  Catcher! 

(Mooney  dashes  off  in  pursuit  of  King — All  sigh.) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 
SECOND  CURTAIN. 

(Susie  on  at  R  I,  all  dressed  up  in  her  "impossible"  best, 
gloves  and  hat.  She  carries  in  downstage  hand  an  old 
suitcase  with  Sioux  City  painted  on  the  side.  She 
crosses  to  C,  and  as  she  goes  up  stage,  everyone  turns 
facing  up  stage  watching  her.) 

CURTAIN. 


95 


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